OldDogNewTits












My friend, Vanessa, texted me yesterday about the ‘Barbie’ post. She was actually one of the girls at the beach with me the weekend before last. And she knows things like the names ‘Stavros’ and ‘Pavlina’ were lifted from the TLC show ‘Say Yes to the Dress‘ which I watched for the first time on the trip.  Her one text turned into a fun activity for the whole afternoon.  And Vanessa demonstrated that she could go head to head with me or anyone else on a Barbie & Friends Playdate for Grown-ups.

(To understand and appreciate this post, you have to go back and read the ‘Barbie’ post first.  And, if you’re disturbed at the idea of two grown women exchanging tremendously fanciful Barbie texts for a few hours, then you might want to just go back and read about the Naked Mole Rats again.)

Vanessa: I feel bad for Stavros. The foreign exchange program.  No family here.  I feel like I can really relate.

Me: You and Stavros always clicked. Honestly Pavlina was always a little jealous of you two.  Which was kinda weird. … OMG! Don’t tell her I said that!

Vanessa: She wants to hate me but she’s having trouble because I’m a genuinely nice person.  This really bothers her …

Me: I keep telling you to take her out for a corn dog.  Seriously, that bitch can eat.

Vanessa: I saw a bottle of Adderall in her purse.  She claims to have ‘Adult ADHD.’  I also happen to know it keeps you in a double zero no matter how much food you consume.  Have you ever noticed her twitch? Side effect from the meds.

Me: Crap. Are you serious? Should we tell Stavros??

Vanessa: I’ve actually seen her slip him a few.  He wears women’s super skinny GAP jeans.  Hello?

Me: I can’t believe they left me in the dark here.  You know, Bianca tried to tell me last week but I just threw my Orange Julius in her face and ran off crying.

Vanessa: They both wear Spanx under their jeans.  Nobody is that flawless without some sort of assistance! And wait … an Orange Julius?  Oh, no you didn’t!

Me: Damn it! I just figured it was their European upbringing.

Vanessa: My grandmother was European and she was short and stout with huge double D boobs. This is just very suspicious …  Oh, and I am really sick of them listening to Gino Vannelli all the time.

Me: Well, Stavros thinks he’s related to Gino … his uncle or something … so that explains his obsession.  But Pavlina? What the hell?

Vanessa: She just copies whatever Stavros does.  … Okay, I feel kind of two-faced. She’s supposed to be our friend.

Me: OMG! Me, too. Let’s go take her to Corn Dog 7 to pig out.  I am so getting the jalapeño poppers this time.  Last time, I couldn’t because Tiffany and I were sharing and she said they were way too spicy for her.  Whatev!

Vanessa: Yeah.  Whatev is right.  Call her up and see what she says.  Tell her it’s our treat.  Don’t tell anyone about the Adderall.  It anyone finds out, our friendship is so over.

Me: I’m on it.  And your secret is safe with me, girlfriend.

Vanessa: Thanks, sistah!

Me: TTYL!

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I’m home from my girls trip and back to reality. It was a great weekend but I missed my crew and am happy to get back to them. Still … before I forget … thanks to my girlfriends for a fun, relaxing getaway. Whether you realize it or not, you are all hilarious, which is why I decided to keep my phone handy to keep track of some of your funnier sentiments. Here I share with you my ten favorites … in no particular order.

(1) My diet only allowed things like antelope, squirrel and beaver.

(2) That’s the perfect shirt to buy a loaf of bread in.

(3) If you think I’m going to yell my pants size across the damned store, think a-freakin’-gain.

(4) Short-sleeved sweaters go against everything I believe in.

(5) Why is she doing jazz hands for the nipple video?

(6) No, honey, you’re really not speaking too clearly, but that’s okay. You can try again tomorrow.

(7) Sorry, there’s no hot water. You’re just going to have to grab yourself a cat bath.

(8) I’m just going to ‘Kim Kardashian’ my face with another layer of makeup.

(9) She said she wants a “sparkly explosion below her waist.” (Referencing Say Yes to the Dress.)

(10) Will you be my cameraman when I wear a bloody wedding gown to jury duty?

Oh, and one more thing before I collapse into my bed tonight. I just wanted to share a picture of my favorite purchase from the weekend – my family’s new scrap metal garden rat-squirrel.   It’s ridiculous really when I think of how long we’ve operated without one of these glorious creations.

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And … obviously … I’m now accepting name suggestions.

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et cetera
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