My brain immediately got to work thinking about other famous trios who could replace the bears.
For the record, I find the story really sounds best when you read it aloud in a very overly-exaggerated, early Shirley Temple voice. Enjoy …
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Goldilocks Takes on a New Trio
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Once upon a time, there was a girl named Goldilocks. One day, Goldilocks was walking along the Santa Monica Pier when she came upon a rickety old apartment building. There were so many doors, she didn’t know what to do. So, she walked up to one of them and was just about to knock when she heard the sounds of bickering and squabbling coming from the other side.
“Oh, no!” she thought. “This just won’t do.”
Stepping away from the troubling noises, she looked up and saw another door, marked Two-O-One, just at the top of a tall stair. It looked perfect and there were no bothersome sounds coming from behind it. So, she climbed the great staircase all the way to the top and carefully approached the door.
She knocked and, when no one answered, she decided to try the knob. To her delight, it was unlocked! She wasn’t surprised when she entered, quickly realizing that nothing inside was of any value at all.
Her stomach grumbled. She was so hungry. It had been hours since she’d eaten that Hot Dog on a Stick along the pier. So, she pushed open the swinging door to the tiny kitchen and went inside. On the table, there were three bowls.
Goldilocks was starved so she tasted the food in the first bowl. It was Cold Asparagus Soup with Poached Quail Eggs and American White Sturgeon Caviar. “This one is tooooo fancy!” she exclaimed. So, she tasted the food in the second bowl. It was Fruity Pebbles cereal with orange juice instead of milk. “This one is tooooo weird!” she recoiled. Then, she tasted the last bowl. It was chicken noodle soup. “This one is juuuuust right,” she said happily. And she ate it all up.
After she filled her stomach and could eat no more, she decided she was feeling a little cold and she needed some warmer clothes. So, she opened the closet door where she saw three coats hanging on the rod.
Goldilocks tried on the first coat. It was a cheesy powder blue corduroy with lapels as wide as the big, blue ocean. “This one is tooooo big!” she exclaimed. So, she tried on the second coat. It was a yellow and orange-striped wrap with long gold tassels and leather fringe hanging around the bottom. “This one is tooooo groovy!” she said. Then, she tried on the last coat. It was a boring but timeless black pea coat. “This one is juuuuust right,” she sighed. But just as she tried to fasten it up, three of the cheap buttons fell off and rolled under the hideous wicker coffee table.
By this time, Goldilocks was getting very tired. She decided she wanted to take a nap so she went off to search for the perfect sleeping spot.
She lay on the first bed in the room by itself. “This one smells like tooooo much cheap aftershave!” she wheezed. So, she went to the next room and lay on the second bed, but it was just as bad. “This one smells like tooooo much bleach … and peroxide!” she groaned. Then, she lay on the third bed. “This one smells like a flower shop! It’s juuuuust right.”
And Goldilocks fell fast asleep, where she remained until the three roommates came home from the Regal Beagle and walked into the kitchen.
“Someone’s been eating my Cold Asparagus Soup with Poached Quail Eggs and American White Sturgeon Caviar!” exclaimed Jack, making a pass at one of his roommates by pretending to need comforting over the lost soup. “Someone’s been eating my Fruity Pebbles and orange juice!” giggled Chrissy, who was laughing so hard that she began snorting. ”Someone’s been eating my chicken noodle soup and they ate it all up!” cried Janet.
Then, they saw their coats strewn all over the cheap, Salvation Army-reject sofa with the God-awful rusty orange design.
“Someone’s been wearing my leisure jacket!” yelled Jack. “Someone’s been wearing my shawl!” whined Chrissy. “Someone’s been wearing my coat … and they’ve lost all the buttons!” cried Janet, whose mousy black curls shook with anger.
Just as they were about to call the surly landlord downstairs to complain of a break-in, they heard a strange noise coming from the back of the apartment. The three roommates ran to their bedrooms.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” shouted Jack. “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” yammered Chrissy. “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed … and she’s still here!” exclaimed Janet.
Just then, Goldilocks woke up and saw the three roommates and screamed “Help!” Jack smiled lasciviously and said, “Well, hello there, foxy mama. What’s your hurry?” Trying to appear casual, he leaned one elbow onto the dresser but somehow accidentally knocked the whole thing over and took an impressive pratfall behind the bed.
“Jack!” screamed Janet and Chrissy in perfect unison, giving Goldilocks just enough time to jump up and run out of the room. She dashed out of the always inexplicably open front door and flew down the stairs bumping right into Mr. & Mrs. Roper at the bottom landing.
Seeing this attractive young blonde fleeing the apartment, he grumbled something to his wife about the three roommates trying to pull something over on him again about Jack being gay. “Oh, Stanley!” was all he got in return from his scornful, housecoat-clad spouse, who was now rolling her eyes and laughing at him as she walked back into their downstairs apartment.
And Goldilocks never returned to the home of the three roommates ever again.
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