OldDogNewTits












Yesterday was all about movies I love so much I just had to own them. Of course, I haven’t even begun to finish collecting my favorites titles yet. So since yesterday’s list was about seven movies I already own, I decided to make today’s about the same number that I still need to buy. Think my family will remember them in December?

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1. About a Boy

2. Bridget Jones I (Don’t play this clip with the kids.)

3. Bridget Jones II

4. Chocolat

5. Man on the Moon

6. Sling Blade

7. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?

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What about you?

What movies are on your holiday/birthday/Arbor Day list?

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

 

About these ads



They’re not necessarily Oscar winners. Nor are they million dollar blockbusters. There might even be titles you’ve never heard of before. Still, they’re some of my favorite movies from over the years. They’ve  all touched me … or tickled me … or just reached me in some way to the point that I felt compelled to buy them so that I could view them any time and as many times as I wanted.

I should point out that I purchase movies for myself very infrequently. Sure, we have a decent film library in our home but more than 95% of these titles belong to my children. The movies I’m talking about today are just for me. You can tell a lot about a person from his or her movie preferences. Which is why I’m nervous as hell about sharing mine. (Deep breath) Okay, on the count of three …

One …

.

Two ….

.

 … oh, whatever. Here they are!

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1. Benny & Joon

2. Bowfinger

3. Down With Love

4. The Full Monty

5. Moulin Rouge

6. My Life

7. Sliding Doors

* * * * * * * * * *

Do I still have a few titles I want to pick up? Yes, of course. There are actually several that come to mind immediately. I’ll try to get that together for tomorrow’s post. Until then, what about YOU?

What movies do you love so much that you just had to own them?

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory




Yesterday, I wrote a fun little post called Six Oddly Specific Things I’m Good at Doing. So today, I feel absolutely compelled to share the opposite. Sadly, this counterpoint has enough content to compose a novel… and I mean an epic novel that would rival the likes of War and Peace. But, because we all lead busy lives and need to do things like earn a living, I’ll just include a snippet here.

For your enjoyment.

And my humiliation.

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Frying an egg. You people are gifted geniuses. How the hell you flip this runny concoction over baffles my mind. I’ve tried it. Many times. And I always make a terrible mess. In the pan, on the stove and, once when I tried to be especially creative with a pancake-style flip, on the floor and ceiling. Seriously, a chicken could probably do it better than me.

Ordering off a menu. I know people who walk into a restaurant for the first time ever, open the menu, then promptly and decisively tell the waiter, “I’ll have the fried oyster salad.” I am in awe of these people. I’ve never been able to do that a day in my life. What if the oysters aren’t crunchy enough? Can I request that the chef prepare them that way? And I don’t want the red onions. Can we leave them off? Or, better yet, can we replace them with avocado? Oh, and can I get the remoulade dressing on the side? Unless it’s too spicy. Is it too spicy? If so, I’ll  have Balsamic. Or, you know what, can I just see the menu again?

Cutting a mango. Before you judge me, have you ever tried it? I actually watched a few YouTube videos in an effort to learn this valuable skill. Because it’s Vivien’s favorite fruit. And the dude in the video make the most beautiful mango squares I’ve ever seen. With no waste whatever. I HATE the dude in the video.

Putting a fitted sheet on a queen bed. I can’t do it when Dave’s out of town. So I either sleep in filth or leave the 4th corner hanging. I haven’t tried my hand with a king sheet but I assume the same rule applies. The rule being that I’m pitiful and have arms too weak to get that tight 4th corner fitted in place. Spaz.

Baking anything other than a single layer cake. I’ve tried. Lord, how I’ve tried. The stupid Betty Crocker box makes it look so easy. Two circles stacked on top of each other with icing in the middle and all around the outer layer. It’s the classic American birthday cake. My attempts at it would disgust Ms. Crocker and probably ban me from being able to purchase her products ever again.

Sleeping. The three-prong process seems simple. Lie down, shut eyes, drift off. Then remain that way for 7-8 hours. I’ve never been able to do that in my entire life. Just ask my mom. I’ve tried pills (all-natural, over the counter and prescription), sleep masks, ear plugs, black out shades, noise machines … my body just rejects it for anything more than an hour or two at a time. And ironically it’s one of my favorite things in the whole, wide world. (sigh)

* * * * * * * * * *

What about YOU?

What are YOUR deficiencies?

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

 




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Pulling teeth. And I’m not talking about my own kids. I’ve put my fingers in more mouths than I care to admit. And I’ve successfully extracted a dangling but stubborn tooth from a frightened kid every time. Some folks call me … the tooth whisperer. (Seriously, I want a cape.)

