OldDogNewTits












Dear Nickelodeon,

Re: Programming Department 

My kids have been big fans of your work for years. And, if you promise not to tell, I’ll even admit that I love Drake & Josh and iCarly and (cough) can quote the characters as well as any kid out there. Lately, my daughter and I have been watching old episodes of Full House together. She watches it like it’s brand new and I watch it for the nostalgia. Yes, I know. That’s the whole point, right? Anyway, kudos on the decision to air a show my ten-year-old can watch (excitedly) in lieu of so much of the other reality trash being aired simultaneously on the competing networks. It’s a good feeling to know that I can pop in and out of the room when needed and she won’t be exposed to anything inappropriate.

Re: Advertising Department

Someone in your department needs to be fired. Or at least have his XBox privileges taken away for a week. Picture it … my ten-year-old daughter and I are curled up on the sofa enjoying the wholesome, 80s, Olsen-ness of Full House together. Then the show cuts to a series of commercials … running shoes, Flo from Progressive, Cox Communications … and then this one:  

As soon as it began playing, my daughter screamed in fear and pulled the throw blanket over her head. While I was frantically grabbing for the remote trying to find the stupid mute button. And then, at the next break, it all aired AGAIN! Which prompts me to ask you two questions:

  1. What the (BLEEP! See how easy censoring can be) were you thinking?!!?

  2. May I have your department head’s home number so that I may call him/her at 2am tonight when my daughter wakes up traumatized by the terrifying images she saw on your network?

Re: My Reply from You

Please do not ignore my email. I am posting this entire letter on my blog (http://olddognewtits.com) and am sure that everyone who reads it will want to hear your explanation just as much as I do.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Michele R. Poche

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For most of you, last weekend was merely the Easter holidays. In my household, however, we also celebrated another big event – the premiere of a new iCarly episode. They’re like red carpet affairs around here and my kids wouldn’t dream of missing one. Fortunately for them, I actually like iCarly. It’s clever and pop-cultured for my generation. And don’t even get me started on Spencer. The man slays me. So, in addition to our usual Easter Eve traditions, my family also took in this new episode, featuring the latest and greatest teen sensation, One Direction.

Later that same night, they were on TV a second time as the SNL musical guest. They’re just starting to take off in America and I’ve decided to excuse the fact that they’re classified as a boy band because their British/Irish accents are so cute. I suspect we’ll be seeing them covering bedroom walls everywhere very soon. (I miss Tiger Beat.)

Anyway, it made me start thinking about all of the famous faces I’ve fallen for over the years. Some names have stood the test of time while others … well, I’ll let my teenage bedroom walls do the talking.
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What can I say? My parents were obviously very cool.

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So, at the expense of my dignity, I’m sharing a sometimes-embarrassing-but-always-honest glimpse at some of my favorites over the years. Please enjoy laughing at my childhood.

Donny Osmond (1976-79) And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Shaun Cassidy (1977-78) Okay, I’m a little ashamed.

Christopher Reeve (1978-1983) Who doesn’t love SUPERman?

Greg Evigan (1979-81) He worked with a chimp. What was not to like?

John Schneider (1979-82) Don’t judge. He was the style at the time.

Christopher Atkins (1980) Remember the naked guy from Blue Lagoon?

Rick Springfield (1981-85) For his music and the General Hospital thing. Truth be told, I just saw him again in concert in 2008. Oh, and in 2009 & 2010.

Maxwell Caulfield (1982) Remember the British guy from Grease 2? Yeah, me neither. When I learned he was married to an actress who was 18 years his senior, I moved on. He was 23 and she was 41. I guess Demi isn’t quite the pioneer she’s credited to be.

John Stamos (1982-83+) As long as I was already watching General Hospital, right? And he’s actually one of the few who still hangs on for me today. He’s just so pretty.

Adam Ant (1982-84) I loved his two big albums of the early 80s and some of the earlier Antmusic stuff. Alas, I never got to see him in concert when he came to New Orleans. I had a ticket to the show but was punished (for a sizable infraction, I might add) that very night. Fortunately, I somehow managed to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

Duran Duran (1982-85) All five of ‘em. I once won a contest for being able to rattle off the names Simon Le Bon, Nick Rhodes and the Taylors (Andy, Roger & John) in rapid succession. None of the Taylor boys are related. You know these things if you’re a real D2 fan.

Rob Lowe & C. Thomas Howell (1983) I saw The Outsiders four times at the movie theater. And with prices averaging $3.15 per ticket that year, that means I spent more than $12 on that one film! I can still recite from memory every word of the Robert Frost poem used in the movie. But I honestly never saw the allure of the other five guys. I don’t think they did much of anything else after that anyway, right? (Wink.)

Bart Conner & Mitch Gaylord (1984) What? I had Olympic fever. I think it was very patriotic of me.

Kevin Bacon (1984) But only in Footloose.

