Monthly Archives: February 2012

Busy day of Mardi Gras parades, Superbowl parties & #footballforwomen

Posted on February 5, 2012 | 1 comment

Today’s Weight … 121.3

“Losing weight during Mardi Gras season is going to be harder than I thought,” said me, with a mouth full of doughnut.

Don’t get it? Check this post.

I just dropped off my family and an entire truckload of crap at the float for their parade.  My daughter’s on the bottom level with a bunch of friends.  My son’s up top with one friend and a bunch of crazy-looking people I don’t know.  Among them is a tattooed lady in Harley Davidson assless (is that hyphenated?) chaps.  And she’s 72. (Shudder.)  Dave will be running up and down the ladder checking on both of the kids throughout the parade.  And I’ll be running behind the float trying to break my boy’s two-story fall with my body.

Well, that was my personal Facebook post today anyway.  (It’s a joke. And, yes, I know it was hiLARious!)

I will not really be chasing behind the float.  I will be at the end of the parade waiting with friends and family to see my little people on their inaugural float ride (read: rite of passage in these parts) and hoping to get their attention long enough for at least one blurry photograph. (Sniff.)

And we will be dashing straight from the parade (and its after-party) festivities to a Superbowl party.  Those of you who have been following along know I’m not a huge sports fan.  Of course, it would have been entirely different if the Saints were playing today. Sigh.

So, if you’re on Twitter and you’re sitting around today confused … or bored … or just seeking a laugh between plays, look for us on #footballforwomen.  It’s sort of like #shitgirlssay, football-style. And don’t be afraid to put in your (Kick it through the thing!! Kick it through the thing!! ) two cents.

Go … uh … team!

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Now taking ideas for what’s acceptable to hurl off a Mardi Gras float

Posted on February 3, 2012 | 3 comments

Today’s Weight … 121.7

I ate cheese, damn it! In pizza form! TWO deliciously-evil, triangular-shaped pizza forms!

Don’t get it? Check this post.

My kids are riding in a parade this weekend. This is New Orleans, remember? It’s their first experience and, needless to say, they are totally pumped. As such, I’ve spent the last few weeks scouring our closets, cabinets, drawers, pantry, pockets, shed, yard, cat box and sofa cushions for trinkets or anything that would be appropriate for chucking off a float. If you’re not from NOLA, know that I’ve caught everything from large leafy vegetables to five-foot Tweety Bird plushes to real, non-novelty underwear … so everything in this house is fair game. I’ve also badgered everyone within driving distance offering to pick up their household sludge. Plus, I visited the nearest Mardi Gras supply store (they abound here) to purchase a few choice items that my kids specifically requested for their stash. The boy’s number one throw request? Moon pies. And the girl’s? Stuffed animals.

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Holy crap. Someone call ‘Hoarders.’ (God, I hope we have enough …)

My girl’s so excited about riding that she used it as the theme for her English assignment yesterday to create a cinquain (don’t feel bad – I totally had to look it up, too) which is a class of poetic forms that employ a 5-line pattern. She showed me her creation while she was doing her homework today.

Very cute. She’s got the crown, the masks, all the Carnival colors … it seems right on, yes?

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Until I zoomed in a little …

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“Fighting, Acting, Yelling??” Well … now she makes us sound like a bunch of uncivilized, redneck hillbillies!

Of course, I guess I’m doing my job right selling it to her as a mom (a New Orleans mom) because she followed up that colorfully violent description with “A Great Experience for Everyone” and “Incredible.”

I guess we are what we are down here. And my kids are riding with their dad anyway. So, if there’s going to be any “fighting” over airborne crap thrown in my direction, I will be the one doing it. Cross your fingers my kids don’t see me.

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From Girl Scout cookies to baby Michael Jackson

Posted on February 2, 2012 | 4 comments

Today’s Weight … 121.4

Not bad considering there was late night hummus and crackers involved.

Don’t get it? Check this post.