Making grilled cheese sandwiches. It was the first thing I learned how to cook as a kid. My gift was recognized immediately so I was quickly promoted to head chef in my family when we made them for dinner. Sadly, poor cookware and a smoke alarm installed entirely too close to my oven have created far too perfect a storm for me these days. And three fire house visits (by dudes who all could have jumped directly from the firemen’s calendar, by the way) are enough for me. I’ve hung up my spatula until we move to a new house.

My Mary Tyler Moore impression. It’s only a few words, but I’ve been told it’s pretty darn good. And I owe it all to hours of classic (The Mary Tyler Moore Show) and super classic (The Dick Van Dyke Show) TV shows with my mom and dad.

Flat ironing hair. Well, duh, if I’m anal about it, I’m also probably good at it. It’s actually the only thing Vivien will allow me to do to her hair.

Folding t-shirts. Thanks to years of experience acquired from my job at Limited Express. We actually used a clipboard to ensure that every shirt was folded the exact same size back then. Now I can do it free form. Because I’m just that good.

Remembering numbers. “Hey, Michele. What’s my license number again?”“Do you know your checking account and routing numbers?”“Do you remember your childhood phone number?”“Does anyone know the customer service number for Cox Cable?” Yep. I can answer all of these (and lots of others) off the top of my head. Which has often earned me mouth-dropped looks like I’m Raymond Babbitt. I guess this is where my son  …. who we called Rain Man as a toddler … gets it. Three minutes to Wapner …

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What about YOU?

What are your freakish talents?

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory



{June 22, 2014}   TWENTY Pictures from the Play

Alas, another summer play is behind us. Am I proud? relieved? sad? Yes. To all three. As I’ve learned from the many shows I’ve done since I was Vivien’s age, you truly form a bond with people you see and get silly with every single day. So much so that you feel a void when these people are taken from your daily routine by something as simple as a final curtain. And, personally, I’ll never be able to hear the word “twerk” again without thinking of this show. (It’s a private joke. Don’t worry, Mom. I never twerked in this production.)

So did I take any pictures? Well, what do you think? I just wish I’d gotten to everyone in the cast. Unfortunately, I was limited to the moments I was offstage and actually had a camera handy.

To the cast and crew of All Shook Up, thanks for giving my girl and me a great summer. We’ll be thinking about all of you when we visit Graceland next month. Can’t wait ’til next year!

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Me and my best girl. Yes, she’s as tall as me now. I should’ve sprung for the platform blue suedes.

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With two of Viv’s best pals. What was I thinking taking such a close-up shot with three, fresh-faced 12-year-olds? (Next time, background, Michele. Background.)

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Fine. I’ll remove myself from this one. Because what’s better than three sweet young girls doing the old school Charlie’s Angels thing?

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How about three sweet young boys? Dressed as church ladies?

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And speaking of which … old lady selfies. Because I might not get that chance again for (cough) fifty years.

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We just couldn’t take enough old lady pictures.

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Getting our crotchety on right before the big number.

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The guy who could do everything from channel Elvis to fix a wedding dress. And I should probably mention he was also one of our two directors.

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Only six of the one hundred forty-four blue suede shoes in the show.

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So glad this lady did the show with me.

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Dressing room selfie. Anyone remember B*tchy Resting Face? (Is it weird that I censored that word given my blog name? Probably.)

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Me and “the Mechanic’s Daddy.”

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The bus. Oh, dear God, the bus. Good times, Mitzi.

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The last night of the show a gang? gaggle? hunka-hunka-herd of Rolling Elvi stopped by to wish us luck. Naturally, I had to get a picture.

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This shot might be my favorite. We just love it when that happens.

Until we meet again in Memphis, Elvis.

* * * * * * * * * *

Wanna read my other posts about All Shook Up?

11 Tips on Doing a Play With Your Kid
12  of My Favorite Elvis Songs
5 Things You Need to be a Church Lady

* * * * * * * * * *

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

 

 




My mom is awesome. Most of you already know that. And she really needs her own blog. But, until then, you’ll have to settle for her too-few-and-far-between guest posts right here at ODNT. (Remember her last one about being a grandmother at Viv’s dance recital?) She knows that (with the play, my freelance work and life in general) I’m struggling to adhere to this 30 days of Blog Posts by Number Game. So she’s pitching in.

Seriously, is there any limit to what this woman will do for me?

Anyway, she sent me this little gem recently. She created it on her phone while waiting at the doctor’s office. Ingenuity at its finest. Enjoy.

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1. The man next to me is coughing, sneezing and (I think) coming on to me. Lech.

2. My magazine is from December 2013.

3. The other magazines are all being held by people sicker than I. (I have now ditched my magazine.)

4. A lady who arrived after me is going before me.

5. The seats are too close together.

6. I think I hear the doctor coughing and sneezing.

7. For the past 15 minutes, no one has been called in.

8. It’s noon. Is the doctor having a lunch break?

9. My stomach just growled. A couple of people looked at me, so I turned and gestured at the lech next to me.

10. Thirty minutes later, the lech and I are the only ones left in the waiting room.

11. I pretend to want a magazine on a table across the room. I, of course, will not touch the magazine but just pretend to be interested with the cover as I bend over to stare at it.

