At exactly 2:23am this morning, the following message was sent to me:
I thought about it a lot, but followed up with this firm but kind refusal:
Dear Selection Committee for this Ominous Position,
Okay, first of all … What the hell, man?
Can I just say that I feel GREAT PRESSURE to save the Earth for a Monday morning?!!?
Why am I the “only one” who can prevent this “extinction?” (Yes, you DO hear whining in my voice!) Geez, even on a fat day, I’m still only about 120 pounds. And if you ever heard me say I was 5’4,” then I was lying. I’m 5’3.75″ at best. Plus, um, I get winded pretty easily. Ooh, and don’t even get me started on bruising. I am like a banana when I so much as brush against the footboard of my bed.
Is this appeal coming to me because of all the Hunger Games/Katniss nonsense I’ve been putting out there? Dude, there is a real difference between reading about powerful females and actually being one.
So, to whomever is in charge of tapping a ‘Commander Shepard,’ PLEASE KEEP LOOKING. I am whole heartedly disinterested. I’ve already got my hands full with two kids, a husband (a term many women would liken to a third child. Ladies, am I right?), a cat who can’t decide if he really likes me or not and, you know, lots of other stuff. I wouldn’t have the first idea who to call to form these so-called “alliances.” Neptune? Jupiter? I don’t know anybody on those planets. I’m still working off basic cable and a couple of VCRs in this house. Seriously, I really think you’ve got the wrong guy here.
It’s true. I can spin a good tale from time to time. But what good is that going to do all of us really when our bodies are somehow suspended in time while the ‘Reapers’ attempt to replicate and/or alter our DNA? (See! I know nothing about science fiction. I can’t even come up with a good illustration of what they’ll be able to do to us with me in charge.)
My point? I can’t emphasize enough how inappropriate I am for this global responsibility. Perhaps you should consider someone better qualified like, I don’t know, Barack Obama …. Leon Panetta … or, ooh, even Clint Eastwood maybe. Or … if it has to be a woman … how about Queen Elizabeth … or Ellen DeGeneres? The common denominator of all of these people is that they are well-connected. They have resources. And people listen to them.
In summary, I’d really re-think the decision to put me in charge. Just my two cents. But if you need help finding someone else, this job sounds important enough that I’m happy to offer my assistance in recruiting someone. Else.
Thanks for asking though. You can’t imagine how flattered I am.
OMG….ok….Geek Alert…I know what Mass Effect is (though it is not my type of gaming genre – again, geek alert)…I think you need to go to their FB page and copy and paste this….fellow geeks would find this most epic….heck, they may even create a character of you for something of this level of awesomeness!
Done. What the heck? Good idea. 🙂
Great. So we all die now because you can’t handle the pressure. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
I don’t see YOU stepping up to eliminate this angry alien race.
Had I been the one to receive the original email…
How do you know you can’t do it unless you try? Maybe in space you won’t bruise as easily? Your 5’4 frame won’t matter. Everyone is weightless in space. You could fit into tighter alien space ship spaces and you could maneuver around obstacles better. Like he said, you have a perk of working with others or ditching them if they are annoying you. Maybe they have another position available that you could “work up to”. I mean…the pay for this this might be worth it? Did you inquire about the pay scale? Just some other things to consider.
My only advice is if they try to feed you purple berries, DO NOT EAT THEM!
I hadn’t thought about asking about an entry level world-domination position. Good idea. And I need to remember to ‘dress for the job I want’ when I go in for the interview. Thanks, Mel.
Oh yeah. Mass Effect. Good story and game. And Shepard can be either gender. He or she can’t switch back and forth. It’s not that kind of game.
Also, not all husbands are the kid in the couple. Like me for example.
Why do I think there’s a Mrs. Hotspur somewhere laughing her ass off?
Your ear is against my door?
You need to meet @Holly_Conrad:
She’s also featured in Morgan Spurlock’s documentary about Comic-Con because of her Mass Effect kickassness.
You need to meet @Holly_Conrad.
She kicks ass.
I actually tweeted her the link. Friend of yours?
Isn’t it weird how people always want you to do jobs you don’t want? Like cooking for example. If God wanted me to cook I’d be able to make more than just babies in my “oven”.
I have a double oven … and I just know there’s a joke in there somewhere. 🙂
Yeah, I’d better not touch that one. 😉
I think this will make someones Nathan Fillion obsession get a hard-on….
Well then, feel free to help spread the word, dear. I mean, SOMEONE’S gotta take this job … or we’re all in for a world of pain.
The aliens are going to be so disappointed! Oh well. Maybe you can lead the resistance the *next* time they come to take over the planet.
The word on the streets (the ALIEN streets, that is) is that they’re VERY disappointed because they knew that, with me at the helm, Earth was a sure thing.
Hey, I think you could handle being the world leader. You are a good writer, you have guts to stand up against people bullying you to be a world leader and…. Okay, that’s all I’ve got. Maybe “world leader” is too much. Ha! Your post made me smile. Thanks for linking it up to #findingthefunny last week!
That is the most bizarre email…EVER!!! I don’t even think I would’ve responded out of fear fireballs would start falling from the sky!
You really should have slept on it, Michele. Saving the world could mean mad page hits. You have to think big-picture here.
Hindsight, Eli, Hindsight. (sigh)
Next time – and when you do fight to save the world, can you get me a cush job in your regime?
OMG, that is hysterical!!!
Thank you. I try. 🙂