Monthly Archives: June 2012

Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 10)


It is with a heavy heart that I give you Episode 10, the final installment of the Jud & Bill series. And there’s a little SURPRISE at the bottom of this post!

Remember MY PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).


You are now reading Episode #10 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. To view past episodes:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

Episode 8

Episode 9

[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 10 ]

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7/31/11, 7:33pm

Jud,

It sounds like Buddy and you enjoyed the game last night, despite the lopsided loss.  Where are the fathers in today’s society?  They should be bringing the kids to the games.  And speaking of fathers, we were enjoying the all-star game last night when a very large man almost sat down on my lap.  Mind you, there is room for about 5,000 more fans than were at the game, but he chose to sit very close to me.  By this time, we had already seen Ryan Garvey with the home run contest before the game.  The kid hit five out in each round, winning the whole sheebang.  The trophy he went home with would make a great room divider.  His dad, Steve, threw out the first pitch, and he still cannot throw, one of the reasons he was taken off third base in his early Dodger career.  Anyway, back to the big guy.  He asks me if I come here often.  I am starting to think “old pick-up line” and immediately reach for Jean’s hand to hold.  However, he begins to tell me that he has two sons in the league and one is playing tonight.  I tell him all the ramifications of the Home Run Derby, and then he tells me that the other son, a pitcher who I had seen throw before, was asked to leave the Power because he got into a shoving match with the Garvey kid.  (This is like picking on Donald Trump’s kid in midtown New York.  Not a smart choice on this guy’s son’s part.)  So we kibitzed for a while until he asked me about ceviche.  I had no idea what he was talking about and looked around to see if Santa Ana’s followers were getting ready to avenge what happened after the Alamo uprising.  Then, Jean explained that it was a shrimp dish cooked in lime, etc.  Do I have a sign stenciled on my forehead that says “Talk to me”.  I don’t care.  Does it look like I miss a meal?   We finally left with the score tied 2-2 in the eighth. Talk to youse tomorrow.

Billy


So … was the “big guy” making a move on Billy? How does a PIG know about ceviche?? And who won the game??? We’ll never know. Sigh.

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I’m gonna miss these guys so much that … I’m holding a CONTEST. With a PRIZE! Tune in tomorrow for the details.

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Stay tuned for other Check your Email, Dude stories … coming soon.

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read to be read at yeahwrite.me

The 30 People Who Can Share My Birthday Crown


Writer’s Note … I had the post below written and ready to go for today, but then I woke up to the most amazing surprise. Two of my best friends out there wrote their posts today about ME! Stupid, boring, pain in the ass me. And I honestly could not be more flattered. My family wasn’t even awake yet and I was already smiling from ear to ear. So, you know, please read my stupid post but, even more so, please take a look at the posts of two of the sweetest people I know. And then keep on reading them. They’re WAY funnier than me anyway. Thanks, you guys!

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According to Mags

El Guapo

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Dear ODNT Family,

Is it appropriate for me to write something about my own birthday? It feels weird doing it … but it feels even weirder ignoring it. So …

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday. June 11. There’s actually a lot of great people born in June along with me. So, I picked 30 of them to honor today, listing each one on his or her actual birthday (i.e., 1 = June 1st and so on). I also listed my reasons for honoring them, even when those reasons sounded a little off the wall.

So, without further ado, I give you …

The 30 People Who Can Share My Birthday Crown

1 – Marilyn Monroe Because she’s a not-stick-thin hottie and standing next to her might make me look skinny.

2 – Jerry Mathers Because he had to go by the name ‘Beaver’ all those years.

3 – Suzi Quatro Because I’m still copying Leather Tuscadero’s hair. Although I could never master the snapping thing.

4 – Russell Brand Because his voice alone cracks me up. Forgive me?

5 – Kenny G Because including Kenny G on this list is simply hilarious to me.

6 – Robert Englund Because, without him, we might not have our June 9th honoree. Plus I was too scared to leave him out.

