OldDogNewTits












It’s been a crazy week. As in crazy, out-of-the-ordinary stuff keeps happening. I’m not a superstitious person … to a fault my friend, Carrie, might say when I taunted the plane we took to Las Vegas. I’m not an astrological person … to the extent that my only real knowledge of astrology comes from the musical theater production of Hair. All I know is that there’s some weird ju-ju going on in ODNT-ville these days as a lot of truly weird stuff has crossed my path. I culled it down to eleven examples. (Yes, eleven. An homage to my Spinal Tap-loving friends.) And remember, by reading this post, you’re very likely going to catch my weirdness aura … so reader beware!

(1) Vanessa and I awakened a sleeping motorist.

We spotted him driving (I mean, snoozing) through a residential neighborhood as his car slowly started to drift into our lane. As we approached the four-way stop directly adjacent to our children’s school, Vanessa laid on the horn and the two of started screamed out the window until Rip Van Winkle opened his eyes and took control of his old Buick Regal. Yes, he was elderly. Yes, he was wearing an old man bucket hat. And yes, his hands were higher on the steering wheel than his head. Would someone please take his license away?

(2) I attended Hispanic Appreciation Day at my local bank.

No, I am not in the least bit Hispanic. And yet I still found this display of cliché Mexicana offensive. Or at least borderline offensive. Oh, yeah … and damned funny. I felt like I was on an envelope-pushing episode of 30 Rock. Although I guess I should be saying Chico & the Man. Or Dora! I can’t wait for next year. I’m so wearing a pancho.

20120930-122641.jpg

20120930-122651.jpg

20120930-122657.jpg

(3) I saw a grown man running through the grocery story with no shoes on, yelling at his “mama.”

She stayed back in line to pay after he fled the store with her keys, laughing and screaming. (I should probably be saying hollerin’.) Then, as she was leaving the store, she carried on a full, heated conversation with him, returning all of his back talk. And I’ll remind you that he was already far away, outside in the parking lot. I watched the whole thing with my mouth open. Those Honey Boo Boo people “ain’t got nothing” on these two. (Did I say that right?)

(4) An 18-wheeler jack-knifed into a crumpled mess under the overpass three blocks from my house.

As you can imagine, it was a scary sight to see. Amazingly, I managed to distract my kids from most of it by handing them my phone activated to the SongPop app. I’m not sure I should be proud of that quick thinking or concerned that my kids were so easily distracted from even seeing the mangled Mack truck a mere ten feet outside of the car window.

(5) I exchanged tweets with Christopher Atkins.

Remember the cute naked guy from Blue Lagoon? Well, I wrote a book about him. It’s actually a little flipbook about all my celebrity crushes. Then, I tweeted all of them about it. Or at least the ones who are still alive. And he was the only one who responded. So, he’s my new favorite. I’ll bet he’s so excited about this book!

20120930-124553.jpg

(6) A glass bottle of club soda exploded overnight in my refrigerator.

Yes, I said refrigerator, not freezer. I guess the top shelf of my fridge is set too cold because it somehow managed to freeze up. (Although I don’t see the eggs complaining.) So it exploded into one thousand (okay, fine … one HUNDRED) pieces. And, should you ever find yourself in the same enviable position, remember that glass shards are very easy to confuse with frozen chunks of club soda. Sift with caution!

(7) I called 911 about an abandoned truck in the middle of the interstate during a torrential downpour.

It only had three tires so it was leaning front left. And there was no sign of exploded rubber anywhere. Perhaps it burst into so many pieces that they were invisible to the naked eye. What is WITH me and explosions lately?

(8) I witnessed a pet store trying to pass off a rabbit as a ferret.

I don’t know about you but I’d be pretty upset if I spent $139.99 on this red-eyed leporid (look it up, it means rabbit) thinking I was bringing home a smelly ferret. I’m picturing PETCO employees, Bill & Ted, having the following  conversation. “No way, dude. Just put the little guy in the cage. (To the rabbit) Okay, little dude. Can you tuck your ears down? Excellent! Now, don’t jump.” 