David Lee Roth (1985-87) From VH’s Jump to his own Just A Gigolo. I have no idea why. Please forgive me.

Davy Jones (1986-87) Thanks to MTV’s decision to air his old series. I loved these guys and even managed to see them in concert on a few reunion tours. (ODNT Trivia – They played, ironically, at the Audubon Zoo here in NOLA back in the day and one lucky girl got to kiss him for a photo. Guess who? Don’t tell my Dad!)

Harry Connick, Jr. (1990-93+) An amazing New Orleans talent who actually ran in similar circles to mine in high school. I listened to his music a lot back then and even used it at my wedding. And I loved his stint as ‘Leo’ on Will & Grace. He still hangs on for me today, too.

Johnny Depp (1993+) I’m not even going to put an end date here as he’s stayed at the top of the list. He didn’t catch my attention in Elm Street or Jump Street. But once he appeared in the back-to-back films Benny & Joon and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape I was sold. And I’m still buying nearly 20 years later.

Brad Pitt (1998) But only in Meet Joe Black (which oddly I never even saw in its entirety). Although all of his post-Katrina New Orleans work has put him back on the list in recent years.

Ewan McGregor (2001-2003) His song and dance stuff like Moulin Rouge & Down with Love are what put him on the list.

Orlando Bloom (2003-2007) But only in the Pirates movies. He’s Johnny Depp, Jr.

Sportacus (2004) From the God-awful children’s show, LazyTown. Not the (Icelandic) actor, the character. Make of that whatever you want.

Hugh Jackman (2004+) And, oddly, it all began with his unpredictable turn to play Peter Allen in the Broadway production of The Boy from Oz. What can I say? I love a song and dance man. Apparently, even a flamboyantly bedazzled one.

Patrick Dempsey (2007) But only in Enchanted.

Zac Efron (2007) He’s the new Rob Lowe.

Will Arnett (2009) It wasn’t until after Arrested Development ended that I learned to really appreciate this guy. Sorry, GOB.

Robert Downey, Jr. (2009) Honestly, he’s probably been on and off the list for years, but I’ve only recently started to admit it.

Bret McKenzie (2009+) The cuter half of Flight of the Conchords.

Robert Pattinson (2009) When my friend dragged me unwillingly to see New Moon. Fine, whatever. I’m Team Edward.

Josh Duhamel (2010) Starting with Ramona & Beezus. And my girl wonders why I’m willing to watch that movie again and again with her.

Flynn Rider (2010) From Tangled. What? Is it THAT weird that I’m including a cartoon character? You know what? Don’t answer that.

John Gordon Levitt (2011+) Based purely on his likable character in 50/50.

Wow. You’re still here? Well, if you actually made it through MY whole list, I want to know about YOU. Who was on YOUR walls? Boys can play, too.

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Wanna see this post in dreamy Tiger Beat technicolor? Click here, ODNT readers!

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Okay, so there is still a funk lingering in the air around here … and I’m understandably queasy about putting up this poll … but we must move forward to avoid getting left behind, right?  If you’ve been following along, you most likely have an opinion on the backbone of this blog.  And I want it.  Here and now.  Please take a look at the poll below, pick your answer and feel free to elaborate in the comment boxes below.  Few choices in life are black and white and I’m happy to entertain all of your explanations, thoughts, musings, mantras, recipes, jingles, song lyrics, poetry, tongue twisters, grocery lists, etc.

Oh, and I wanted to include a comment left by a regular ODNT reader and fellow blogger. Unlike some readers here, this individual and I have never met before so this opinion comes completely unbiased and fully anonymous.

What can I say about the decision of whether to go ahead with this? As you acknowledged, this is ultimately your choice to make. The fact that you’re hesitating is no surprise, because it’s a pretty big expense, and having your body modified isn’t a choice that should be taken lightly. I think if the side of your inner Sybil who thinks you should scrap the whole idea has been coming out often (or speaking loudly), maybe you should wait. But if you feel good about the whole idea and it only makes you nervous occasionally, you’ll probably have no regrets after going through with it.

- If you back out, you’ll probably be comfortable with the knowledge that you saved some money and avoided some minor but very real risks. But you might always look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I could have gotten some fabulous new ta-tas, and I chickened out! What was I thinking?”

- If you go through with it, I’m positive you’ll be happy with the way you look. You’ll get an instant and long-lasting boost to your self-image. You and your husband will have lots of fun playing with the new toys. But you might forever feel selfish, frivolous, and vain.

Gut instinct, without over-thinking it, which of these two situations seems more likely to eat at you?

If that doesn’t help, just ask yourself how likely you are to be stabbed in the chest, or have a Hezbollah rocket shot at you. Some extra padding out there could save your life

Ugh.  I’m high in the air … looking down … out of the open door of the plane. The houses look tiny and the people like ants. I sure hope this thing on my back is a parachute and not my daughter’s iCarly backpack. Here I go …

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et cetera
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