You’ll be happy to know that, 24 hours later, the Girl Scout cookie sale total now stands at a somewhat respectable 93, thanks to a certain restaurateur (that spelling is correct – I looked it up) in town who ordered 39!

Yes, it’s a weird number.  But when someone orders 39 boxes of cookies from your child, you don’t ask …“Why?  Why not an even 40?  Do you need a number that is equally divisible by 13? Should I be worried about that? You do know that these are Girl Scout cookies, right? Wholesome Girl Scout cookies.” Instead, you simply smile and say, “Why, thank you, ma’am, for supporting the Louisiana Girl Scouts Council.  May I ask where you would like your cookies delivered? And, my, what a lovely blouse you’re wearing today.”

And, if you’re wondering what 93 boxes of cookies will score you, take comfort in the fact that my girl has earned the theme patch (60+), the chump 2012 patch (36+) and the (lame) participation certificate (1).  I think that last one was created for the sad, little paste-eaters. (“You’re all winners to me!”)  

After these patches comes stuff (i.e. hoarder-house-clutter).  Incentives like sneaker-shaped pencil pouches, plush giraffe neck pillows and glittery soccer balls are among the many exciting prizes she can earn to help fill the nooks and crannies of our home.  I’m not too worried about them.  But I know she is.  Poor thing never stood a chance with my two-day sales blitz. Anyway, please wish my sweet girl luck tomorrow as she auditions for the school Variety Show.  She’s done it a few years now and this year will be performing a great little number she picked out on her own. Enjoy!

Dave & I offered to be her back up.  She declined. And we had moves and everything. Sigh.

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Nothing brightens my day like selling Girl Scout cookies. (Did that sound believable?)

Posted on February 1, 2012 | 9 comments

Today’s Weight … 122.0

Pshhhhh.  I laugh at you, two tenths of a pound.  You will not deter me.

Don’t get it? Check this post.

It seems that everything I need to do lately needs to be done … “by tomorrow!” I’m forgetting so very much these days.  Stress? Mom brain? Old age? The formaldehyde in my nail polish?  Who knows?  But since I just learned that our Girl Scout cookie order form is due the day after tomorrow, I sent this email out today.  If you happen to live in my area and are actually interested in ordering some overpriced treats (now with no trans fats!), let me know.  Otherwise, you can just enjoy reading the last minute pitch of a desperate and tired woman.

Dear (unfortunate soul selected from my personal email database for this hapless sales effort because you live nearby and I don’t think you have a girl scout in your close circles),

This is the weakest sales pitch you will ever receive.

My girl is selling Girl Scout cookies.  Again. And I’m helping.  Again.
 .
The boxes are $3.50 each. If you want some, please let me know as soon as you can.  Here are your cookie choices –
  • Savannah Smiles (like Lemon Coolers)
  • Trefoils (shortbread)
  • Do-Si-Dos (sandwich peanut butter)
  • Samoas (caramel coconut)
  • Dulce de Leche (with milk chocolate chips)
  • Thank You Berry Much (taste like Pop Tarts to me)
  • Tagalongs (chocolate peanut butter)
  • Thin Mints (unless you live under a rock, you know what they are)
If you live nearby, we’ll deliver them to you.  And we almost never remember to collect any money, so we’re really the best deal in town. Also, if you don’t want any cookies or just want to ignore my email, no sweat.  Two minutes after I hit send on this message, the phone will probably ring and I’ll take the call and one of the kids will run in needing something from me “immediately” while I’m talking and the buzzer to whatever I’m cooking on the stove will go off just as it’s beginning to boil over and I will completely forget I even sent this email. I think I hear the phone now …
So far, we’ve sold thirty boxes … which is nothing in the scoutly world of patch-earning, but it’s not bad for two hours without leaving the house.  I’m expecting great things and will, of course, keep you posted …. as I know this kind of information propels you merrily through your day. Which is really why I am here.

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