OldDogNewTits











{December 9, 2012}   The Baby Food Diet – Day Three

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.

Want to read about it from the beginning? Day OneDay Two

Today’s Weight – 119.8

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

It’s Day Three. Know what that means? It means that at noon today I hit the halfway mark on this thing. Two and half days down, two and a half to go. Hey! I can still do math. That’s awesome. Because I’ve started to feel a little stupid. Not because I’ve solemnly vowed to all of you that I’d eat nothing but baby food for five days straight (I’m freakishly proud of that) but rather because my diet consists solely of food meant to provide mental staying power for a human whose age is still represented in months. As I see it, the fact that I’m holding my head up independently, handling my own spoon and walking without hanging on to the sofa is HUGE! How many babies do you know that can do all that after only a few days?

Oh, and I have a few more awards to give out today.

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SMELLS MOST LIKE PUKE

This swill is from yesterday. It wins hands down. Milo had a freakin’ field day when I unleashed it. And I ate it with my nose pinched. I am totally serious.

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TASTES MOST LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD EAT WHILE NOT ON THIS DIET

Split Pea & Carrot Soup. Who knew? I don’t even think I like real Split Pea Soup. But this one was amazing. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Let’s just say it was … palatable. After I added a trinity of saltless spices (onion, garlic & chili powders) to it. Of course, I only bought one jar of it.

Still need proof of my commitment? Remember the Macaroni & Cheese sludge I ate yesterday? The one I’m awarding ‘TASTES MOST LIKE PUKE?” Well, I stupidly bought three of these mothers. And far be it from me to “starve babies” and waste this disgusting shit important nutrition. So I am powering through. HARDCORE. Today, I forced down jar #2.

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And seriously??? BACK THE HELL OFF, MILO!!! This one’s Apples, Mango & Kiwi. Where were you when I was choking down the freakin’ YACK & Cheese?

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Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 9:47am – Gerber Bananas (6oz., 140 calories)
  • 12:23pm – banana (90 calories)
  • 1:1opm – Gerber Macaroni & Cheese (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 1:20pm – Earth’s Best Split Pea & Carrot Soup (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 12:15pm – Gerber Graduates Banana CreamWaffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 2:25pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 2:55pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
  • 4:48pm – Beech Nut Apples, Mango & Kiwi (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 5:50pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 6:05pm – Earth’s Best Tender Chicken & Stars (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 6:15pm – Earth’s Best Winter Squash (4 oz., 40 calories)
  • 7:43om – Gerber Pears & Cinnamon with Oatmeal (3.5 oz., 7o calories)
  • 8:12pm – banana (90 calories)
  • 8:35pm –  Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (36 pieces, 70 calories)
  • 8:40pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)

Total calories for the day – 1037 (Don’t judge. Exhausted. Compromised sleep weekend. I’m going to bed.)

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

  • The icky sweet taste that has become a permanent fixture in my mouth might just make me go postal. A word of warning … Check the rooftops around you when you’re in open areas for the next two days.
  • I WANT SALT!
  • To my friends who worried that I would either be plagued with constipation or explosive diarrhea, know that as of today you have nothing to worry about. Forty-eight hours into the diet, I made things right by my intestinal system. And I did it on the POTTY! YAY!!! (claps hands) Oh, God. Am I regressing in that I am oddly proud of that?
  • And speaking of regressing, I think I’m getting dumber. For the life of me today, I couldn’t come up with the word ‘stapler.’ I stared at it, across the room on the shelf, grunting at it and wanting someone to hand it to me. And then I just went to get it myself. At least no one took it away from me when I finally got it. I think that’s what babies feel like every day. Poor, stupid babies.
  • Babies should be contestants on Fear Factor. They would kick ass in the eating-nasty-crap challenges.

Oh, and one more thing. I’m very excited to hear that some of you have chosen to join me on this bizarre and grueling journey. And I want to hear from you. We all do. In the comments, on Twitter, or whatever other desperate distress signal you want to send out. Hang in there!

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El Guapo says:

Remember ODNT, we’re laughing near you…



Vanessa says:

Fuck this shit! I’m out! You’ll find me tomorrow on the floor with a giant bag of Cheetos, an empty jar of Nutella and a big smile on my fat face!!!! Hang in there hungry babies! Help is on the way!!!!!



I’m reminded of that episode of Seinfeld. I think it was called “Master of My Domain.” The characters made a bet to see who could go the longest without … well, you remember the episode or you don’t.

And, ladies and gentlemen, I think Vanessa just pulled a “Kramer” on me.



Anna G. says:

1. I think that I just lost your 6 pounds throwing up after reading about this experiment. 2. If you want to lose weight you should try juicing, you can lose about 9 pounds in 3 days. Although I have no idea where these imaginary 6 pounds are that you are trying to lose. If you have netflix, watch “Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead” (none of which you are of course) but it’s an interesting watch and will let you know about juicing. & 3. I just threw up again. I can’t wait to read about days 4 & 5.



Ray Ray says:

PAHAHAHAHA!! Vanessa.



JACKIE CAUVIN says:

Omg!!!!



The Hook says:

Keep up the good work!
Sorry, that’s all I can manage on a Monday..



Funny stuff. The bananas seem to do the trick in the morning



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