{December 2, 2013}   Letter #4 to Hamilton Beach (How am *I* the outlaw here?)

Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? Get up to speed by reading these posts first:

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Dear “Betty,”

What can I say? You guys have been very flexible about which I am most appreciative. I hope that you’re right about the “it may arrive sooner” part you mentioned  because we’re now only able to use our toaster when the dial is set to 1. If possible, it seems to be getting even hotter. Consequently, we’ve been eating mostly hot and cold cereals and other breakfast foods that don’t rely on a toaster around here. But, frankly, we miss bagels! And Pop-Tarts! And I just found some pumpkin spice waffles my kids are dying to try!

Concerning the cord amputation, are you sure you don’t want to examine the machine in its entirety to determine exactly what went wrong? Yes. I know you can’t dissect every lemon, but it’s a valid suggestion, don’t you think? If, however, you still want me to proceed with the original plan so you can see a picture of my dead toaster, I’ll enlist my husband’s assistance. He used to work with animals so things like death and guts are no strangers to him. I’m sure he can help me with this difficult task. We’ll get you your (sniff) gruesome photo as soon as the new toaster arrives.
Thanks again for working with me. And feel free to crack a smile. I’ll bet you have a lovely one. :)
Michele Robert Poche
P.S. I’d love a UPS tracking number if that’s not too much trouble.

* * * * * * * * * *

I Googled “Dead Toaster” in an attempt to find a comical image to accompany this post. Here’s the best one I could find. (Boo)


Interestingly enough, when I scrolled down through the images a bit, I actually found a picture of ME holding a butcher knife to a toaster. My image was number 70 on the list. Seventy! Seriously? *I* am the seventieth deadliest person in the world to toasters??? Thanks a lot, Hamilton Beach. You’ve made me a monster in the small appliance community.

Of course, the whole thing got me to thinking … and Googling. And I discovered that, as far as toasters are concerned, I get WAY more infamous than seventieth. Thanks to Hamilton Beach.

Googling “I killed my toaster” earned me 4th deadliest …


“My dead toaster” inched me up to number 3 …


“I amputated my toaster” brought me to 2 …


And yes, my friends … thanks to Hamilton Beach … I am now the number one image provided by Google when searching “I KILLED A DEFENSELESS TOASTER!”


P.S. For the record, images four and five here are also mine. I have no idea what image two is but, thanks to Hamilton Beach, we will now all be having nightmares tonight. (shudder)

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Stay tuned, guys. That toaster’s got to be coming soon!


That Suburban Momma
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Kari says:

You’re killing me. Along with crappy toasters.

Gayle Choo says:

I’m no lawyer, but I watch a lot of Judge Judy & Law & Order, & you’re no toaster murderer. Legally, I’d say that, at worst, you’re guilty of the attempted murder of a toaster. Morally, however, it would be a mercy killing. I’d let you off easy…

Rhonda says:

Um, congrats on being #1?

Toasters have no rights, and that’s just sad. Can openers and microwaves are looked after by the ACLU, but not toasters.

Visiting you thanks to Finding the Funny, by the way.

Exactly, Eli. Toasters seem to have fallen into the cracks of today’s system. And something needs to be done about it. Now!

How about we start with T-shirts that say, “More Toasting, Less Microwaving”?

[…] Letter #4 to Hamilton Beach (How am *I* the outlaw here?) […]

[…] Letter #4 to Hamilton Beach (How am *I* the outlaw here?) […]

[…] Letter #4 to Hamilton Beach (How am *I* the outlaw here?) […]

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