7 – Michael Cera Because his ‘George Michael Bluth’ reminds me SO much of my boy. “Breakfast?”

8 – Jerry Stiller Because of Frank Costanza. Enough said.

9 – Johnny Depp Because … well, duh. Have you been paying attention at all?

10 – Ruth DeBlanc Because she’s my grandmother, she’s awesome and she would have been 100 years old yesterday.

11 – Gene Wilder Because of …“Blucher!”

12 – Anne Frank Because she’s incredible and helped to get me reading as a kid.

13 – Paul Lynde Because I watched Uncle Arthur on Bewitched every afternoon. And because he somehow, amazingly, never came out of the closet.

14 – Boy George Because I dressed up as that man more times than I care to admit. And even won a contest once.

15 – Neil Patrick Harris Because he’s a fellow theater junkie. And because he plays a lothario on How I Met Your Mother.

16 – Laurie Metcalf Because Jackie was always way funnier than Roseanne.

17 – Barry Manilow Because he is music and he writes the songs (that make the whole world sing).

18 – Paul McCartney Because he’s Paul freakin’ McCartney. Seriously?

19 – Mia Sara Because I thought she was cool as Sloane Peterson. What ever happened to her?

20 – John Taylor Because of Duran Duran. And this mention is my shout out to all five of them.

21 –Leo Sayer Because he wrote some of the super groovy tunes I played in my early guitar days.

22 – Cyndi Lauper Because I met her once when she was with her son and she seemed like a really good mom.

23 – Bob Fosse Because of … Jazz Hands!

24 –Michele Lee Because she was the first person I ever saw who spelled her name the same way I do.

25 – Mike Myers Because of So I Married An Axe Murderer. Rent it.

26 – Jeff DeBlanc – Because he’s my grandfather and the only one here giving my grandmother a run for her money.

27 – Captain Kangaroo Because he gave me something to watch on TV when I was a kid. BEFORE cable.

28 – Mel Brooks Because of Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles & The Producers.

29 – Bret McKenzie Because of Jenny and everything he and Jemaine do in Flight of the Conchords.

30 – Ken Olin Because I so loved Thirtysomething back in the day.

Assembling this list was no small task but I had fun doing it. There were a few hard choices to make on some of the days and I was forced to leave out a number of pretty choice people. But I could only pick one person per day. Without rules, THERE WOULD BE ANARCHY… or maybe just too long of a post.

Anyway, I need to go celebrate my birthday. When I was nine, my family surprised me with tickets to see Donny & Marie live in concert. Who knows what this year will bring? Honestly, all I’m really looking for is a stress-free day where everyone is happy and my face hurts from so much smiling. And cheese.

Thanks for listening,

The Birthday Girl

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read to be read at yeahwrite.me

Five Ways to Keep Milo from Eating the Dwarf Hamster (by ODNT, Jr.)


My girl’s really starting to build her case for the stupid dwarf hamster I wrote about earlier this week. I think she’s even started interviewing sitters for when we’re out of town later this summer. And I’m sure her friends’ mothers will be lining up to take our family rodent into their homes for a week!

Now, bear in mind, we have not yet given her an answer. So, in an effort to address one of my biggest concerns, she designed this overtly pro-hamster propaganda and slipped it to me this morning.

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She makes a compelling argument but …

The last I checked THIS WAS AMERICA! So, in the interest of democracy and … insuring “domestic tranquility” … and something about the 8th amendment which protects against “cruel and unusual punishment” (against me!), I offer the following rebuttal:

(1) Cover hamster in pizza sauce. Where there’s pizza sauce, there’s usually also cheese … which, as we all know, has a Svengalian hold on me. I cannot be held responsible for my actions where cheese is involved. So, while she may have solved her feline problem, she has ultimately created another. By associating the rodent with cheese, there are no guarantees that her mother, on a particularly dietarily-deprived day, could not also pose a threat to the small delicacy animal. Anyone know how many weight watchers points is in a hamster?

