For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.
Today’s Weight – 119.4
I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.
So I have a theory. Want to hear it? (Nod your head, damn it.) I know the secret behind the Baby Food Diet. Let’s take a look at what’s happening in my skull approximately ten times each day, shall we?
ME: (pensively … or as pensive as a dumbass subsisting on baby food can be) I’m hungry. What do I want to eat? … What to eat? … What to eat? Well, there’s Rice & Lentil dinner … or Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce with Beef … or Plums, Bananas & Brown Rice …. um …. Wow. You know what? I’m good. I think I’m just going to go to bed.
The soft stuff is like cat food. Or cat puke. I can’t decide. (Either way, I get it now, Milo.) And the “hard” stuff, like my cookies, tastes like dog treats. Or so I am told. I should probably test that theory. In any event, it’s probably a good thing I decided to go public with this thing to keep me motivated. And honest.
The bottom line is … I miss food. Like a dear, departed friend. And I realized that I haven’t allowed myself to grieve properly. So today, inside of about three minutes, I pushed though the five stages of grief.
1. DENIAL (top left) - “This is going to be awesome. Piece of cake. My babies were great eaters. How bad can it be? Maybe I can even find something with cheese in it.”
2. ANGER (top right) - “WHAT THE …” (gagging) ”WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EAT THIS CRAP?” (throwing jar at wall) ”YOU SUCK, GERBER!” (to anyone dumb enough to call) ”NO! I DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT FOR PIZZA, YOU JACKASS! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M EATING MY F*CKING ‘MIXED SPRING VEGETABLES WITH PASTA?’ GOD, YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT!!”
3. BARGAINING (bottom left) – “PLEASE. PLEASE … There’s got to be something palatable out there. Can someone PLEASE tell me something that I can eat that won’t leave that icky sweet aftertaste in my mouth? Seriously, I’m going to kill somebody today. PLEEEEEEEEEASE.”
4. DEPRESSION (bottom right) - “It doesn’t matter anymore.” (dripping squash down chin) “It all tastes the same anyway. Why even try to find a good one anymore?” (crying … ironically like a baby) “No. Thanks anyway.” (to nobody in particular) “Whatever. I’m off to bed.”
5. ACCEPTANCE: “Um … well, I have lost three pounds so far. And tomorrow is the last day. Plus Baby Cheetos rock. Thank you, Baby Cheetos. I love you, Baby Cheetos.”
Still need proof of my commitment? I chugged that last mother like I was still in college and it was coming through a funnel. Jar THREE of THREE. HARD … (vomit belch) … CORE.
Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:
8:15am - Gerber Bananas (6 oz., 140 calories)
8:23am - Gerber Graduates Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
11:30am – Gerber Macaroni & Cheese (4 oz., 80 calories)
11:35am - Beech Nut Squash & Apples (4oz., 60 calories)
11:44am - Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
3:28pm - Beech Nut Apples & Blueberries (4 oz., 80 calories)
3:30pm - Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
4:30pm - Diet Coke (At the grocery. It was that or the whole candy section. Or the delicious looking fat dude on aisle 3.)
5:00pm – 1/2 avocado (125 calories) – Thanks, Mel, for the tip! Babies eat raw, saltless avocado.
5:15pm - Gerber Turkey, Rice & Vegetables (6 oz., 130 calories)
5:41pm – Earth’s Best Corn & Butternut Squash (4 oz., 70 calories)
- 9:oopm – Gerber Apples & Bananas with Mixed Cereal (6 oz., 110 calories)
- 10:59pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
- 11:02pm – Beech Nut Apricot, Apples & Pears (4 oz., 110 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1031
Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way
- There are too many freakin’ pictures of my face on today’s post. Sorry. I’m not in my right mind and have no intention of redoing this shit.
- I STILL WANT SALT! And also cheese. (That’s weird. Why didn’t I yell cheese? I want it even more.)
- I want to compete on Survivor. I’ve never seen the show but feel I could now kick ass on it.
- After three days, my appetite is dramatically decreased. I realize that’s a mixed blessing. It’s probably a good thing I have only one day to go.
- I fear all of my weight loss is coming from my cheeks. Sadly, I mean the ones on my face.