OldDogNewTits











{December 11, 2012}   The Baby Food Diet – Day Five

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.

Want to read about it from the beginning? Day OneDay TwoDay ThreeDay Four

Today’s Weight – 118.1

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So here we are. Day Five. What can I write about baby food? What … can … I … write? Wow. Five days is kind of a long time, huh? The funny thing is that about a day or so ago I stopped craving real food so intently. Yeah, I think that’s super weird, too. And it’s hard to be witty on baby brain. I guess that’s why babies don’t speak much and everyone claps when they do something as simple as smile. Not to worry though. I’ll be back to splitting atoms and completing algebraic equations once the fat and carbs kick in. Until then, here’s a fun little allegory about what’s happening tomorrow.

Okay. So, in this film clip, the Indian = me and Christopher Lloyd = you. And the water fountain? Well, since it’s the apparatus he used to break free of his shackles, I think it represents the cheeseburger* that I’m going to ingurgitate tomorrow. Except that I am so not throwing it out the window. Seriously, it could hit the greasy floor and I would still eat it. But that’s a bet for a future post, isn’t it?

*Be sure to vote in the poll at the bottom of this post to help me decide which food shall be my emancipator.

Still need proof of my commitment? Well, then you’re just mean. But I’ll give you another picture anyway.

20121211-204341.jpg

Vivien said that, since I started this regimen, our garbage has been very “loud.” Today I realized why. It’s all those baby food jars clanking against the beer bottles. Although my jars seem to outnumber Dave’s bottles ten to one. I think it’s time to admit I might have a problem.

20121211-204350.jpg

I’ll probably have a few jars left over tomorrow, freak show … and they’re yours.

Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 9:22am – Gerber Bananas (6 oz., 140 calories)
  • 12:20pm – Gerber Graduates Maple Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 12:59pm – Gerber Chicken Noodle (6 oz., 120 calories)
  • 1:06pm – Beech Nut Squash & Apples (4oz., 60 calories)
  • 1:14pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 3:16pm – Gerber Graduates Maple Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 3:17pm – Black decaf coffee with Splenda. A terrible idea from start to finish. (Remember, I don’t drink coffee.)
  • 3:57pm – Earth’s Best Spaghetti with Cheese (6 oz., 90 calories)
  • 4:16pm – Earth’s Best Rice & Lentil Dinner (4 oz., 70 calories)
  • 6:02pm – 1/2 avocado (142 calories)
  • 6:45pm – Earth’s Best Spring Vegetables & Pasta (6 oz., 120 calories)
  • 7:44pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 9:50pm – Beech Nut Apple & Strawberries (4 oz., 90 calories)
  • 9:52pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
  • 9:55pm – Earth’ Best Winter Squash (4 oz., 40 calories)

Total calories for the day – 1023

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

  • Having your skinny pants fit perfectly is pretty freakin’ cool.
  • I’m aware of the fact that, as soon as I have so much as a bite of toast, I’m going to balloon up faster than Sherman Klump.
  • If you eat enough baby food, you will in fact start to smell like baby food. I’d like to think people thought I was a new mom again. But with my luck they probably just thought I was a young (and obviously  involved) grandmother.
  • I realize why I miss dairy so much. I’ve had plenty of fruits, vegetables, “meats,” and starches but I’ve just about completely overlooked my dairy. Because babies under one are either drinking formula or (second vomit belch) nursing. And while I was a supplier for nearly four years, I draw the line at being a consumer.
  • I dodged a bullet today when I attended my girl’s choir concert. Thank God only the kids were admitted to the hotel’s holiday lunch. I wasn’t ready to pull out my baby food jars in front of a bunch of parents who trust me to watch their children from time to time.

20121211-204425.jpg

 A gratuitous picture from today’s concert. Them’s my skinny pants.

Oh, and one more thing. VOTE IN THE POLL! I’m finally eating real food tomorrow and you guys know I can’t be left to decide these things for myself. Cross your fingers that my infantile digestive system handles everything beautifully.

The final weigh-in and wrap up will posted tomorrow following my food-induced coma.

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Anna G. says:

Babies drink coffee?



That is a valid question, Anna. And for it, I have two answers:

1. No, but …. I drank a calorie-free beverage (Diet Coke, herbal tea and, sadly, black coffee) each day to get me through. I justified that since it had no calories it didn’t count.

2. No, but … for the record, I literally only drank 2 or 3 sips and gave the rest to Dave (as he can attest). The stuff was AWFUL.



the Gerber bananas are pretty good – Splenda in coffee sucks no matter what – just saying,,



Yeah, they’re pretty palatable. And “filling.” Which is why I elected to have them for breakfast so often. Thanks for the coffee tip. Agreed!



El Guapo says:

Hey, I like splenda in my coffee.
And cream.
Mmmm…..



oh well with cream its ok – two things – don;t put the splenda in til after its brewed – I have a french press and always put the sugar in with the coffee grounds – second – if you only go to Starbucks once in awhile as a treat – don’t think the skinny peppermint mocha is any sort of treat at all…. it’s made with skim milk and Splenda I mean wtf? splenda with real cream is the only way to go…and splenda in black coffee – although nothing will ever come close to the bitterness of sweet and low – ug.. so the cream is what makes it… even without sugar…ya know what? I got this all wrong

Coffee with no cream sucks – no matter what or if you sweeten it…



Thanks, Lizzie. Especially if you’re not a coffee drinker in the first place!

I learned my lesson. :)



I learned the hard way too.. I used to hate coffee – but no one really knows that :-)



El Guapo says:

I think you should finish the week with a marathon of mac and cheese so you never again subject your reade- yourself to this again.



The Hook says:

Gorgeous closing shot! What else can I say? You’ve made my Friday!



Awww. (sniff) Just … awwwwww!

Thanks!



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