(2) Make hamster look scruffy and not delicious. As far as humans are concerned, this would seem an easy task (unless he’s covered in cheese … or possibly chocolate). As far as Milo is concerned, I can’t imagine that his feline tastes are so discerning that a little unkempt fur or stench of urine would hold him back. After all, I’ve seen him eat a roach.

(3) Close hamster room. Dear God, is she expecting us to dedicate an entire room to this smelly, little cotton ball? I don’t even have my own room. I wonder if I can convince her that a “room” is a rubbermaid container. Duh, with holes in the top. And kept in the toolshed.

(4) Close Milo in a room. Poor, poor, poor Milo. He’s put in his time and paid his dues around here for four years. Sure, we’ve all got a few scars that I treat with Mederma from when he was a kitten. And our furniture surfaces (also known as his landing strips) are all scratched up from his claws. And don’t get me started about the small fortune we pay to the vet for all of this check-ups, shots, flea prevention … where was I going with this one? Fine, whatever. Close him in a room. Duh, with holes in the door. And have it be the toolshed.

(5) Put too much food in Milo’s bowl so that he is always full. I see vomit. Loads and loads of cat vomit. And now I’m picturing the gluttony scene from the movie Seven. Gross. Wait, would this mean Brad Pitt would stop by to solve the mystery? Ooh, I’ve got an even better idea. If we can sub out “Brad Pitt” for “Johnny Depp” and “solve the mystery” for “mop up the cat vomit,” then we’ve got a deal!

I just know this won’t be the last pro-vermin appeal I receive. (sigh)

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A Recap of WHY it’s called ODNT Around Here (for Trifecta)


Every day I welcome new readers to the ODNT community. Readers who often ask about the blog name and have no idea how it all started here back in the summer of 2011. For that reason, I decided to go in this direction when I heard this week’s Trifecta writing prompt. Write something between 33 and 333 words using the third definition (listed here) of the following word:

NEW (adjective) – having been in a relationship or condition but a short time <new to the job> <a new wife>

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A Recap of WHY it’s called ODNT Around Here

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My name is Michele but many of you know me as Old Dog, New Tits. It’s a mouthful that often gets abbreviated to ODNT. You can call me whatever you want.

Created in August 2011, my blog gets its roots in boob job research. Yes, I said boob job. I reasoned … if Julie Powell could grab our attention by channeling Julia Child for a year … boobs would make an even bigger splash. As a mother of two, I’ve got the battle scars that so many women talk about, some rather proudly. Hats off to you vanity-less ladies. Personally, I’d rather color, wax and (eventually) lift wherever needed. But it’s not an easy decision. For anyone.

That’s why I started writing about it. I figured there were probably loads of women who wanted the information but didn’t have the time, resources or unbridled insanity to do it themselves. So … naturally … I started getting topless for different doctors around town. And damn if I didn’t get a different opinion every time. It was enlightening and, despite the discovery of a breast lump along the way, we were building some real momentum.

Until they found a tumor on my chest x-ray.

A CT scan and an MRI confirmed it and it was surgically removed in December 2011. Thankfully, the pathology was benign but it was still a harrowing experience that I often look back on as though it were someone else’s story.

Now, I’m completely off track. I write about anything. And I like to think that I can make even the most mundane subject interesting. I’m probably kidding myself. Will I ever revisit the boob thing? Maybe. When the money’s there. Boobs don’t come cheap these days, my friends. Plus, I’m hoping to afford two of them.

And, as I come up on a year in August of 2012, I guess I’ll no longer be able to call myself “new to the blogging world.” Though I’d still much rather just call myself an “online writer.”

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To see a scrapbook of some of the biggest posts

of my first year, click here.

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Today’s word is Chagrin … oh, and I’m talking about hamsters


cha·grin (sh-grn)

n. A keen feeling of mental unease, as of annoyance or embarrassment, caused by failure, disappointment, or a disconcerting event

As in … Much to the chagrin of our family cat, my girl is hell bent on bringing a hamster into our household.

