My friend, Mel, at AccordingToMags is getting back at me for making her publish a post with the word penis in it. Now …. before you get all excited … hers is a very innocent story. When she initially told me about it, she had no intention of putting it in her blog …. until I pushed. And pushed. Then had a snack, checked the mail and took a nap. Then woke up and pushed some more. It’s all about taking her young kids to see a movie. Click here to read it.
And in my quest to push her out of her comfort zone, I may have inadvertently mentioned that I had a similar story involving my son when he was only five, kindergarten-bound and very observant. These three qualities ensured that all of the thoughts that crossed his mind also crossed his lips. And I was usually more than happy to answer his many, many, many questions.
So anyway, my family was on its first trip to Disney World. It was the four of us (son, 5 and daughter, 2) as well as my parents. My kids were having a blast and wanted to ride everything they could, but their age differential enabled my boy to take on a lot more of the rides than his sister. And he was surprisingly fearless.
Enter that stupid Mission: Space ride at EPCOT.
Because my daughter was clearly too young for this ride, Dave opted to sit it out with her. And my parents hung back with them. But dammit, my boy was all excited and dying to ride the space ride. So what’s a mom to do, right?
Of course, right.
It’s one of the biggest rides at the park so it comes with the tedious, Disney-esque experience of waiting in an interminable line that weaves through seemingly endless mazes of germy ropes, snotty handrails and darkened corridors intended to get you in an “intergalactic mood” by the time you reach the core. After well over an hour had passed, we finally got to the end of the line and waited in a small holding room with maybe 25-ish people to be assigned to our respective “pods.” (The nerdity in the air was palpable.) And we waited. And waited. And waited. Something was clearly wrong. There was a loud beep and everyone got whisper quiet in anticipation of a voice coming over the PA to tell us what to do.
We’re all familiar with the expression “you could have heard a pin drop,” right? Well, that’s exactly how it was when my sweet little son, back then always armed with a million questions, turned to me in the deafening silence and said “Mommy” … and then he paused … ’cause clearly there was gonna be more.
I turned to my boy and said “What?” … expecting any number of predictable, mundane statements from my five-year-old.
- “I have to go to the bathroom.”
- “What’s taking so long?”
- “I’m huuuuuungry.”
- “My tummy hurts.”
- “This shirt feels itchy.”
- “That guy sure has a fat belly.”
Any of those (and many, many others, by the way) would have been fine. But that wasn’t the direction he was going. Cut back to me. “What?” I said innocently.
Nothing could have prepared me for this next moment as a parent.
“Why do you have so much hair on your vagina?”
(radio fucking silence)
Okay. You know how, in old cartoons when a character is shocked, his eyes bulge out and you hear the antique Model T car horn blaring? Yeah? Well, that was me! Me and EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM!
Then, at the exact moment that my body was debating its fight or flight options, a voice mercifully came over the loudspeaker to announce that the ride was experiencing a technical difficulty. Or something like that. Honestly, I have no fucking idea what it said. MY VAGINA HAD JUST BEEN THE TOPIC OF A SMALL FOCUS GROUP! I was too busy picking up the shattered pieces of my dignity from the floor and trying to keep every ounce of blood from rushing to my face.
Then, somehow … I made it worse.
I can’t explain why I felt the need to defend myself to these strangers. I needed them to know I was clean … groomed … manicured even. And not some sort of 1970s, freakishly shaggy wooly mammoth. Thus, before I could stop myself, I blurted out … “It’s not that much really” … to the entire room of people. About the quantity of pubic hair. On my vagina. And then hauling ass with my kid for the exit. I don’t think I stopped until I reached the nasty crawl space under my bed in the hotel room.
I still can’t believe he said it. But I guess I should be counting my blessings that it wasn’t in church.
* * * * * * * * * *
Short attention span?
Click the image below to view this post as a picture book.
