Monthly Archives: May 2014

A Funny Text Exchange (with one of the cutest kids I know)

Posted on May 30, 2014 | 12 comments

My daughter turned 12 recently (Happy Birthday, Vivien) which, as any ~~concerned~~ … ~~conscientious~~ … 20th century parent knows, means an annual trip to the pediatrician’s office. I still can’t believe I actually managed to take care of her well visit during her birth month. I don’t think I’ve done that since I used to carry her into the office in my arms. But I promised myself we wouldn’t be racing against the clock to see the doctor, the dentist, the orthodontist, the barber, the shoe salesman, etc. all in the month of August this year. So far I’ve knocked out, well, one … so don’t be too impressed.

Fortunately, all went well and we didn’t need any shots. So it was like Christmas. Or at least Labor Day. But … we still had to wait a while in the waiting room. In the very quiet waiting room. In the very quiet waiting room filled with lots of people we don’t know.

Have I mentioned that Vivien is a normal 12-year-old who dies of embarrassment with just about anything I say loud enough for a stranger to hear? (In her defense, I’ve been known to sing show tunes at full volume while walking through the grocery store. Oh, if only I were kidding.)

So there we sat, side by side in the bolted-to-the-floor, germ-unfriendly hardback chairs next to the oversized aquarium, passing on the Highlights Magazines in favor of our electronics. I was “busy” playing on social media when my phone vibrated with a text from the adorable 12-year-old girl sitting next to me who was tired of waiting her turn to do something she didn’t even want to do.

She’s a funny little monkey so we always have entertaining text correspondence. Even when she’s so close I can reach out and hug her.

This post was created in response to MamaKat’s writing prompt asking for “a recent text exchange that made you laugh.”

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Tagged annual well visit for my daughter, funny text exchanges, mamakat, mamakatslosinit, texting someone sitting right next to you

2014 Kids’ Summer Movies – Here’s What I Think of ‘Em

Posted on May 28, 2014 | 3 comments

School’s been out less than a week and I’ve already seen two summer movies. As an added bonus, neither one was animated. The truth? I’m actually a bit of a prude about the movies my kids see. Or so I’m told. But make no mistake about it. I don’t plan to change anytime soon.

Of course, since my kids are getting older, their movie choices are getting a little more “mature.” So I was intrigued when I got an email yesterday from Common Sense Media (with Kids-in-Mind, one of my two go-to parenting apps) entitled Kids’ Summer Movie Preview 2014. And I’m sharing it with you here, along with my uncharacteristically-brief-and-sometimes-meaningless-but-always-honest two cents.

Here we go.

2014 Summer Movie Preview

X-Men: Days of Future Past … Is Hugh Jackman in it? If not, I’ll save my money for a Starbucks Mint Green tea.

Maleficent … I totally want to see this one. I think Viv does, too. I’m really looking forward to seeing Mrs. Pitt in the role she was born to play.

Edge of Tomorrow … Tom Cruise, sci-fi, aliens … this movie has the perfect storm of yuck to keep me home in my pajamas.

The Fault in Our Stars … Why in the hell would you cast two actors who play siblings in one movie as young lovers in another movie that immediately follows it at the theater? The trailer even features a half-naked scene of these “siblings” messing around. (Shudder) Thanks, Hollywood. Since Viv is totally into Divergent, she’s now dying to see this likely inappropriate film.

How to Train Your Dragon 2 … The first one was (and I’m searching for the right word here) adequate. But frankly, I’m surprised to see a sequel was made for it. I guess it’s fine for a rainy day.

Think Like a Man Too … In reading the recap, I’m calling it The Hangover Junior. And in case anyone forgets how I feel about that movie, this.

Transformers: Age of Extinction … I didn’t see the first one. So how on EARTH would I possibly follow this movie? I would be totally lost. Guess I’ll have to pass. (sigh)

Earth to Echo … It’s being compared to E.T. which, while likely ambitious, intrigues me. I might have to check this one out. (ODNT Trivia: I secretly saw An Officer & A Gentleman when I said I was going to see E.T. for the second time.)

And So It Goes … Michael Douglas? Diane Keaton? Will someone please explain to me how this is being billed as a kids’ movie? Sure, *I’ll* probably see it. WITH MY MOM!

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes … Talking gorillas conspiring to take over the world? These movies have always nauseated me. As in they literally make me queasy. I’m out.

Jupiter Ascending … Words that displeased me in the description: “The Matrix,” “futuristic,” “sci-fi,” “Channing Tatum,” “genetically engineered,” “alien bounty hunter,” and “queen of the universe.” I don’t know that I’ll even be able to set foot in a movie theater where this movie is playing.

Planes: Fire & Rescue … This movie is a sequel to a movie that stole its identity from another movie. I haven’t even seen it yet and I’m already sick of it.

Hercules … Truly, this is NOT my kind of movie. But … as long as I’m being honest … I should probably confess that I have a bit of a crush on Mr. Dwayne Johnson. He’s just so darn likable. So if the kids ask to see it, well … (blush)

Step Up: All In … This looks like those Bring It On cheerleading movies. Which means NO.

Magic in the Moonlight … While it seems like a terrible idea to let my kids anywhere near something that has to do with Woody Allen, there’s no denying that the man has generated some quality theater. Add that to the fact that I see names like Emma Stone, Colin Firth and Marcia Gay Harden and I’d say it’s a strong maybe. But only for my teenager.

