Goldilocks Takes on a New Trio (for Trifextra)

It’s Trifextra time … and a what a distinctively different assignment we were given this weekend.  Participants were challenged to write a new version of the classic Goldilocks and the Three Bears story.  To quote the madcap rules for this round … “You can change the setting, the characters, and whatever details you wish, but the story should still be recognizable to us.  Keep the spirit of the original work, but make it your own.  And for once?  You have no word limit.”

My brain immediately got to work thinking about other famous trios who could replace the bears.

My brain: What about the Musketeers?

Me: Nah. That would involve too much period research.

My brain: The Stooges?

Me: God … No! I can’t stand those (shaking head) stooges.

My brain: Charlie’s Angels?

Me: Okay. Okay, brain. You’re getting warmer. Let’s keep thinking.

My brain: (jumping to its feet pointing one finger in the air) I’ve got it!!!

Me: Yes! You make the coffee and I’ll go get my laptop. (running off, tripping over shoe on way out of room)

My brain and I worked tirelessly for several hours in the middle of the night to come up with this entry. We bumped heads a few times (which honestly is hard for person to do with his or her own brain) but, for the most part, we got along swimmingly.  We’re a pretty good team when we actually stop talking and start listening to each other once in a while.

For the record, I find the story really sounds best when you read it aloud in a very overly-exaggerated, early Shirley Temple voice. Enjoy …

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Goldilocks Takes on a New Trio

* * * * * * * * * *

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Goldilocks.  One day, Goldilocks  was walking along the Santa Monica Pier when she came upon a rickety old apartment building.  There were so many doors, she didn’t know what to do. So, she walked up to one of them and was just about to knock when she heard the sounds of bickering and squabbling coming from the other side.

“Oh, no!” she thought. “This just won’t do.”

Stepping away from the troubling noises, she looked up and saw another door, marked Two-O-One, just at the top of a tall stair. It looked perfect and there were no bothersome sounds coming from behind it. So, she climbed the great staircase all the way to the top and carefully approached the door.

She knocked and, when no one answered, she decided to try the knob. To her delight, it was unlocked! She wasn’t surprised when she entered, quickly realizing that nothing inside was of any value at all.

Her stomach grumbled. She was so hungry. It had been hours since she’d eaten that Hot Dog on a Stick along the pier. So, she pushed open the swinging door to the tiny kitchen and went inside. On the table, there were three bowls.

Goldilocks was starved so she tasted the food in the first bowl. It was Cold Asparagus Soup with Poached Quail Eggs and American White Sturgeon Caviar. “This one is tooooo fancy!” she exclaimed. So, she tasted the food in the second bowl. It was Fruity Pebbles cereal with orange juice instead of milk. “This one is tooooo weird!” she recoiled. Then, she tasted the last bowl. It was chicken noodle soup.  “This one is juuuuust right,” she said happily. And she ate it all up.

After she filled her stomach and could eat no more, she decided she was feeling a little cold and she needed some warmer clothes.  So, she opened the closet door where she saw three coats hanging on the rod.

Goldilocks tried on the first coat. It was a cheesy powder blue corduroy with lapels as wide as the big, blue ocean. “This one is tooooo big!” she exclaimed. So, she tried on the second coat. It was a yellow and orange-striped wrap with long gold tassels and leather fringe hanging around the bottom. “This one is tooooo groovy!”  she said.  Then, she tried on the last coat. It was a boring but timeless black pea coat. “This one is juuuuust right,” she sighed.  But just as she tried to fasten it up, three of the cheap buttons fell off and rolled under the hideous wicker coffee table.

By this time, Goldilocks was getting very tired. She decided she wanted to take a nap so she went off to search for the perfect sleeping spot.

She lay on the first bed in the room by itself. “This  one smells like tooooo much cheap aftershave!” she wheezed.  So, she went to the next room and lay on the second bed, but it was just as bad.  “This one smells like tooooo much bleach … and peroxide!” she groaned. Then, she lay on the third bed. “This one smells like a flower shop! It’s juuuuust right.”

And Goldilocks fell fast asleep, where she remained until the three roommates came home from the Regal Beagle and walked into the kitchen.

