Is it possible that I have some far-fetched concerns about my surgery on Thursday? Well …

I got my hair done yesterday. For whatever reason, it was one of the painfully non-essential things I decided was very essential that I must take care of before Thursday. Really, how embarrassing would it be for me to be lying there on the table with an inch of roots not to mention split ends and major unevenness in my layering because I impulsively took a stab at trimming it myself last week? (Please. I am nothing if not civilized.) So … I called my favorite husband and wife hair rescue team (Hi, B & N, if you’re reading!) and they were able to work me into their always busy schedules.

I should point out that, while I truly have no issues with grey (yet!), I do color my hair … prolifically. Yesterday, we took out numerous pink streaks and went for more of an all-over red. Well, two all-over reds, really. A brighter, Sangria-ish one on top and a plummy Burgundy one underneath. My hair is my palette and, unlike a tattoo, no craziness I do to it will ever be permanent. Anyway, just as I was wrapping up with B, he mentioned that I should avoid all white towels around my hair for a while. Having colored my hair on and off since I was a teenager, I am no stranger to the staining effects that hair color, especially RED, can have on light-colored towels, sheets, necklines of clothing, etc.

But I bet not everyone at the hospital knows about this mysterious phenomenon.

What if my freshly-colored tresses leach out onto my hospital pillowcase? And what if it doesn’t happen until the surgery is underway and I can’t speak for myself? And then one of the nurses spots the red discoloration on the pillow … and mistakes it for blood … and thinks that my brain is hemorrhaging. And then the doctor yells out “Code Blue! Get me a neurologist. Stat!” … who of course will not be able to explain the ‘bleeding’ … and will announce that he needs to “take over this OR” for his surgical team. And then the two doctors will start arguing over “whose damned OR it is.” And, by then, my anesthesia will likely have worn off … just as one or both of them start coming at me with a scalpel. And I’ll be all “Wait, dudes! It’s not blood. It’s plummy Sangria hair dye!” And they’d be like “You don’t know what you’re talking about, crazy woman! Your brain is bleeding.” At which point, I’ll have to try to make a run for it to flee the lunacy of the OR and a very unwanted brain surgery. But, knowing me, I’ll trip over my loose gown ties that I cavalierly left undone earlier that morning thinking “What am I afraid of … that I might try to jump up from the table and run out of the OR? Sheesh!” Which, ironically, is exactly the story I’ll have to tell the next doctor I now need to see to tend to the injuries I sustained from the whole flight-from-the-OR-over-a-blood/hair-dye-mix-up.

Maybe I should just wash my hair a few times before Thursday to cut down on the possibility of the above catastrophe becoming a reality.

What?!!? It could happen.


7 responses to “Is it possible that I have some far-fetched concerns about my surgery on Thursday? Well …

  1. This is why we have a wonderful friend called Xanax. Need a few?

  2. Love that you’re potential drama is turning into a sitcom.
    I see Sigourney Weaver as you, Viggo Mortensen as your husband and Danny Devito as the foul-mouthed but caring surgeon.

  3. Some people would say you’re letting your imagination run wild. I think when you’re going in for major surgery, you can never be too prepared. And part of preparing is thinking of all potential problems, then doing whatever you can to mitigate them. You should definitely forgo the red hair coloring this week, because that crazy scene in the OR is not something you want to deal with!

    One more thing: when you leave the gown untied, that’s not being cavalier, it’s being an exhibitionist. Grwwow… be-HAVE!

  4. LMAO! … as a former OR person, I don’t think you will have to be worrying about any of this (well, except the arguing doctors in the middle of the OR, lol! I once saw a doctor jump up and down because he was so mad at his circulating nurse – who was arguing with him about where he wanted his Bovie setting. He never broke scrub, but wanted to strangle her something fierce …). Be more worried about having any identifying marks on your body discussed as the topic at lunch. And if you do come out of anesthesia early by some weird stroke of fate, please don’t run off. You will be naked, as the gown will be re-positioned after you are out to expose the surgical site. And you’ll be wearing a hair cover… no worries. 🙂

  5. A hair cover? Do those come in designer styles? Will she get her choice in colors? Maybe she should bring her own just incase the hospital doesn’t have one that is flattering for her features. At least a hair cover will save her from the awful ponytail disaster we all know is coming. (Btw if you see me in the morning, I’ll be wearing the same ponytail disaster at morning drop off.)

  6. I should have commented earlier, but I’ve been at school all day. Elizabeth stole my line. The bleeding hair dye concerns are all for nought since you’ll be wearing one of those oh-so-flattering paper shower caps and no one will even see your lovely new shades of red. At least this won’t be what keeps you awake for the next 3 nights!! Even for hand surgery, the cap goes on!!

    By the way, I have a stash of Xanax if extras are needed.

    Good luck and God speed on Thursday,

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