OldDogNewTits 
Brave you are ODNT, fearlessly brave. But in all reality, kids at that age don’t understand (most of them any way) that there are some questions better asked in private (at least not until they do it at least once). Take a deep breath, and realize that whatever people are putting together at this point, is purely their own imagination instigated with words. That means it’s just like any other fiction story… right??? 😉
I am also fearlessly GROOMED. Promise 😉
GrinZ… I believe ya 🙂
First, that is an awesome shout out! Thank you!
Second, the bright side is he didn’t address anyone else’s anatomy or “fat belly” in line. Then you would have had to apologize before leaving…or worse…be in the 4 man capsule with them.
I can relate to this situation way too well. Funny how those damn baby books tell us how to deal with cradle cap to circumcision care, but where’s the chapter titled ‘When I Want To Dig a Hole and Die”? No where to be found! How convenient! ;). Great writing!
Right, he could have said “Mom, do you think that lady over there has as much hair as you do on your vagina???” cuz that would have been even worse, right???????
OMG I AM ROLLING ON THE FLOOR HERE LOLOLOLOL
My lovely son, as I have shared, is Spectrum and has been received Speech Therapy since he was 18 months old (5 1/2 now). We were exiting the grocery store and I dont remember if it was raining, or if it was cold, or what, but my 4 year old child at the time who was sitting in the front of the shopping cart, proceeds to start YELLING “MOMMY, I NEED HEAD” as I began to walk out of the store and into the parking lot. “HEAD, HEAD, MOMMY I NEED HEAD”.
Stupid me, I repeat, among the throngs of on lookers who are watching me and my seemingly “typical/normal (I hate using that word but its the only thing I can think of right now)” child “You need head?”.
Then realizing at that very minute what my child was asking, what I repeated, and what “the other meaning” is, little darling began fumbling with his HOOD and was trying to pull it up. I said loudly while returning to the car “Ohhhhhh YOU NEED YOUR HOOD!!!!”
Not as good as a hairy va-jay jay question, but being behind, I am sure that type of embarrassment will be coming up sometime in 1st grade…
Thank you for my first laugh of the day…Kids are great, aren’t they? 🙂
Well my 5 year old frequently laments the fact that he doesn’t have a vagina. I hope it’s just a phase.
you know those silly Mastercard commercials? Well, THIS is priceless!
I actually stopped and braced myself for the question, and nope was not prepared.
Considering that your blog name deals with another area, I’m sure most people weren’t wondering.
Of course, we are now.
OMG! Hilarious! I know you didn’t think this then, or even now, but this is quite precious. Admit it, or else you wouldn’t have willingly just told the entire interweb! Did you ever ask him what on earth in that place or in his mind made him think of that particular question at that particular time? Then again, maybe don’t ask. I see lots of opps to revisit this story when he’s older; he’ll never live this one down. =)
LOL! Wow! How flippin embarrassing. I don’t even know how I would’ve handled that. i can’t even come up with a clever comeback for that now. and i wasn’t even involved!!!
OMG!! That is hilarious!! I can’t remember Sofia ever doing anything *that* bad…the occasional “Mommy that lady is fat” within earshot of the portly person, but this? Classic!
Oh my GOOD LORD I would have DIED.
I literally guffawed when I read what your son asked. I don’t think I’ve ever guffawed in my life.
I think the only thing that would have made it worse is if your dad was with you.
My boy asked me if I cut my penis off when he caught me grooming! I think we’re just destined to scar them forever. And they give us grey hair!
Oh. My. God.
I love your son.
but I don’t ever want to be on a line with him!
It’s been over eight hours since i read this and I’m still trying to figure out what to say. Wow. At leaste this time you can embarrass him once he’s older, by letting him know you posted this on your blog. Teenagers are mortified by this kind of talk by their parents.
Oh my manicured lawn, I LOVE THIS. Kids say the darnedest things, don’t they?! Your response is priceless. And the way you told the story had me glued to the edge of my seat. BRAVO!!!
