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{December 12, 2012}   The Baby Food Diet – Wrap-Up!

* * * * * * * * Wait! * * * * * * * *

Before you read the post below, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND reading the following posts first.

And, by “highly recommend,” I mean you’re not going to know what the snot I’m talking about unless you do. Don’t worry. They’re not long. As I am mostly illiterate.

A Quick Explanation of my Shenanigans

The Daily Journals … Day OneDay TwoDay ThreeDay FourDay Five

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Today’s Weight – 117.3

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

I just made myself laugh. (That happens more than it probably should.) I was writing today’s wrap-up and creating a link to yesterday’s post. And I entered the same codes I’ve been using every day. For example, yesterday’s installment entitled “Baby Food Diet – Day 5″ would be abbreviated to “BFD – Day 5.” B – F – D. Baby Food Diet. Of course, that’s not how Urban Dictionary defines it. Their interpretation is a little different. A little stronger …

Big … F(hi, Mom!)ucking … Deal

I like the parallel meanings for the acronym. And I think they both apply here. Because it is a pretty BFD that I managed to stick to the BFD for five straight days with no cheating. I really wanted to do it. To see if I could. To challenge myself a little. To laugh at myself a lot. And to write about all of it. So, to close things out properly, I conducted a little interview with myself today. It was tricky getting an appointment with me. I am apparently a very busy person. And I don’t always return my calls. But I finally tracked me down to ask a few questions. Here’s how it went.

Q: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me today on such short notice. Tell us how you heard about the diet. And would you recommend it?

“Well, The Baby Food Diet is one of the crazier get-thin-quick fads to come out of Hollywood. It’s credited to celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson and linked to actresses like Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Lady Gaga and Marcia Cross. And, while I certainly don’t recommend it as a lifestyle, it’s an easy way to drop a few pounds quickly before a big event you might have on the weekend.”

Q: Will you ever do it again?

“Who knows? Maybe … if I ever have three days to fit into a dress or something. Honestly, after the third day, my body adjusted to the lack of salt and sugar, like a Sugar Busters dieter, and I felt fine. I even got to where the food didn’t taste too bad. Except that blasted Macaroni & Cheese. I’m going to have nightmares about that one for a long time.” (insert canned laughter)

Q: How was it going back on real food?

“I was a little nervous about the transition. I didn’t want to jump in too quickly and shock my digestive system. So, oddly enough, the first thing I ate was squash soup. Not my recipe but something I bought from Williams-Sonoma. It’s not a far cry from the stuff I’ve been sustaining myself on for the last five days. Still, there were small bits of garlic in it and the whole thing had plenty of grown-up seasonings … including salt! It didn’t take much to fill me up. And isn’t that sort of the point of a diet?”

Q: And what about your big epicurean feast tonight?

“That question can probably best be answered in picture. So to close out the BFD series, I want to share a photo journal of my evening with the family at Bud’s Broiler, a New Orleans institution since the 1950s. As you can see, I absolutely hated it.” (more canned laughter, mixed with a little booing from a few audience members who don’t get the joke)

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That concludes our Baby Food Diet series.

So until the next inspiration of perfect dumbassery hits … Ta-Ta!

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{December 11, 2012}   The Baby Food Diet – Day Five

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.

Want to read about it from the beginning? Day OneDay TwoDay ThreeDay Four

Today’s Weight – 118.1

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So here we are. Day Five. What can I write about baby food? What … can … I … write? Wow. Five days is kind of a long time, huh? The funny thing is that about a day or so ago I stopped craving real food so intently. Yeah, I think that’s super weird, too. And it’s hard to be witty on baby brain. I guess that’s why babies don’t speak much and everyone claps when they do something as simple as smile. Not to worry though. I’ll be back to splitting atoms and completing algebraic equations once the fat and carbs kick in. Until then, here’s a fun little allegory about what’s happening tomorrow.

Okay. So, in this film clip, the Indian = me and Christopher Lloyd = you. And the water fountain? Well, since it’s the apparatus he used to break free of his shackles, I think it represents the cheeseburger* that I’m going to ingurgitate tomorrow. Except that I am so not throwing it out the window. Seriously, it could hit the greasy floor and I would still eat it. But that’s a bet for a future post, isn’t it?

*Be sure to vote in the poll at the bottom of this post to help me decide which food shall be my emancipator.

Still need proof of my commitment? Well, then you’re just mean. But I’ll give you another picture anyway.

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Vivien said that, since I started this regimen, our garbage has been very “loud.” Today I realized why. It’s all those baby food jars clanking against the beer bottles. Although my jars seem to outnumber Dave’s bottles ten to one. I think it’s time to admit I might have a problem.

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I’ll probably have a few jars left over tomorrow, freak show … and they’re yours.

Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 9:22am – Gerber Bananas (6 oz., 140 calories)
  • 12:20pm – Gerber Graduates Maple Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 12:59pm – Gerber Chicken Noodle (6 oz., 120 calories)
  • 1:06pm – Beech Nut Squash & Apples (4oz., 60 calories)
  • 1:14pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 3:16pm – Gerber Graduates Maple Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 3:17pm – Black decaf coffee with Splenda. A terrible idea from start to finish. (Remember, I don’t drink coffee.)
  • 3:57pm – Earth’s Best Spaghetti with Cheese (6 oz., 90 calories)
  • 4:16pm – Earth’s Best Rice & Lentil Dinner (4 oz., 70 calories)
  • 6:02pm – 1/2 avocado (142 calories)
  • 6:45pm – Earth’s Best Spring Vegetables & Pasta (6 oz., 120 calories)
  • 7:44pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 9:50pm – Beech Nut Apple & Strawberries (4 oz., 90 calories)
  • 9:52pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
  • 9:55pm – Earth’ Best Winter Squash (4 oz., 40 calories)

Total calories for the day – 1023

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

  • Having your skinny pants fit perfectly is pretty freakin’ cool.
  • I’m aware of the fact that, as soon as I have so much as a bite of toast, I’m going to balloon up faster than Sherman Klump.
  • If you eat enough baby food, you will in fact start to smell like baby food. I’d like to think people thought I was a new mom again. But with my luck they probably just thought I was a young (and obviously  involved) grandmother.
  • I realize why I miss dairy so much. I’ve had plenty of fruits, vegetables, “meats,” and starches but I’ve just about completely overlooked my dairy. Because babies under one are either drinking formula or (second vomit belch) nursing. And while I was a supplier for nearly four years, I draw the line at being a consumer.
  • I dodged a bullet today when I attended my girl’s choir concert. Thank God only the kids were admitted to the hotel’s holiday lunch. I wasn’t ready to pull out my baby food jars in front of a bunch of parents who trust me to watch their children from time to time.

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 A gratuitous picture from today’s concert. Them’s my skinny pants.

Oh, and one more thing. VOTE IN THE POLL! I’m finally eating real food tomorrow and you guys know I can’t be left to decide these things for myself. Cross your fingers that my infantile digestive system handles everything beautifully.

The final weigh-in and wrap up will posted tomorrow following my food-induced coma.

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et cetera
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