Okay, whatever. Milo would probably be positively giddy about this delicious new member of the family, even though I don’t think his fat ass is cat enough to catch a cold … or a drift … or innuendo. (Fine, I’ll stop.)

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Either he’s drunk or I rest my case

Anyway … my girl’s been bellyaching about adding a rodent to the mix for years. We (meaning she) have entertained the idea of ferrets, guinea pigs, gerbils, field mice (also known as Snake Chow) and now, finally, dwarf hamsters. And, after pussyfooting around with starter pets like goldfish, tadpoles and hermit crabs, I purposefully jumped ahead to cat, hoping to skip the intermediate vermin level.

No such luck.

Her birthday just passed which, I’m ashamed to admit, we haven’t really celebrated yet. I mean, we did have cake and a few small gifts but her party (likely of the roller skating variety) won’t happen until later this summer. At that time, she is planning to ask if she can “hamsterize” her room. (Feel free to use that verb liberally. It’s mine. Let’s see how long it takes ‘til we get it in the dictionary … or at least on Modern Family.)

She keeps reminding me that the hamster is “only $10.”

  • “I’ll pay for it myself! “ she offers.
  • “I’ll keep it clean so the cage won’t stink!” she promises.
  • “And I’ll guarantee that Milo doesn’t eat it!” she pleads.

Aww, that’s not how the world works, sweetheart. You can’t make that last promise. And, frankly, neither can Milo. Trust me. He’s got plans. BIG plans, my dear.

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But we promised we would consider it.

So, we’ve both been Googling rodents (relax, it’s more humane than it sounds) to determine things like (1) which ones suck the least as pets? (2) which are least likely to bite off your fingertips? and (3) which are the best escape artists and, subsequently, the best wall and wire chewers? Thus far, Dave has found some truly useful and interesting information. He’s actually helping my child and family with this decision.

I, on the other hand, have proven to be completely useless. Here’s where I wound up by mistake last night:

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It’s from Craig’s List and it’s 100% real, but the phone number was deleted for the sake of the writer. After reading it … during my girl’s play rehearsal in a CHURCH, mind you … I fell over laughing and completely lost my train of thought for “real” hamster research.

Will we or won’t we?

Only time …and my love for cedar shavings …will tell.

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read to be read at yeahwrite.me

Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 9)


For the record, this is the SECOND TO LAST EPISODE of the Brotherly Love series. Sniff.

Remember MY PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).


You are now reading Episode #9 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. To view past episodes:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

Episode 8

[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 9 ]

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7/31/11, 2:46pm

Bill,

They let us back into the ball park with our own personal set of ground rules – the biggest one being not to rip off Scooter’s attire anymore. And the night went almost without incident until we managed to provoke the removal of three mothers in their 40’s along with three kids. I was starting to get a headache because one of them was talking about ten decibels above the crowd, and really annoying Buddy and me. After a little thought, I had a solution in mind so, after cluing Billy in, I put my plan in motion. First, I turned to the woman and told her that her kid kicked me three times and asked her to please stop him.  And I said it loud enough so the people around could hear me.  Then, I leaned over and said very quietly that if she would get the beer bottle out of her mouth for a few minutes she could do a better job of controlling her kid. With that, she yelled out a few F words then threw her full beer bottle at me. Now, normally, I would have caught it and had a free beer on her but this wasn’t in the plan so I side stepped it. Guess who got hit with the beer?  My good friend, Scooter, of course, who looked up at me and I pointed to the lady behind me who was screaming at the top of her lungs by now. The police came from across the street in two minutes flat and removed all six of them. I told Buddy that we killed two birds with one stone here: (1) first, we enjoyed the rest of the game without headaches and (2) second, we became friends with Scooter again. And we learned that a game can be enjoyed even when you are losing 16-0.  It is pool time.  Talk to you soon.