Thanks, Iris. And thanks for visiting. I LOVED your post, too. Gender equality, indeed.
For those who haven’t seen it … http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2012-04-a-few-good-vaginas.html
You should have just said “I’m a child of the 70s.” Have you plotted your revenge yet?
What happened to my gravatar pic? Anyway, my nephew did something similar to my sister-in-law, only instead of using the proper terms, he stated in a grocery store line “Mom, you have fur on your whacker-box.”
…dying…hyperventilating…dying…hyperventilating…
Great story! They all find ways to embarrass us. My oldest used to think kissing was sex. One day while we were waiting in line at the grocery store, he announced (loudly), “I saw you and dad having sex on the sofa last night!” Everyone stopped and stared at me. I couldn’t explain to the people around me that he was confused about what sex is, or I’d have to explain to him what sex really is. I just had to hurry up and pay for my groceries and get out of there.
Two years ago, my youngest, Carly aka Goose, was 5. She NEVER knocks. I slept in and decided to take her to school. I made her breakfast, sat her down with a show, and took my shower. I forgot to lock the door. she walks in on my as I’m pulling underwear over me.
later that day i told my wife what happened, in case child services got involved, and my wife goes, “yeah, she told me about it earlier. she was worried if you were sick because she saw you had a “big bump”……..yeah. horrible.
but your story was hilarious
lol At least she didn’t say you had a “little bump.”
I needed a good laugh today, and boy, did I get one. Great story. Laughed so hard I cried. And even some of the other commenters stories were hilarious too. Now I’m terrified of what one of my young sons might say at an inopportune moment.
This is the same kid who, at age 2 1/2 clearly announced during a crowded church service, “I smell avocado.” Everyone, including God, laughed for almost five minutes.
OK…Im still laughing…
This eclipses my story of when Katie laughed me out of the car for saying that the vagina is a miracle.
(It was the end of a very uncomfortable answer to where baby’s come from when she was FOUR.) And no, she did not stop when I gave her the vague answer that is appropriate for four year olds. She proceeded to ask and ask and ask until I was forced to explain how something so big could… well, you get the picture. So, she and John, FOUR AND SIX years old, laughed me out of the the car. As in, “Mom said a vagina is a miracle!! Bwaahaaaaahaaaaa!”
In my defense, Those weren’t my EXACT words, but that was what she gleaned from it. Thank God I wasn’t in line at Disney.
Oh, and for the record, my favorite euphamism for the aforementioned body part has (up until now) been “hootly-hoo”, a term used loosely in the house of a family friend. But I’m afraid from now on I will only be able to think of it as a “whacker-box”. That is HI-LARIOUS.
Pingback: Friday Foolishness – Philosophical Edition | Guapola
Great story! I love how the question was asked in the dark, inner sanctum of a malfunctioning ride… in an eerie parallel to the subject of questioning! Like, is that why your son thought of this particular visual, in that particular environment? Well done!
That’s funny. I hadn’t even thought of that metaphor. It’s spot on with “dark” and “inner sanctum” and … hey! Who are you calling “malfunctioning?!!?”
Your son was right to shame you.
I’m going to accuse you of being from Paris.
This one had me (and the Braughs) on the floor! The question asked is no where near as funny as your desire to defend yourself. Priceless. One of your best!
And here my mother thought she had something to complain about when I asked loudly why the lady sitting next to me was wearing such an ugly hat.
This is just so frigging funny – thank you for sharing your mortification.
You’re welcome. (Sigh)
Oh, I’m trying not to laugh, REALLY I am, but seriously, this was the greatest thing ever. I could just see the whole scene playing out. Hilarious writing!
Thanks. Took me a few years to be able to talk about it. Comfortably anyway. 🙂
Hahahhahaha OMG that is the best thing ever. Hhahaha damn i wish I was there. I probably would have peed myself.
