My part of the world has always taken the term “April showers” very seriously. Today was no exception. There was severe lightning, there was hail, there was flooding and there was excessive, driving, sideways rain … all wrapped up in a tornado warning. And I … I was at the grocery store in the midst of all of it. With a basket FULL of assorted, paper-packaged, refrigerator-requiring shit.

I’m such a dumb ass.

Loading AND unloading my car full of groceries has never been a wetter, more harrowing and I’m-guessing-hilarious-to-watch experience in my life. I was truly afraid I was going to struck by lightning today. Thank goodness for people. And humor. And … you know what? Let me back up a little bit.

When I first started grocery shopping, everything was business as usual. It was a little dark outside, but I knew I could get it done quickly. I navigated the aisles like an Olympic skier trying to finish off my handwritten list and get through the check out line before the skies opened.

All was going according to plan until I came to the very last item on my list. I stared at it intently for a few minutes and finally just laughed out loud (maniacally, of course) at the mystery I’d created for myself. Then naturally, like any responsible adult caught in a tornado warning, I turned to Facebook and wrote this post.

In the interest of time and my own personal safety, I decided to dismiss it for the time being and ran to the check out line so I could get home as soon as possible. Imagine my surprise when, after loading bag after bag into my car in the pouring rain and then UNloading it all again at my house, I saw all the responses I’d gotten to that post. There I stood in my kitchen surrounded by saturated, distintegrating cardboard packaging. I was so wet that my underwear and bra were actually dripping. And all I could do was laugh.

Take a look.

You people are hilarious!!!

I should add that … for the record … my disgraceful, physician-writing-a-prescription-style handwriting is reserved only for personal things like grocery lists. My real penmanship is totally legible and has even been complimented on occasion.

Oh, and a few of you actually guessed right, by the way. The mystery grocery item on my list was in fact ….

For the record, I never figured it out at the store. But they were on sale (two for one!), so I guess fate … or the Winn-Dixie gods … intervened today.