The beginning of the year is always a good time to look for a part-time job to earn a little extra cheese. And, time and again, Craigslist.com has proven to be a very reliable resource, offering an endless stream of colorful opportunities for enterprising, young go-getters … or, you know, me. Recently, I came across three such opportunities for employment. Here they are, in no particular order, for your perusal. (And don’t any of you go getting any ideas to snake my job ops. Uncool.)
Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?
Why take ONE job when I can triple-dip and take ALL of them?!!? I can make three times the money … or Frito-Lay products, cat food or whatever currency in which they’re paying me.
So here’s the plan. I need to go live on the cat farm and coach the little suckers (Relax, I said suckers … with an “S’) in the ancient arts of mime and clairvoyance. If I can get a few of the cats to simulate a tug-of-war match or walking against the wind while a few others read tea leaves, I should be able to make enough money to carry my family until summer. Of course, if I could get just one to utter “I see dead people” from inside an invisible box in which he’s trapped, I should be able to put both of my kids through college. And possibly some of yours.
You know what? I need to go. I see a cash cow in the making. I need to get a jump on this thing before someone else beats me to the punch on this whole cat version of Marcel-Marceau-meets-Uri-Geller. (starting to panic) Where the hell is Milo?!!? He can be my first pupil. Milo, MIIIIIIILLLLLOOOO! Here kitty, kitty, kitty….
Seriously, he is SO jazzed about his 15 minutes. (It’s actually about two hours in cat years.) Here he is … already mastering the skill of MIMING LEVITATION. I am gonna be soooo freakin’ rich, you guys.
When we last checked in with the ODNT Job Search, we were talking about very specialized housekeepers. The position looked great. It was part-time and the compensation was “expereinced.” (I’m not sure if that means the same thing as “experienced” but I’m confused either way.) Still, you guys have me convinced that I’m not qualified for this position. So I guess we’ll keep looking, right?
I found another job opportunity on Craig’s List this morning. I didn’t get a chance to read it in its entirety but it sounded interesting so I thought we could examine it together line by line and you could tell me what you think.
Here’s the ad.
Four female magician’s assistants needed for regular shows in private club.
- Well, I’m a female so that’s a great start. Plus they want FOUR of us. So my chances are quadrupled. And I like the words “regular” and “private.” Sounds stable and fancy.
Four nights per week. (Thurs-Sun) Two shows per night. (45 minutes each)
- Okay. So, that’s the “regular” they’re talking about. Cool. Consistency is good in a job.
Must be 5’7″ to 5’11” tall (barefoot height) and tattoo free.
- This sounds like a clear cut case of heightism to me. With a very straightened spine and slightly teased hair, I’m about 5’4″ in my bare feet so this could be a problem. On the plus side, I AM tattoo free. (I know. I just disappointed a number of you.)
Must have minimal costume limitations and finales for both shows will be performed at least topless.
- “Minimal costume limitations” … okey-dokey. “Finales for both shows will be performed at least” … WHAT? I draw the line at being “at least topless” for BOTH shows. What’s the old expression … Always Leave Them Wanting More? I have to say no here. Where’s the showmanship in this act? Oh, and I’m not a stripper. So, there’s that, too.
All costuming supplied.
- Now, that just doesn’t even make sense. Except that I guess that’s where the “at least” comes in. Plus, apparently, this “costuming” is worn until the finale. That’s when they send the kids out of the room.
Pays $2500 per week with possible 25-50% bonus. Six month contract minimum.
- Now, why can’t this blogging gig pay that kind of cheese? And, yes, I sincerely meant cheese. Damn it.
Guess it’s back to the old drawing board, you guys.
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HAVE A JOB FOR ME?
Email me at email@example.com … before I’m forced to wear a Princess Leia bikini and be transformed into a White Bengal Tiger in Vegas.
When we last checked in with the ODNT Job Search, we were talking about if I had what it takes to join the crackerjack team over at Xtreme Cleaners, a highly specialized crime scene and biohazard clean-up company. The answer? A resounding, yelled-by-Sam-Kinison-across-the-Grand-Canyon NO! Frankly, I’m proud of me for having the gumption (and stomach) to view the YouTube clips and email the guy at all. I still say the Xtreme training would’ve been fun. Which, I concede, makes me very, very weird.