Jud


Why are Jud and his pal stripping another man of his clothes at a ballgame? Why are they concocting such elaborate schemes to become friends with that poor man again? And, what’s wrong with a 40-something-year-old mom drinking at a ballgame? Seriously, somebody please tell me before I run into these two at the ball park.

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Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude. There’s only one more!!!

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Hiding in Plain Sight (for Trifextra)


For this weekend’s Trifextra assignment, entrants must write a story in only 33 words using the phrase ‘It wasn’t the first time.’

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Hiding in Plain Sight

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It wasn’t the first time he used another name. But it was the first time that name was Alexis. He adjusted his wig, slipped on his slingbacks and glanced at the mirror one more time. “Perfect,” he sneered.

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My Visit to Kleinpeter Dairy Farms (SQEEEE!!!)


If you didn’t read yesterday, click here to catch up what led up to today.

We woke up bright and early Friday morning (by summer standards, anyway) to get ready for our trip to Kleinpeter Dairy Farms. My friend, Virginia, graciously offered to drive. So, we stuffed our five kids (and snacks! Thanks, V) into her car and headed out. The ride was fine but, just as I promised Mike (the Farm Manager) in my email Thursday, we did manage to get lost along the way. After calling to apologize for our delay and adding an extra 45 minutes to the trip, we arrived at the farm where Mike was outside waiting for us.

With our warm Southern summer now underway, we were more than delighted to pile into a big (air conditioned!) pick-up truck to navigate the 1,200 acres that serve as the home for more than 1,300 cows (Holstein, Jersey and Guernsey). Mike showed us the process of preparing the many different kinds of feed (all corn-based) given to their cows. There’s even a nutritionist on hand to help determine the best diet for each individual animal.

Hello? I could use some help around here, too. Or at least someone to slap the Cheetos out of my hand.

My girl managed to smuggle a little of the feed (I think it was the variety that actually smelled like distilled whiskey) home to the family cat. But the jerky furbag (not surprisingly) turned up his nose to my sweet child’s offering. A gerbil would’ve appreciated it, Milo. Always remember that you can easily be replaced.

And, of course, we saw lots … and lots … and lots of healthy cows with the sweet Puss ‘n’ Boots eyes. But the big highlight of the day was visiting the babies. They’re organized by age in what I’m stupidly going to call the cow nursery. My girl fell in love with a cute set of twins born early this week. But I was there to see a special cow named Michele. She was born on May 8 (Virginia’s birthday, by the way) meaning she was grouped with all the other one-month-olds. So, I walked down the aisle checking out every calf and reading every tag. Cow face … cow face … cow face … cow butt … cow face … cow face … cow face.

Michele was the only one who INSISTED on standing backwards in her little stall.

Mike turned her around so we could snap a few pictures but, as soon as she was able, she reversed herself right back to her position of nonconformity. Michele seemed to vacillate between wanting to be different from the other cows and wanting to take a nap. (I’m sure my friends and family will have a veritable field day with that one.)

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Does anyone else hear ‘We Are the World’ in their head right now?

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I think she liked me because she ate a little of my hair during this picture.

The kids had a blast with all the babies. We probably spent the most time on this leg of the tour. Then … after learning a little more about the whole milking process … WE GOT TO MILK THE COWS! Thankfully, there were rubber gloves involved ’cause it took some real doing to get the job done. And, as a woman who spent four years of her life nursing kids (where’s TIME Magazine when you need ’em?), my heart went out for these old girls, many of whom produce milk for well over a DECADE. And … get this … the average cow produces 60 pounds of milk PER DAY. That’s EIGHT gallons of milk daily.