12. An elderly man exits from the doctor’s inner office and heads to the lech, who evidently is not himself the patient but just a chauffeur.

13. The lech tells me to have a good day as he holds the door for the old man. I hold up my hand. (I have no idea how that translated with him or why I did it.)

14. I am now alone. And hungry. And I need to use the bathroom. Just as I reach for the key to the john, I am called.

Thanks, Gigi. I mean Mom.

You’re welcome back here anytime. Love you.

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

 

 




I’m finishing up another show with my girl. What a great experience it’s been for both of us. Of course, there are always things upon which I could improve. So, like last year, I’ve taken the liberty of keeping a list of helpful hints for the next time she and I take the stage together.

For the record, Viv … I can’t wait.

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1. At my age, there’s a very fine line between stage makeup and the drag queen effect. I’m pretty sure I crossed it at least half the nights. Oh, how I fear the performance video. In a I’ve-just-seen-Psycho-and-I-now-need-to-take-a-shower kind of way.

2. And while I’m on the subject of make-up, I wish the gifted engineers who make lip stain would share their secret with the incompetent boobs who make nail polish. Every night when I get home, I need to rub that shi- … (wait! kids from the show might be reading this) stuff off with industrial sandpaper.

3. There are a GREAT many things on the list of foods I can’t eat before a show. Among them so far … jambalaya, shrimp, chowder, lasagna, cannelloni, Mexican food, a shi- (dang it! … the kids) boatload of cheese. Only Tic Tacs agree with me in those valuable hours leading up to a performance. (How have I not lost weight during this show???)

4. If there are moments in the show where you are suddenly expected to freeze in an expressive position so as not to draw attention from a spotlighted soloist, do not freeze with your mouth open while facing downward. Gravity + saliva = your worst enemies.

5. When going to the bathroom during the show in costume, always check when you’re done to see if the back of your skirt is tucked into your scuba suit of undergarments. I cannot stress this enough.

6. And while we’re on THAT subject, a heavy sweater over another sweater over a dress over a leotard … in New Orleans … in June? Well, there’s simply not enough deodorant in the world.

7. Making young people laugh and break character on stage is easier than one would think. (Oops.)

8. Take every opportunity you can to pee. (See #5) You never know when the urge is going to hit and it’s the last thing you need distracting you on stage. And know that even something as benign as a smoothie for dinner can be trouble (per #3) as it will result in a record-setting night for bathroom visitations. My personal best for the 2.5 hour show is 14. I should probably see a doctor about that.

9. Blue suede shoes are a surprisingly uncomfortable and unsupportive choice in footwear. I’m thinking that THIS had something to do with all the flailing Elvis exhibited back in the day. Think about it. Fat Elvis dumped the shoes for a jumpsuit and did you ever see him flail again? No. Because his feet were finally happy. Of course, I think this is when the whole arm windmill thing started. And THAT was probably because his bedazzled pajamas were too tight.

10. It is astonishingly difficult to hang on to a slippery bible while dancing and wearing old lady church gloves. Next time you run into one of these feisty women, I suggest challenging her to a thumb war. And be prepared to have your butt kicked. (Whew, I almost said ass. Then I remembered the kids. Nice save, Michele.)

11. If you leave your phone unattended in a room full or teen/tweens, you can and should expect changed ringtones … new screen savers … and entire photo albums of these.

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I love these kids. Every one of them. For realz, yo. (Can I pull that off? Too late.)

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory




Yesterday, I wrote about some the bigger things we’ve done so far this summer. So guess what? Today, I’m writing about some of the bigger things we’ve got left to do this summer. I’m so damned predictable. I’ve always been that way. People tell me they can just look at me and know that I’m going to …..

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Tell the truth. There’s NO WAY you expected a picture of a baby chicken.

* * * * * * * * * *

And with that unpredictability, I give you …

The Seven Things (That I Can Think Of)

We Have Yet To Do This Summer

1. Creative Writing Camp. Also known as the Aww-Mom-do-I-HAVE-to? of summer camps. But it’s only half days for one week. So I expect a novel by Friday. (exasperatedly rolling eyes) Fine. Or a novella.

2. Independence Day. Like every year, we have party or two on the calendar. In addition this year, we’ve been assured that Dean will have to work a shift at the pool club. And we’re still snickering about it. “Sorry we can’t make it. Dean can’t get off work.”

3. Cruise to Mexico. Complete with sailing, snorkeling, beach partying and Mayan Ruins-ing. (I’m still testing out that last word. We’ll see.) And did I mention that there’s bottomless ice cream on the ship? And bottomless lobster, bottomless cake and bottomless just-about-everything. Yay! (backtracking nervously) Great. Now I’ve made my family vacation sound dirty.

