OldDogNewTits












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Edward Hotspur: Hey, ODNT. Are you going to write something for Romantic Monday?

Me: Romantic? Um … well, that’s not really my forte. Can it be quirky? And unconventional? Can I think outside the box? Like Taco Bell. Except that they say “bun.” Because they’re referring to the fact that they have taco shells and tortillas and stuff instead of ….

Edward Hotspur: Yes, yes. I get it. (rolling eyes) You? Outside the box? I would expect nothing less.

Okay, so this conversation never actually happened but I felt it necessary to explain my unusual approach to these writing prompts. I guess I see things differently than most so I’ll just call them as I see them, if that’s alright with you guys. Which reminds me … today we’re talking about the romance I just witnessed in a Liquid Plumber commercial.

Some of you may have already seen the ad. It’s plugging (pardon the pun) a new-ish product called Liquid Plumber Double Impact. And they’re using two beefy dudes (and Barry White) to make their point. Truly, you have to see it to believe it.

Now, for the record, I just unclogged the toilet in my master bathroom. Dave was out of town again so the delicious task fell to me. And I’m here to tell you that there is nothing sexy about it. By the time I was done, I was a mess and there were wet towels everywhere. There was toilet water all over my feet and the floor. Which the cat managed to track also into my bedroom and (bonus) onto my bed.

Perhaps if I called it “eau de toilette.”

Nope. Not sexy yet.

Or if I had music on in the background.

I went with the Weather Channel’s musak. Still not sexy.

Or if I appealed to my olfactory senses with an array of pleasing scents.

Remember, I’m unplugging a malfunctioning toilet. Never a treat for the nose.

I’m sorry, Edward. I tried to recreate this woman’s experience at home. I’ll do better next time. Not everyone can have a Romantic Monday over her toilet. Oh, and before I forget … Dave, we really need a new plunger. Ours sucks. Not literally. Which is WHY it sucks.

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Remember when I posted the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism videos a while back? I’ll bet that dude’s feature on ODNT has made him a fortune by now. (sarcasm) Every now and then, I’m exposed to someone’s creative greatness. And, when I actually expel Diet Coke (not always from my mouth), I feel it’s my duty to share it here with you guys.

Enter the “literal video” phenomenon.

I took a mental health day yesterday. By that, I mean I did very little. My girl had a morning volleyball game so we got an early start. Since Dave’s out of town again, my brother met us there and took my boy out for a while to do some guy things while Viv & I got together with a few moms and daughters for lunch and general lazing.

It. Was. Marvelous.

And so you have my friend, Vanessa, to thank for these videos today. I have no idea who first came up with the idea.There’s a ton of them out there and some are WAY better than others. So, I’m just sharing a few of my favorites. If you know these original videos, you’ll laugh even harder. Enjoy!

Safety dance- literal video of an 80s band on lsd by Stratus321

 

And just one more because I love Davy Jones.

Don’t forget to vote for my “Kids Are Soft Today” Brite book. Read! Like! Share! The contest ends tomorrow.

Thanks, guys!

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{September 28, 2011}   When TITS is part of your blog name

When I set out to name this blog, I bounced around a lot of different ideas with a lot of different people. Most of these ideas were too lame to remember, much less post, but I do recall clunkers like ‘Making Mountains out of Molehills’ and ‘Two Boobs are Better than None.’ Alright, calm down. I told you they sucked. They’re too obvious .. and limited.  Too boob-centric, if you will.  And I’m not all about the boob, you guys. I am an interesting, colorful and multi-layered human being.

So, one night while my husband and I were out having drinks (and some sinful culinary creation called Gouda Beignets), we played around with a lot of these different ideas … including the crappers above … and happened upon Old Dog, New Tits.  We both busted out laughing … maybe it was the booze … and decided that was it.  Even though it would have to mean my being cool with calling myself an ‘old dog.’ I decided to hear it in my head as its streetsmart cousin …  ‘dawg’ … and ran with it.

So, I bought the domain and got to work.

And I remember telling my friends about the name and getting the same initial reaction from them. Laughter. (That’s good, right?)  Except for one friend who seemed concerned with using the word ‘tits’ in my blog name.  “Aren’t you afraid it might turn some people off?” she asked me.  And I responded with “Well, my MOM likes it.” (She’s a pretty reliable hash mark on the prude-to-offensive yardstick. Right, mom?)

Of course, I will give my friend this credit. Having ‘tits’ in the title has prevented my inclusion in certain blog directories. But … I’ve learned that those directories are not so much the ones in which I want to be listed anyway. (Whatever, blog directories. I won’t bash you over it. Here. In writing. Where there’s proof.) Oh, and ‘tits’ has navigated many a colorful Googler to my website. It’s actually one of the primary words that leads ‘Googlers’ to me. (I so wish I could see the disappointment on their faces when arrive at ODNT.)

And, seriously, let’s take a look at the tiny little word ‘tit’ for a minute.  As some of you may already know, it’s one of the original Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television, a groundbreaking comedy bit made famous by George Carlin.  Remember?  Well, if you don’t, I’m posting it here.

BUT WAIT! DON’T WATCH THE LINK WITH YOUR KIDS IN THE ROOM! OR ANYONE ELSE’S KIDS!! OR EVEN A GOAT KID!!!

George said the same thing that I’ve been saying all this time. ‘Tits’ soooooo should not be keeping the kind of company it’s keeping here. The other six are killer words that you’ll only see on premium cable. Or maybe a Tarantino film. (Is he still relevant enough to mention in a blog post?) My point is … “tits” is harmless word. It sounds like a skin condition a dog gets or, as my friend George said, even a snack food. New from Frito-Lay!

‘Pass the cheese tits, please.”

Tit. It’s a cute little word.  A palindrome. And it’s only three letters.  How bad can it be? Right? … RIGHT???

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et cetera
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