20120930-125144.jpg

(9) I smacked my skull with great force on the underside of my son’s bunk bed.

For the record, it is an excellent way to wake yourself up in the morning. But the cartoon bluebirds flying around your head are sure to slow you down as you try to pack the kids lunches and drive them to school. Plus, my memory now goes only as far back as age 20. What does ODNT stand for again, you guys?

(10) I shopped in a cute local boutique and left with my new favorite piece of jewelry, for only $13.

My friend was the one doing the shopping. I was surveying the impulse purchases at the register when I saw a box of vintage-looking rings with different birth stones. I fell in love with them immediately so I summoned the salesgirl. “They’re called poison rings,” she said. “Like in Snow White.” Now I ask you, could YOU have passed that up? I am only human, after all. So, I left the store with my beautiful new poison ring.  My girl says I can now compete in the Hunger Games. I don’t know. I have no intention of using it to kill anyone. But I’ll bet it could hold a drop of sleeping aid or a truth serum.  Ooh, or maybe a laxative.

(11) I watched a hamster drive a car. In real life.

Yep, Herve’s got a new set of wheels. And, boy, did we have fun watching him use it. (Yes, it was a Saturday night. Jealous?) To quote my parents, he looks like a drunk driver operating this thing. I assume he wasn’t but, of course, I can’t be sure. Here. See for yourself …

Did anybody else have a weird week? What’s the weirdest thing that’s happened to you lately?

20120407-223706.jpg

About these ads



For most of you, last weekend was merely the Easter holidays. In my household, however, we also celebrated another big event – the premiere of a new iCarly episode. They’re like red carpet affairs around here and my kids wouldn’t dream of missing one. Fortunately for them, I actually like iCarly. It’s clever and pop-cultured for my generation. And don’t even get me started on Spencer. The man slays me. So, in addition to our usual Easter Eve traditions, my family also took in this new episode, featuring the latest and greatest teen sensation, One Direction.

Later that same night, they were on TV a second time as the SNL musical guest. They’re just starting to take off in America and I’ve decided to excuse the fact that they’re classified as a boy band because their British/Irish accents are so cute. I suspect we’ll be seeing them covering bedroom walls everywhere very soon. (I miss Tiger Beat.)

Anyway, it made me start thinking about all of the famous faces I’ve fallen for over the years. Some names have stood the test of time while others … well, I’ll let my teenage bedroom walls do the talking.
20120411-132154.jpg

What can I say? My parents were obviously very cool.

20120411-132149.jpg

So, at the expense of my dignity, I’m sharing a sometimes-embarrassing-but-always-honest glimpse at some of my favorites over the years. Please enjoy laughing at my childhood.

Donny Osmond (1976-79) And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Shaun Cassidy (1977-78) Okay, I’m a little ashamed.

Christopher Reeve (1978-1983) Who doesn’t love SUPERman?

Greg Evigan (1979-81) He worked with a chimp. What was not to like?

John Schneider (1979-82) Don’t judge. He was the style at the time.

Christopher Atkins (1980) Remember the naked guy from Blue Lagoon?

Rick Springfield (1981-85) For his music and the General Hospital thing. Truth be told, I just saw him again in concert in 2008. Oh, and in 2009 & 2010.

Maxwell Caulfield (1982) Remember the British guy from Grease 2? Yeah, me neither. When I learned he was married to an actress who was 18 years his senior, I moved on. He was 23 and she was 41. I guess Demi isn’t quite the pioneer she’s credited to be.

John Stamos (1982-83+) As long as I was already watching General Hospital, right? And he’s actually one of the few who still hangs on for me today. He’s just so pretty.

