OldDogNewTits











{December 27, 2012}   The Mystery of the Surprise Shoes – SOLVED!

Remember the post I wrote last week about the surprise pair of size 9 strappy leather heels that showed up on my doorstep? I couldn’t figure out why (if he was ordering them for me) Dave had miscalculated my feet to be two sizes larger or why (if he was ordering them for himself) he’d miscalculated his feet to be three sizes smaller. Never mind the fact that they don’t match any of his suits at all.

But now it all makes sense. Because I got a call from Discover. It seems my credit card was stolen just before the holidays. Which prompts me to write ….

Dear Despicable, Lowlife, Smells-Like-Bad-Things Larcenist,

The jig is up!

I’m not sure who you are or how you managed to appropriate the numbers on my credit card … but you will get nothing from me and mine this year. The shoes you selected for yourself or some barefooted loved one are now safely in my possession. I have no idea what I’m doing with them yet. I could donate them to a number of friends who will gaudily bejewel and bedazzle them to create spectacular throws for the widely-popular Muses parade held in these parts a few days before Mardi Gras.

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I’ve also considered using them as a hammer as the sturdy wooden heel would serve this purpose well. Or I could use one to level my old rickety washing machine. Oooh! Or the wood could help Herve keep his teeth filed down to an acceptable length for a hamster. There are so many possibilities that I just can’t decide. In any event, YOU will not be receiving them … as you were somehow wily enough to steal my credit card and yet too stupid to change the shipping address on your shoe order. Dumb … and might I add … ass.

And, while we’re on the subject of your stupidity …. my friends and I are curious why, if you had the ability to purchase a full spectrum of fashionable shoes across the globe and clearly no morals with which to accessorize them, you would elect to buy a cheap shit pair on clearance for $7.26.

You’re not very good at this life of crime business.

Which also reminds me … your repeated attempts to find an online friend at buddies4you.com as well as your clumsy efforts to purchase tickets via Delta Airlines have left a paper trail right to your front door (meaning your computer, jack ass) and thus your days of online shopping with (aka STEALING) my and the rest of the world’s money are coming to an end.

I hope you had a Merry Christmas as 2013 is likely to start getting a little suckier for you.

Sincerely,

The Rightful Owner of the Discover Card

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* * * * * Free to Good Home!!! * * * * * 

If you wear a size 9 ladies shoe and are interested in taking these babies off my hands at no expense to me, please let me know by leaving a comment below. I will also be advertising their availability on both my ODNT and personal Facebook sites. Let me know why you want them and what you plan to do with them and I’ll pick a “winner” very soon.

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Vanessa says:

Buddies4you and seven dollar shoes? What a sad, sad little person. Maybe she met someone on the site and purchased the shoes to wear them on her flight to meet her new buddy? Depressing!!!! :-(



El Guapo says:

Seriously, if you haven’t, contact the three credit bureaus and find out what steps you can take to protect yourself, your identity and your credit score.

Oh, and keep the shoes to pummel the jackass with if you ever get the chance.



Susan says:

There are a few tweeps I know who could bedazzle and glitter the hell out of those for Mardi Gras! But my vote is to use them for Herve”s gnawing pleasure! He asks for so little in life! He deserves those ugly ass shoes! :)



Michelle Alley says:

Cute. Perfect size. Heel not obnoxiously big. Looks relatively comfortable. At my age you can’t ask for much more! Put my name in!



Will do. Thanks, Michelle.



Debby says:

Love the shoes. Too bad I wear a size 6. New follower from the TGIF blog hop.

http://debbydoesavon.blogspot.com/



Welcome, Debby. I know! I’m a 6.5/7. That would’ve been pretty cool.



Wow, only $7? That was weird. Although when someone stole my man’s credit card number and they tried to buy expensive shoes they got busted right away as they noticed that it was an unusual purchase for a large sum of money so maybe they were scared to make large purchases. Stupid thieves. I’m glad they’ll never see their thrift store shoes.



I wonder if Buddy the Elf runs Buddies for you. Or maybe this sad sack *thought* he did and was trying to rent an elf for Christmas. Sadder still. Saddest? Though they’re totally not my size, I actually think these shoes are kinda cute, but I’m now too embarrassed to say so. Wait, what?



Nah. The only reason I’m really dissing the shoes is because of the bad karma attached to them. I figure, by finding them a new home, I can cleanse their souls (er … soles) and give them a new beginning.

(I have the flu. And I’m pretty sure the cold meds just kicked in.)



If a pair of size 41 Vibram FiveFingers show on on your doorstep….those you can send to me…..or size 8 Chucks…..with flames….



I’ll keep that (very specific) request in mind should anything else present itself. :)



I can’t believe those shoes were less than $8! And that’s what they chose to do with your credit card? That is truly bizarre. I had a weird $10 charge on my card once that forced me to cancel it and start over. Never found the source. And no awesome shoes showed up at my door. Some criminals are just imbeciles. Thankfully, those are the criminals that targeted us! We don’t want the serious masterminds that bilk us of every penny before we even know it!



sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms says:

Dumbassery really does follow you. ;) Ellen



Yes, Ellen. Yes, it does. (Sigh.)



Haha. Thanks for the laughs. I were a size 9 shoes, but I live in Germany, so shipping would probably come to too much for me, alas! That thief has great taste, thought



Wish you were closer. I’d love to see the shoes go to someone who loves them.



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