“Someone’s been eating my Cold Asparagus Soup with Poached Quail Eggs and American White Sturgeon Caviar!” exclaimed Jack, making a pass at one of his roommates by pretending to need comforting over the lost soup. “Someone’s been eating my Fruity Pebbles and orange juice!” giggled Chrissy, who was laughing so hard that she began snorting. “Someone’s been eating my chicken noodle soup and they ate it all up!” cried Janet.

Then, they saw their coats strewn all over the cheap, Salvation Army-reject sofa with the God-awful rusty orange design.

“Someone’s been wearing my leisure jacket!” yelled Jack. “Someone’s been wearing my shawl!” whined Chrissy. “Someone’s been wearing my coat … and they’ve lost all the buttons!” cried Janet, whose mousy black curls shook with anger.

Just as they were about to call the surly landlord downstairs to complain of a break-in, they heard a strange noise coming from the back of the apartment. The three roommates ran to their bedrooms.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” shouted Jack. “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” yammered Chrissy. “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed … and she’s still here!” exclaimed Janet.

Just then, Goldilocks woke up and saw the three roommates and screamed “Help!” Jack smiled lasciviously and said, “Well, hello there, foxy mama. What’s your hurry?” Trying to appear casual, he leaned one elbow onto the dresser but somehow accidentally knocked the whole thing over and took an impressive pratfall behind the bed.

“Jack!” screamed Janet and Chrissy in perfect unison, giving Goldilocks just enough time to jump up and run out of the room.  She  dashed out of the always inexplicably open front door and flew down the stairs bumping right into Mr. & Mrs. Roper at the bottom landing.

Seeing this attractive young blonde fleeing the apartment, he grumbled something to his wife about the three roommates trying to pull something over on him again about Jack being gay.  “Oh, Stanley!” was all he got in return from his scornful, housecoat-clad spouse, who was now rolling her eyes and laughing at him as she walked back into their downstairs apartment.

And Goldilocks never returned to the home of the three roommates ever again.

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The inspiration for today’s post …

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24 responses to “Goldilocks Takes on a New Trio (for Trifextra)

  1. Poached Quail Eggs, powder blue coat, and Fruity Pebbles with orange juice= just some of the great details you provide. Goldi was wrong about Fruity Pebbles, though! They are delicious with OJ in them. Milk ruins the fruity taste. 😉

  2. See. If she had waited for Mr.Furley to become the landlord, she could’ve stayed.

  3. Jennifer Worrell

    When you took us to Three’s Company, I nearly lost it on the spot! LOVE IT!

  4. What a great idea!

  5. Now, on Monday I want a sequel where they meet Larry at the Regal Beagle and Jack and Larry both make dates with Goldilocks on the same night. Hijinks ensue.

    hilarious take, smiled throughout, without meds.

    • Happy to serve as your meds whenever I can.

      As far as the next episode, I think there needs to be a scene where Roper overhears a conversation through an air vent that he THINKS is about hanky panky but it’s really about replacing the batteries in a flashlight. That would be hilarious!

  6. Come and knock on our door!

  7. LOL, all I can say is that this was fun.

  8. I really like this. Plus, you made me watch an ENTIRE EPISODE of Three’s Company after I watched the clip you linked to. Your story is great, I liked best the part where Jack sees Goldilocks. It’s exactly what he would have said, and DID. I can see it. He’s the perfect slapstick bumbler.

  9. I always come here looking forward to your hilariously twisted pop culture references. That was great!

  10. My dearest Puppy, I recognized the names before the clip was introduced. Excellent turnabout, and you certainly did watch as many bad TV sitcoms as I did “back in the day”! Ha ha ha, you rock. Groooooovy! (wink) Amy and here’s mine:
    http://sharplittlepencil.com/2012/04/20/dreadlocks-and-the-three-rednecks-trifecta/

  11. Wow, I’ve never seen Threes Company before, but you make it look hilarious! Before I saw the video, I thought you were being original, but even though its not, you still sold the details very well. I loved the ending; a perfect way to lead Goldilocks to her escape and tie up the whole hilarious charade in a nice neat bow (especially when coupled with the couple on the way out).

    Oh, Goldilocks… will she never learn?

  12. I agree, your brain and you are a pretty good team, because this is splendid. I bet you had good fun writing that one. I’m glad you picked up on the ‘always open front door’. That’s always bothered me too. Who are these people who never close their front door? And then they have the nerve to complain about break-ins? I really enjoyed this one. Hope to see you during the week as well.

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