OldDogNewTits











{December 10, 2012}   The Baby Food Diet – Day Four

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.

Want to read about it from the beginning? Day OneDay TwoDay Three

Today’s Weight – 119.4

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So I have a theory. Want to hear it? (Nod your head, damn it.) I know the secret behind the Baby Food Diet. Let’s take a look at what’s happening in my skull approximately ten times each day, shall we?

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ME: (pensively … or as pensive as a dumbass subsisting on baby food can be) I’m hungry. What do I want to eat? … What to eat? … What to eat? Well, there’s Rice & Lentil dinner … or Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce with Beef … or Plums, Bananas & Brown Rice …. um …. Wow. You know what? I’m good. I think I’m just going to go to bed.

The soft stuff is like cat food. Or cat puke. I can’t decide. (Either way, I get it now, Milo.) And the “hard” stuff, like my cookies, tastes like dog treats. Or so I am told. I should probably test that theory. In any event, it’s probably a good thing I decided to go public with this thing to keep me motivated. And honest.

The bottom line is … I miss food. Like a dear, departed friend. And I realized that I haven’t allowed myself to grieve properly. So today, inside of about three minutes, I pushed though the five stages of grief.

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1. DENIAL (top left) - “This is going to be awesome. Piece of cake. My babies were great eaters. How bad can it be? Maybe I can even find something with cheese in it.”

2. ANGER (top right) - “WHAT THE …” (gagging) “WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EAT THIS CRAP?” (throwing jar at wall) “YOU SUCK, GERBER!” (to anyone dumb enough to call) “NO! I DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT FOR PIZZA, YOU JACKASS! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M EATING MY F*CKING ‘MIXED SPRING VEGETABLES WITH PASTA?’ GOD, YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT!!”

3. BARGAINING (bottom left) – “PLEASE. PLEASE … There’s got to be something palatable out there. Can someone PLEASE tell me something that I can eat that won’t leave that icky sweet aftertaste in my mouth? Seriously, I’m going to kill somebody today. PLEEEEEEEEEASE.”

4. DEPRESSION (bottom right) - “It doesn’t matter anymore.” (dripping squash down chin) “It all tastes the same anyway. Why even try to find a  good one anymore?” (crying … ironically like a baby) “No. Thanks anyway.” (to nobody in particular) “Whatever. I’m off to bed.”

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5. ACCEPTANCE: “Um … well, I have lost three pounds so far. And tomorrow is the last day. Plus Baby Cheetos rock. Thank you, Baby Cheetos. I love you, Baby Cheetos.”

Still need proof of my commitment? I chugged that last mother like I was still in college and it was coming through a funnel. Jar THREE of THREE. HARD … (vomit belch) … CORE.

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Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 8:15am - Gerber Bananas (6 oz., 140 calories)
  • 8:23am - Gerber Graduates Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 11:30am – Gerber Macaroni & Cheese (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 11:35am - Beech Nut Squash & Apples (4oz., 60 calories)
  • 11:44am - Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
  • 3:28pm - Beech Nut Apples & Blueberries (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 3:30pm - Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 4:30pm -  Diet Coke (At the grocery. It was that or the whole candy section. Or the delicious looking fat dude on aisle 3.)
  • 5:00pm – 1/2 avocado (125 calories) – Thanks, Mel, for the tip! Babies eat raw, saltless avocado.
  • 5:15pm - Gerber Turkey, Rice & Vegetables (6 oz., 130 calories)
  • 5:41pm – Earth’s Best Corn & Butternut Squash (4 oz., 70 calories)
  • 9:oopm – Gerber Apples & Bananas with Mixed Cereal (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 10:59pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 11:02pm – Beech Nut Apricot, Apples & Pears (4 oz., 110 calories)

Total calories for the day – 1031

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

  • There are too many freakin’ pictures of my face on today’s post. Sorry. I’m not in my right mind and have no intention of redoing this shit.
  • I STILL WANT SALT! And also cheese. (That’s weird. Why didn’t I yell cheese? I want it even more.)
  • I want to compete on Survivor. I’ve never seen the show but feel I could now kick ass on it.
  • After three days, my appetite is dramatically decreased. I realize that’s a mixed blessing. It’s probably a good thing I have only one day to go.
  • I fear all of my weight loss is coming from my cheeks. Sadly, I mean the ones on my face.

Oh, and one more thing. I’ve got another poll for you. Yes, it’s true. I haven’t been (overly) plagued by gastrointestinal issues so far. But the term “explosive diarrhea” comes to mind again when I think about being set loose the day after tomorrow. I’ve already been asked several times on Twitter what I’m going to binge on first. And my sweet boy told his dad we need to go out to dinner to celebrate the end of this thing on Wednesday. But I can’t decide where.

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Kari says:

I just figured out what’s missing . . . NAPS! This must be how babies pass the time away between horrible meals. They sleep so they don’t think about what they just ate. I’d like to apologize in advance for not realizing this earlier. You could have slept half this week away instead of starving. There’s always next time.



Mel says:

Yay, avacado! No wonder Mags used to shriek with excitement when I’d give her one. :)



El Guapo says:

Thank you, you’ve jsut inspired my first ever sympathy vomit belch.



Well… now you know why babies are cranky and cry a lot.

P.S. Couldn’t you just subsist on smoothies? Wouldn’t it be the exact same calories, only better tasting?



Susan says:

Congrats Michele!! You truly are my dieting idol. This is the most hideous diet I have ever tried! I am still only down 2 pounds but I continue to slurp on! By the way, I would give a limb at this point to find some Gerber Banana Cream Waffle Wheels!!



JACKIE CAUVIN says:

Be care your face doesn’t get too thin !!! At this age you show more of your face than your butt !!!! So you don’t have to be too thin. I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL NIECE !!!!!



It’s amazing how when I lose weight these days it all comes out of my face and boobs. My butt just doesn’t want to let it go! :)



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