4. Dentist appointments. Between the tooth sanders, the lead aprons and the funky strawberry fluoride rinse, this event is poised to be the highlight of the summer.

5. Summer reading and math packets. Oh, wait. I forgot about summer homework. Screw the dental visits. THIS will be the highlight of the summer.

6. Tampa Baseball Game. The boys are headed to a Rays game in July. (Quick. I need a baseball joke. I NEED A BASEBALL JOKE! Wait, how about this one?)

7. Memphis Pilgrimage. While the boys are at the Rays game, the girls (plus my mom) are headed to Memphis to see … you guessed it … Graceland! Because All Shook Up has created Hunka-Hunka-Elvis fever in my house. Plus, you know, I hear they’ve got ducks marching through hotel lobbies up there.

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

 




It’s only two weeks into June and we’ve already done quite a bit around here. Because, when it comes to summertime, we like to hit the ground running. Unfortunately, we’re not usually wearing the proper footwear … and nobody bothers to stretch first …. and don’t even get me started on getting everyone to remember to stay hydrated!

But I digress …

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1. A school trip to San Antonio. Unfortunately, Dean’s cell service was iffy the whole time. Or so he says.

2. A dance recital. Complete with all the fixings.

3. Volleyball camp. Viv’s favorite day was when she got to dress up. As Halloween. No, I don’t know what that means either.

4. Church camp. My kids were actually counselors. MY kids. My BABIES! How is that even possible?

5. A full-scale musical production of All Shook Up. We still have four shows left. I plan toI hope to … I plan to write all about it. Damn it. Did I just commit myself to that post?

6. Basketball camp. Bet y’all think it was for Dean, huh? I don’t know where that girl gets it from. Or, well, I know it’s not me.

7. A Christmas writing gig. Because you’ve got to start early on these seasonal publications. It’s one of my big freelance projects for June. So we’re baking Santa cookies, making reindeer food and trying out new wrapping ideas all month at my house. Which is a little weird. Which is completely normal.

8. Strep Throat. Thankfully, we kicked its ass quickly. Plus  it only managed to hobble one of us temporarily. Seriously, he had a fever of 103. (I just totally sang that in my head.) (Copyright: Foreigner) (I almost said Rod Stewart. Which would make me an idiot.)

9. Four Doctor Visits. Is there anything funny to say here? Gosh, I don’t know. Is there ever anything funny to say about doctor visits?

10. A summer job as a pool boy. Before the jokes start, know that he’s busing tables, sweeping up trash and checking people in. Which means he’s making some of his own money. Which means I’ll be borrowing from him now.  “It’s the cirrrrrrcle of liiiiiiiiiife ……..”

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Wait. He’s cleaning?!!? I’m sorry. That’s not Dean. It just couldn’t be. (rubbing eyes in disbelief) Could it?

What’s left for summer 2014? Well, a good bit actually. Maybe I’ll write about that later. But, until then, let’s talk about YOU for a while.

What have YOU done so far this summer?

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory




Admit it. You’ve got valuable square foot in your fridge being taken up by crap that you can’t even eat. I didn’t realize until recently just how many “innovative” kitchen gadgets and other assorted pieces of useless garbage had been cluttering mine. So, naturally, I took it upon myself to remove all of these items one by one, photograph them, write about them on the internet and then shove them all back inside the appliance.

Because it’s what any sane person would do.

And with that, I give you …

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1. Assorted cold packs. Because they’re great for treating things like headaches, sore forearms and circumcised toes.

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2. Chilled beer mugs. Because only peasants drink out of the bottle. P.S. I am a peasant. These belong to Dave.

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3. Vivien’s new Williams Sonoma ice cream maker. Because she loves ice cream. My jury is still out on this one.

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4. Dave’s Slushy Magic. Because he loves slushy stuff. My jury is not still out on this one. We reached a verdict: Crap.

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5. Dave’s Chillsner. (Or was it the Beersicle? I can’t remember.) Because it was billed the “perfect Christmas gift” last year. Unfortunately, remember #2. Dave doesn’t drink out of the bottle. Stupid me.

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6. Vivien’s first communion wreath. Because … I have no joke here. Well, except for the fact that it’s more than four years old. (cough)hoarder!(cough)

20140616-101222-36742995.jpg7. Vivien’s snow … I mean ice … (Fine!) I mean SNOWball. Because Vivien made a ball of dirty ice (the size of a healthy cantaloupe, mind you) during the much anticipated snow threat we had earlier this year. And she just won’t let me throw it out.

20140616-100913-36553719.jpg 8. Suppositories. Because sometimes … hey, shut up! 20140616-101224-36744933.jpg

What about YOU?

Got anything weird in your fridge?

(Serial killers need not respond.)

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June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory



et cetera
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