Frankly, I can’t believe Dave and I have been wasting our money sinking it into college funds and IRAs … when we could just invest in a cow. I could sell to the whole freakin’ neighborhood! Of course, I could never compete with the good people at Kleinpeter. (Brag Alert – They were the first agricultural enterprise in the nation to earn a perfect score of 100 from the American Humane Association. They’re also the first organization who have been able to manage that same perfection for four years running.) To cover the cost of her maintenance, a cow kept at MY house would probably have to give rides to all the neighborhood kids while wearing a tutu and lipstick … so maybe I need to rethink the whole cow-in-the-backyard-next-to-the-trampoline thing.

Anyway, we had a great time, we learned a lot and we all gorged ourselves on fresh, 36-degree (the perfect temperature for milk, say the experts) milk, both chocolate and vitamin D. Thanks, Mr. K. Mike did a phenomenal job with us yesterday. We all left knowing way more about cows, milk and everything in between than we ever expected.

Keep on milkin’!

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I’m going to meet my cow, you guys!


Haven’t kept up with the ODNT Kleinpeter Dairy Chronicles? These links should get you up to speed.

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After that last post, the one about the big secret, I sent Mr. Kleinpeter the following email:
HOLY COW! I AM SO HUMBLED! (Did I just seriously say Holy Cow?) Thank you so much for the high honor. Needless to say, I’ve already put this news out on the blog. Click here to view – http://wp.me/p1LoLK-1N4. I’m excited, my readers are excited and my kids are excited. Especially my daughter. She’s dying to come meet Michele sometime in the future. You seem to have met the level of insanity we like to maintain around here just fine. Again, thanks so much for giving me the news that I will be leading with at my high school reunion tonight. I’ll bet nobody can top becoming a bovine namesake. 🙂

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Then, this week, I was chatting with my friend, Virginia, and she was asking about all of the Kleinpeter Dairy activity here at ODNT. And, like so many others who live near me, she mentioned that the story had captured her attention and that hers was now totally a Kleinpeter family. So, when I told her that Mr. K had offered my family (and any friends I wanted to bring along) a grand tour of the farm, she practically squealed.

That was Wednesday night. So, naturally, I sent the following email the very next day … as in Thursday, yesterday:

Hi, Mr. K — I’m here to appeal to your spontaneous side. I was talking to a friend yesterday who’s been following the whole Kleinpeter Dairy story and she mentioned how much she and her kids would love to visit the farm and meet ‘Michele.’ I told her you’d actually offered us a tour and that I was seriously considering a visit up there soon. Then, when she and I went back and forth with our summer plans, kids’ camp schedules, vacation itineraries, etc., we realized our best opportunity might just be (are you ready for this?) tomorrow. We could drive up in the morning and leave in early afternoon. There would be two adults and five kids in our party. Any chance this would work for you guys? Michele

And you know, he got back to me … just three minutes later …
I’m in Tennessee, but my Farm Manager is available. Want me to line it up? He’s an awesome guy.
To which I, of course, said …

Yes, please. We’d LOVE to come tomorrow. I’m so sorry we’ll miss you though. When and where do we need to be? Remember, we need to drive in from New Orleans which is a little over an hour. Thanks!

Then, him (copying me) to his right hand man & Farm Manager, Mike Price …
Mike, please give Michele directions to the farm and give her the Grand Tour Friday. Thanks.
Then, me to Mike …
Hi, Mike, I talked to my friend, Virginia, and we’d like to leave New Orleans around 10am to be there for noon tomorrow. Virginia is printing out the map tonight to ensure no mistakes along the way. (You should know I have NO internal compass whatsoever. It’s sad really.) Our party consists of five kids and two (ridiculously excited) moms. We can’t wait to see you guys. Thanks for making time for us.
That was yesterday. And yes. OF COURSE, we went today. Would YOU pass up a chance to visit a dairy farm and meet a cow named after you? Be honest. ….. Do you even have a cow named after you? (pause) I didn’t think so. … Anyway, I’m writing about all of it tonight and I’ll post it tomorrow … with lots of pictures. SO STAY TUNED!
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I’m such a city girl, y’all. Just call me Eva Gabor.
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