Then it’s probably best that you weren’t. 🙂
Ba!Ha!Ha! My 3 year old reprimanded me for “tooting” in line at the grocery store the other day- I swear it was the cart, but the cashier sure as hell thought it was funny. I can only imagine your embarassment!
HAHAHAHA Oh my God. I just laughed out loud at my computer. Thank you for sharing this!
Your son sounds amazing. That being said, I loved that you had to defend yourself to those nearby. Great storytelling.
Okay I thought it was funny and was giggling along. THEN I got to your self-defense and lost it And I had a vivid picture in my head of you booking until “… I got to the space under my hotel room.” BWAHAHA! Ellen
Pingback: Happy Birthday, ODNT! | Guapola
That was absolutely hilarious! I’m gonna laugh about that all day!
AT me … I hope?
You’re a very funny writer!
Funniest thing ever! Thanks for sharing ~ I can just see you in that Pod-thingy, it getting all hot and uncomfortable and then the question. Love it! Following you from the Blog Hop at You Know it Happens at Your House Too!
Thanks! And I love your blog name, by the way. 🙂
Brilliant. My kid likes talking about his privates but nit as much as he likes talking about MY privates.
Well, in his defense, it does make for great dinner conversation. Especially when entertaining company.
Very Freakin’ Funny!! LMAO! I have 2 eight year-olds, and I know how weird things can get sometimes!
Stopped by from the TGIF hop, and I am sure I’ll be back for more. 🙂
That is a great story! It could have gone so much worse- he could have said “Mom- how come that lady over there has so much hair”. You are always so darn funny! And that ride in Epcot made me vomit!
Oh. Mah. Gawd. That’s awesome. I was dying the other day when my 2 year old told everyone at swim class that I poop in the big potty. You win.
That’s awesome. So … when DID you start pooping on the big potty? I’m so proud of you!
This is awesome and horrifying and absolutely hilarious.
Thanks. All true. 🙂
Omg, my stomach hurts from laughing…..I am very glad that you haven’t resorted to the hairless porn look…..good work;)
Thanks, LG. It was a banner day as a mom. 🙂
I just came here via the Sensible Moms Link-up Par-tay and now I see why you submitted this post as one of your favorites…you are oh so brave and oh so hilarious to post that one…I’m headed to Disney World in February with the family and now I’m going to steer clear of any rides that have long waits in pods!
Just make sure you ladyscape before you leave and you should be fine. 🙂
I love this one! And when I read it the first time it did not have the Brite book. That was fine (hilarious) literature my friend! Everyone must click over and look at the picture book! Ellen
Thanks, Ellen.
(Free promo for Britely!)
“The day things got hairy at Disney”.
Oh boy. You ain’t kidding. LOL!
Thanks so much for the laugh, and for linking this up with the TALU!
hahaha – oh kids! My daughter once asked me why I had a beard “down there”.Luckily we were home alone and not at Disney. LOL (talu)
Aren’t you glad you revisited that moment in history? When your son is older and has kids of his own, I hope you remind him daily of what is to come…
Popped in from Mama Kat’s! How did you do that picture book thing? It’s so cool!
I did it with a website previously operated by the Britely company. Unfortunately, these creative geniuses and their jazzy little flip books are no more.
Hey! Maybe WE should create our own website where people can make them again. What do you say, Blond Duck?
bwahahahaha! That is hilarious! And why…what…why…? Why then? Where did that come from? Just, oh my.
I thought I had a good awkward moment, but I think you have me beat. I probably would’ve just laughed, though, and honestly, I would’ve wished I’d captured it on video. Then again, I’m not very normal.
Oh, my! That reminds me of a time when my sons caused an awkward moment with me in front of my Dad, and involving a pretty vulgar gag gift. (long story)
Thanks for sharing, though….that was hilarious!
This so sounds like something my daughter would shock me with! Hilarious!
Pingback: My Top 12 Posts of 2014 – Not necessarily what I expected | OldDogNewTits