So anyway … with dreams of gut-scrubbing grandeur behind us, my friend, Vanessa, and I turned back to Craig’s List for more of this entertainment (cough, sputter), I mean, torture. And we might have found another one. Again, it involves cleaning but at least it’s not like I’d be removing testicles from chandeliers or anything like that.
Still, I’m just not sure I’m qualified.
What do you think of my chances, you guys?!!?
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HAVE A JOB FOR ME?
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org … before I’m forced to start price shopping androgynous French Maid costumes.
With my kids getting older, I find myself joining the ranks of other SAHMs who are jumping back into the workforce. Or rather wading in slowly to test the waters. That’s definitely more me. I’ve never been one to cannonball into a swimming pool. It’s just too damned cold. Plus, I don’t want to get my hair wet.
So I write.
I’ve actually been writing independently since before I became a mom but it’s taken a backseat to my kids. (And by “back seat,” I mean I was towing it in a ramshackle trailer behind the car.) I’ve written for newspapers, magazines and websites but, not surprisingly, I’m happiest when writing for myself. So I’m starting to look around a bit to see what’s out there. Personal fulfillment. Money. An answer to the question “So, what do YOU do?” from the condescending girl I keep running into at the grocery store. They’re all good reasons for me to get back on the horse. Right?
But I’m not alone.
My friend, Vanessa, and I are both keeping our eyes open. And Craig’s List is definitely one of our favorite resources. Not so much because we expect it to lead to genuine employment but because there’s so much free entertainment available to you on a regular basis. So much so that (do you know what’s coming?) I’ve decided to make a series out of it.
“The ODNT Job Search – Somebody’s Gotta Do It.”
I’m kicking myself for not screen capturing this ad when I saw it recently. I still have the link for it but, according to Craig’s List, the “posting has been deleted by its author.” I have no idea why. But the whole thing is so crazy and confidential that maybe they just can’t leave it up there. Because Xtreme Cleaners deals with crime scene clean-up. (Click the link above for more information.) The posting I saw was seeking trainees for their very delicate and specialized work. And, naturally, I replied to the ad, which spawned the following correspondence.
Dear Xtreme Cleaners
I’m just writing to see if this position (or positions) is still available. Any further information you have would be greatly appreciated.
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The crime scene clean up tech position is still available. Please send me a resume, and a letter of interest on why you want to do this and what skills you bring to the position. You will be required to attend mandatory training Aug 25-26 (Sat 9-5) (Sun 12-5), in Gonzales LA.
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Dear Xtreme Cleaners,
Awesome! Just curious. It is only one position? Because I have a friend who wants to come with me.
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No. We need 5-6 people in the NOLA area to be trained and ready to go. So if you have others, please have them reach out to me.
I copied Vanessa on all of the emails and … believe it or not … because of the human interest aspect of it as well as the necessarily decent pay scale, we started doing a little research.
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Phase One of our temporary descent into madness: Fantasy
“We could be just like Amy Adams and Emily Blunt in Sunshine Cleaning!” said Vanessa.
“Just think of the stories we could tell!” said me.
Plus we couldn’t think of anything in our closets that we’d be okay with soiling with blood and other assorted body goo … so there’d be shopping involved!
Phase Two of our temporary descent into madness: Reality
Vanessa immediately turned to YouTube and found the following video (among many, MANY others). Warning: We both found it interesting and gross. Just remember that this footage is completely real. Don’t watch it if you’re not ready for it.
Needless to say, I did NOT respond to the last email I received from Xtreme Cleaners. In truth, if the training hadn’t taken place an hour away over the course of an entire (already busy) weekend, I might have considered attending (only) that. It would make for pretty awesome blogfodder. Plus you never know when it might come in handy to be well trained in covering your tracks.
HAVE A JOB FOR ME?
Email me at email@example.com … before I’m forced to start sponging people’s brains off their bookshelves.