I ran across an article recently entitled 20 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30. It was featured on a website called Rant Chic and has been bouncing around Facebook. And, since I am (cough) a little bit over 30, the title intrigued me. ‘Cause I’m quite the trend setter. (smoothing wrinkled Target pants with hole in knee) I’ve got this.
To read the original article, click here. To read my take on the original article, just scroll down. When you see :), it means I’m following the rules. When you see :(, well … Let’s just take a look at my fashion prowess, shall we?
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20 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30
1. Leopard Print. :)
Not now nor ever will I wear leopard print. I don’t know what cat-nailed, smeary-lipsticked, chain-smoking old broad scared me away, but animal prints scream Zsa Zsa to me. Or Mrs. Roper. Or Peg Bundy.
Ooh! Or Endora.
2. Sparkly Pants. :)
There is no time period in my life that I would EVER wear these. My butt is the LAST part of my body I want to illuminate and bedazzle. I’d be a walking disco ball.
3. Oversized Sunglasses. :(
I proudly wore a pair of Jackie O’s well into my 30s. And I’d do it again. Since when is obstructing your aging face a bad thing? Speaking of which, does Old Navy carry burkas?
4. Non-matching socks. :)
Is this a thing or am I being punk’d?
5. Hoop earrings. :(
Wait … what??? Sure, I traded yesterday’s grapefruit-sized hoops for today’s plum-sized variety. But nobody can tell me I can’t wear my hoops. They make me … if you will … who I am.
I’m adjusting the rule. If you can fit your boobs through them, you shouldn’t be wearing them after 30.
6. Furry boots. :)
Only as house slippers.
7. Furry anything. :(
Aww, man. I have a fuzzy black vest I just bought a couple of years ago. And I love it. I thinks it adds a splash of Oh-No-You-Di’ent to any outfit.
8. Tube tops. :)
Always hated them. I need clothing that allows me to be confident that I’m not one yank from being naked.
9. Short dresses. :)
The conditions that ALL must be present for me to wear a short dress:
A. I must remain standing for the entire evening.
B. Eating and drinking are not an option.
C. I must wear heels high enough to alter the skeletal structure of my foot.
D. My ensemble must accommodate either black pantyhose or (better) black tights.
E. Victoria’s Secret and/or Sports Illustrated must have named me a Supermodel.
10. Mini skirts. :)
11. Overalls. :(
Hold the phone. Women should only wear overalls before age 30?!!? Well, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Seriously, overalls are all the rage for new-mom, I-can’t-lose-the-freaking-baby-weight, drop-one-strap-for-easy-nursing-access fashion. This one’s got to be a typo.
12. Crop tops. :)
I wrote and deleted the blurb for this one three times. I just kept using words like slutty, loose and Kelly Kapowski. And I didn’t sound nice. Not at all.
Seriously, was Lisa Turtle the only one whose mama raised her right?
13. American Eagle. :)
The only thing I ever bought there was a green jacket that everyone said looked like the one George Costanza wore on Seinfeld. Needless to say, I chucked it immediately.
14. Booty shorts. :)
Not unless you’re an In Living Color fly girl. And it’s 1992.
15. Sneakers. :(
But I LIKE old and raggedy. I AM old and raggedy.
16. Cheap bras. :(
WhatEVer. Who has the
money desire time to shop at Victoria’s Secret?
17. Glitter eyeshadow. :)
Not unless it’s Halloween, Mardi Gras or Vivien is at the wheel for my makeover.
Although, sadly, I must confess that it’s likely ability and not fashion sense that’s keeping me from replicating this awesome technique right this minute. How awesome would I look at carpool today?!!?
18. Platform flip-flops. :(
Hello? Are Volatile flips not THE most comfortable shoe in the world? Bite me, fashion list.
19. Abercrombie & Fitch. :)
I hate this store. HATE it. Always have. It’s dark. And loud. Two qualities that make it hard to read price tags and badger friends for their advice.
20. Scrunchies. :(
I probably have about ten of these in my house. They’re perfect for throwing your hair back for a quick face wash. Now, do I sometimes forget they’re in and venture out into public spaces? Well …
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I scored a 12/20. In other words, 60%. Meaning I failed. Guess the closet and I have a date with a hefty bag. What about you?
What’s YOUR score?