Things I Learned at BlogHer12 (that they didn’t actually teach me)

(1) Just because a woman has ‘succulent’ in her blog name does not, repeat NOT, mean she has an erotica blog. Do not assume it. And, for the love of Henry, do not ask her to her face if she writes a sexy blog. She doesn’t. You will feel like a schmuck. And you will be forced to stand there for 10 minutes staring at each other and making small talk about the decor in the room around you.

(2) Know that when you have ‘tits’ in your blog name there is a risk of offending 1 in 2 people at BlogHer12. Seek these people out intentionally.

(3) Make people uncomfortable by asking them to determine whether or not you actually got the ‘new tits’ referenced in your blog title. Wear different quantities of bra padding daily to throw off your fellow attendees.

(4) Use your phone’s texting feature to communicate silently with your friends during moments where someone is speaking at a podium. Or you will be shushed. Often. And very stink-eyedly by the lady in front of you. And then you’ll realize that you have now made an enemy. Cover your name badge so she can’t associate you with immaturity and selfishness. If possible, steal your friend’s name badge so only she is slandered by this self-righteous woman.

(5) Realize that if you or your writing partners are too funny on the above mode of communication (mentioned in #4), your efforts will be futile because one of you will inexplicably burst out laughing and look like a complete asshole in an otherwise quiet room.

(6) Try to make your friend be the one who looks like the asshole (mentioned in #5) by outfunnying them. (Yes, it IS a word. Look it up.) (Pause for effect … and because at least one dumb ass will look it up.) (Fine. I owe you a Coke.)

(7) Know that, because you are new, you will not be invited to any of the special parties being hosted at the event. Decide that it is okay and secretly plot a pigs-blood-from-Carrie moment for next year’s convention against one of the popular girls. Then put it as #7 in your post so that everyone actually sees it and starts sweating it out wondering “Oh, shit. Will it be me?” as they make mental notes to leave all white clothing at home next summer.

(8) Regret that you wrote #7 but, instead of deleting it from your list, simply apologize to everyone and let them know that you will not be bringing any pig blood to Blogher13. Mostly because you’d need more than 2 ounces of it so airport security would just take it away anyway. Get fired up thinking about airport security and start googling ‘pig farms’ and ‘slaughterhouses’ in Chicago because the whole ‘Carrie’ plan is back on … but now targeted at airport security.

(9) Prepare your family for your inevitable arrest at O’Hare next year when you throw a suitcase of pig blood on the security team because you are fed up with being body-scanned every time you travel.

(10) Hope that everyone reading has a funny bone located somewhere in the 206 bones of the human body (nerd reference … so that you can walk away saying you learned at least one thing reading this post). Remind everyone that you are just an idiot who writes pretty much whatever you want. Sound convincing when you assure them that when they meet you in person you will only politely say “Nice to meet you. And what do YOU write about?” … while secretly clenching a small vial of pig’s blood in your clenched fist. Just in case.

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A big shout out to my roommate and homegirl (I can say that because I’m white), Mel at According to Mags, for not stealing my kidney or posting naked pictures of me on the internet after rooming with me on the very first day she met me.

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We brought dates to the Sparklecorn party. (And now you guys really think I’m obsessed with blood.)

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If we’re very lucky … Mel’s Christmas card.

* * * * * * * * * *

Can’t wait ’til next year!

Attention all sponsors … I will wear, eat, say, write, demonstrate, juggle, sleep on, dropkick, sing about, paint, annihilate, augment, hurl, imitate, read, cheese-cover or endorse anything if you pay my way to Chicago in 2013.

“Well … almost anything,” she added cryptically.

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20 responses to “Things I Learned at BlogHer12 (that they didn’t actually teach me)

  1. Man, now I’m REALLY sad I didn’t get to meet you in person. I would so loved to talk about my sexy sexy blog.

  2. Bahhahahha now THIS makes me wish I went. (Damn anonymous blogger problems).

  3. I love the date you brought. Glad you had lots of fun!

  4. I was somewhat useful, too. Old men=drink tickets they forgot to give us…while we are badge-less. OOOOOH! We need our badge to get into the Blogher party? Who knew? :)

    That was fun. SO.MUCH. FUN! xo

  5. I like, should have totally went….

  6. Damn it! I already liked you…. but, this post made me LOVE you!!!! ;)

  7. Ahahahaha. Did people seriously get offended by the name of your blog? Some people really need to get a life. I was not at BlogHer, but from all the Tweets I read about it, it looked like an awesome time. HOWEVER, I had no idea that there were “special parties” that not everyone was invited to. Crazy.

  8. laughs hysterically I love it!

  9. Awesome! Where else can you find the terms ‘succulent’, ‘tits’, and ‘vial of pigs blood’ all in the same blog entry! :)

  10. You and Mel were so quiet and boring. I really wish you two would have spoken up or something this weekend. SIGH. Maybe next year you’ll come out of your shells?

  11. How did I miss all this good fun? Oh, I know. TOo busy hiding in my room freaked out from all the funny, funny women I heard everywhere. Glad you had a good time!

  12. I get searched by TSA after every. stinking. conference. It’s like they know I have 9 vibrators in my bag or something. I can only imagine the treatment I would get if I had a bucket full of pigs blood in my carry-on. Sheesh. So great to meet you and Mags. See in you in Chicago? (You get first dibs on my drink tix.)

  13. Dude, I tried SOOOOO hard to not look at your boobage after you told me the name of your website! Failed. I loved meeting both of you and sorry you met me at the end of a my “awkward run.” I went straight up to my room and filmed my robot dance for the “Call Me BlogHer” montage. What they didn’t ask for was a dancing robot and my awesome pointing poses I threw in for kicks and giggles . We will see if I am edited out! Bahhaaha! Check out my “Ten Stupid Things I Learned at BlogHer” and be happy you didn’t make it into my list as the mommy porn lady that doesn’t have a porn website and is going to hell. Bahahaha!!! You were so smart to have a “buddy”

  14. OM Freakin’ G…I love this. I am still sad I didn’t get to go….but I AM GOING NEXT YEAR! Hey, are those your boobs on Bearded Iris??? If so, we match. We could be Matching Racks ~ we should so room together next year ~ we could at least compare bra strap shoulder indentions. Thanks for the stuff I needed to know that no one would tell me!

  15. So I learned: Bring a cellphone, and focus on embarrasing others.
    Got it.

    Glad you had so much fun!

  16. I didn’t think it was possible for you to be as gorgeous as you are funny. But you are. I looooooved hanging out with you and Mel. I don’t know if I have BlogHer13 in me, honestly. But … maybe I can be convinced…

    Also? Numbers 4-6 above? One of my fave moments at BlogHer. I guess we should have met in-person and got our shrieking of “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M FINALLY MEETING YOU!!!! *before* a semi-serious event where we were supposed to be quiet and respectful, huh? Oops.

    • You are too sweet. And painfully in need of an eye appointment. You’ll notice you only met me in dim lighting. Seriously … think back.

      Oh, and we’re not done talking about BlogHer13, dear girl. Not. Even. Close. We’re gonna be huge by then. HUGE!

      And, by that, I mean viral. Not obese.

      Or possibly both. We’ll see.

  17. I’m sure you know how sexy my blog is. Or at least, all of those people who google me under nude girls, nude tomgirls, granny panties seem to think so.

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