Yesterday, I wrote a fun little post called Six Oddly Specific Things I’m Good at Doing. So today, I feel absolutely compelled to share the opposite. Sadly, this counterpoint has enough content to compose a novel… and I mean an epic novel that would rival the likes of War and Peace. But, because we all lead busy lives and need to do things like earn a living, I’ll just include a snippet here.
For your enjoyment.
And my humiliation.
Frying an egg. You people are gifted geniuses. How the hell you flip this runny concoction over baffles my mind. I’ve tried it. Many times. And I always make a terrible mess. In the pan, on the stove and, once when I tried to be especially creative with a pancake-style flip, on the floor and ceiling. Seriously, a chicken could probably do it better than me.
Ordering off a menu. I know people who walk into a restaurant for the first time ever, open the menu, then promptly and decisively tell the waiter, “I’ll have the fried oyster salad.” I am in awe of these people. I’ve never been able to do that a day in my life. What if the oysters aren’t crunchy enough? Can I request that the chef prepare them that way? And I don’t want the red onions. Can we leave them off? Or, better yet, can we replace them with avocado? Oh, and can I get the remoulade dressing on the side? Unless it’s too spicy. Is it too spicy? If so, I’ll have Balsamic. Or, you know what, can I just see the menu again?
Cutting a mango. Before you judge me, have you ever tried it? I actually watched a few YouTube videos in an effort to learn this valuable skill. Because it’s Vivien’s favorite fruit. And the dude in the video make the most beautiful mango squares I’ve ever seen. With no waste whatever. I HATE the dude in the video.
Putting a fitted sheet on a queen bed. I can’t do it when Dave’s out of town. So I either sleep in filth or leave the 4th corner hanging. I haven’t tried my hand with a king sheet but I assume the same rule applies. The rule being that I’m pitiful and have arms too weak to get that tight 4th corner fitted in place. Spaz.
Baking anything other than a single layer cake. I’ve tried. Lord, how I’ve tried. The stupid Betty Crocker box makes it look so easy. Two circles stacked on top of each other with icing in the middle and all around the outer layer. It’s the classic American birthday cake. My attempts at it would disgust Ms. Crocker and probably ban me from being able to purchase her products ever again.
Sleeping. The three-prong process seems simple. Lie down, shut eyes, drift off. Then remain that way for 7-8 hours. I’ve never been able to do that in my entire life. Just ask my mom. I’ve tried pills (all-natural, over the counter and prescription), sleep masks, ear plugs, black out shades, noise machines … my body just rejects it for anything more than an hour or two at a time. And ironically it’s one of my favorite things in the whole, wide world. (sigh)
What about YOU?
What are YOUR deficiencies?
June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!
I can’t mow the lawn. the stringy things stand back up, it’s gouged dirt on one side & too tall on the other, I can’t get too close to the trees without breaking a blade on roots UG! how do guys make it look so easy?
Ooh. I think that’s actually a skill that’s best left unlearned, Sharon. Men have been convincing us for centuries that we as women are better at cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. So we should be the ones doing it.
Let’s let them feel superior in this area. 🙂
Using a lighter… Lucky I don’t smoke. It’s embarrassingly lame.