Adam Ant (1982-84) I loved his two big albums of the early 80s and some of the earlier Antmusic stuff. Alas, I never got to see him in concert when he came to New Orleans. I had a ticket to the show but was punished (for a sizable infraction, I might add) that very night. Fortunately, I somehow managed to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

Duran Duran (1982-85) All five of ‘em. I once won a contest for being able to rattle off the names Simon Le Bon, Nick Rhodes and the Taylors (Andy, Roger & John) in rapid succession. None of the Taylor boys are related. You know these things if you’re a real D2 fan.

Rob Lowe & C. Thomas Howell (1983) I saw The Outsiders four times at the movie theater. And with prices averaging $3.15 per ticket that year, that means I spent more than $12 on that one film! I can still recite from memory every word of the Robert Frost poem used in the movie. But I honestly never saw the allure of the other five guys. I don’t think they did much of anything else after that anyway, right? (Wink.)

Bart Conner & Mitch Gaylord (1984) What? I had Olympic fever. I think it was very patriotic of me.

Kevin Bacon (1984) But only in Footloose.

David Lee Roth (1985-87) From VH’s Jump to his own Just A Gigolo. I have no idea why. Please forgive me.

Davy Jones (1986-87) Thanks to MTV’s decision to air his old series. I loved these guys and even managed to see them in concert on a few reunion tours. (ODNT Trivia – They played, ironically, at the Audubon Zoo here in NOLA back in the day and one lucky girl got to kiss him for a photo. Guess who? Don’t tell my Dad!)

Harry Connick, Jr. (1990-93+) An amazing New Orleans talent who actually ran in similar circles to mine in high school. I listened to his music a lot back then and even used it at my wedding. And I loved his stint as ‘Leo’ on Will & Grace. He still hangs on for me today, too.

Johnny Depp (1993+) I’m not even going to put an end date here as he’s stayed at the top of the list. He didn’t catch my attention in Elm Street or Jump Street. But once he appeared in the back-to-back films Benny & Joon and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape I was sold. And I’m still buying nearly 20 years later.

Brad Pitt (1998) But only in Meet Joe Black (which oddly I never even saw in its entirety). Although all of his post-Katrina New Orleans work has put him back on the list in recent years.

Ewan McGregor (2001-2003) His song and dance stuff like Moulin Rouge & Down with Love are what put him on the list.

Orlando Bloom (2003-2007) But only in the Pirates movies. He’s Johnny Depp, Jr.

Sportacus (2004) From the God-awful children’s show, LazyTown. Not the (Icelandic) actor, the character. Make of that whatever you want.

Hugh Jackman (2004+) And, oddly, it all began with his unpredictable turn to play Peter Allen in the Broadway production of The Boy from Oz. What can I say? I love a song and dance man. Apparently, even a flamboyantly bedazzled one.

Patrick Dempsey (2007) But only in Enchanted.

Zac Efron (2007) He’s the new Rob Lowe.

Will Arnett (2009) It wasn’t until after Arrested Development ended that I learned to really appreciate this guy. Sorry, GOB.

Robert Downey, Jr. (2009) Honestly, he’s probably been on and off the list for years, but I’ve only recently started to admit it.

Bret McKenzie (2009+) The cuter half of Flight of the Conchords.

Robert Pattinson (2009) When my friend dragged me unwillingly to see New Moon. Fine, whatever. I’m Team Edward.

Josh Duhamel (2010) Starting with Ramona & Beezus. And my girl wonders why I’m willing to watch that movie again and again with her.

Flynn Rider (2010) From Tangled. What? Is it THAT weird that I’m including a cartoon character? You know what? Don’t answer that.

John Gordon Levitt (2011+) Based purely on his likable character in 50/50.

Wow. You’re still here? Well, if you actually made it through MY whole list, I want to know about YOU. Who was on YOUR walls? Boys can play, too.

* * * * * * * * * *

Wanna see this post in dreamy Tiger Beat technicolor? Click here, ODNT readers!

20120407-223706.jpg

20120801-121224.jpg



et cetera
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 6,745 other followers