Get On Up … Think Ray. Or Walk the Line. Except it’s James Brown. I don’t really see it as a kids’ movie but I might still take it in. WITH MY DAD!

Guardians of the Galaxy … It’s about “a band of alien misfits.” (blank stare) Next!

Into the Storm … It promises to offer a “realistic-looking natural disaster.” More specifically, a tornado. “Viewers sensitive to catastrophic weather may want to stay away.” I’m a Katrina victim and I still think I want to see it. Guess I’m a freak.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles … Not for all the cheese in France.

The Hundred-Foot Journey … It has promise. Perhaps. It’s directed by Lasse Hallstrom of Chocolat fame. (Love that movie, by the way.) And, like the Johnny Depp film, it’s also very culinary. Apparently, that’s one of Mr. Hallstrom’s propensities.

The Giver … The write-up looks interesting, but complicated. Of course, right when I was about to dismiss it as TOO complicated for my tiny brain, I saw that Taylor Swift was among the cast members. So, seriously, how complicated could it be?

If I Stay … I just saw a trailer for this movie. And it looked interesting, but sad. And way dark. I got a Lovely Bones vibe. I highly doubt I’ll be taking the kids.

When the Game Stands Tall … It’s a “feel-good sports movie” and thus maybe something I can do with my son. Game on, WTGST!

Underdogs … Martial arts? (You can’t see me but I’m just shaking my head right now.)

Jessabelle … This HORROR movie (which takes place in my home state … awesome!) looks totally inappropriate for kids of ANY age. In fact, I’m pretty sure it would scare the shit of out me. Can I say shit in a post about kids’ movies? Well, I just did. Because it’s THAT inappropriate.

Anyway, I hope I helped.

Even if it was only a little.

And now, from Gene Shalit’s magnificent moustache and me …

SEE YOU AT THE MOVIES!

What?!!? You don’t know who Gene Shalit is? (expression of disgust) I’m sorry. I can’t even LOOK at you right now.

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Tagged and so it goes, common sense media, dawn of the planet of the apes, earth to echo, edge of summer, gene shalit, get on up, guardians of the galaxy, hercules, how to train your dragon 2, if i stay, into the storm, jupiter ascending, kids summer movie preview 2014, Kids-in-Mind, magic in the moonlight, maleficent, planes: fire & rescue, step up: all in, teenage mutant ninja turtles, the fault of our stars, the giver, the hundred-foot journey, think like a man too, transformers: age of extinction, x-men: days of future past

12 Reasons I Love My Daughter

Posted on May 21, 2014 | 23 comments

Dear Vivien,

As I sit at my computer on the eve of your twelfth birthday, I find myself completely dumbfounded about how we got here. Was it really twelve years ago that your dad and I packed our bags, left your big brother in the care of his loving grandmother and made the life-changing journey to the hospital to bring our sweet baby girl into the world? Your dad remembers a slightly less perfect picture involving me flying down the hall in a wheelchair screaming at the nurse, “I don’t care if you have to give it to me in my EYE! Just get me the epidural!”

PoTAYto, PoTAHto.

Either way, May 21st is forever burned in my memory as one of the best, most meaningful days of my life. So how do I even begin to express how important you are to me? Well, since you’re 12 today, I thought I’d share one thing I love about you to represent each year of your life. Otherwise, we’d all be here forever. And I’d eventually have to pee.

Twelve Reasons I Love You, Vivien

1. Your first word wasn’t Mama or Dada or even Elmo. It was broccoli. Which you spoke beautifully from the very first time you said it.

2. You sang louder (and a full octave higher) than anyone in your class at your school’s closing program when you were three.

3. You actually beg to go to bed when you’re tired and have been doing so since you were four. (We never experienced that before you.)

4. Your teachers have always described you with words like “warm” and “creative.” Or “She could make friends with a sock” and “While the whole class is going clockwise to get to an answer, she goes counterclockwise and often beats everyone else there.”

5. You wore my Annie costume (made by my grandmother, your GREAT grandmother) when you performed Tomorrow in your school’s talent show.

6. You actually crave things like sashimi, Brie, fig paste and high-end chocolate … pretty much all the time.

7. You like to write stories that are interesting and always offer a surprise twist somewhere along the way.

8. You give your pets names like Kevin, Bubba Chubba and Herve.

9. You love theater, specifically musical theater, just as much as I do. And you learn the full score of complicated productions like Les Miserables after only a few listenings.

10. You can watch the same beloved movies with me over and over again, singing the scores (unless there are none, in which case we make up our own) at full volume every single time.

11. You actually cry for joy when you are truly moved. That doesn’t usually happen with most people until they’re much older.

12. You appreciate and even embrace your own uniqueness.

“Dean’s the good one, but *I’m* the FUN one!” – Vivien, on the difference between her brother and herself

“You’re my best girl and nothing you do is wrong, I’m proud you belong to me; And if a day is rough for me, Having you there’s enough for me. And if someday another girl comes along, It won’t take her long to see, That I’ll still be found, just hanging around My best girl.”

– From Broadway’s Mame

From Olan Mills Baby of the Week to now … you’ll always be my best girl.

Love, Mom

Per MamaKat’s writing prompt asking for something inspired by the word “sweet.” As in my sweet baby girl.

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Something I “got away with” as a kid (plus a BlogHop)

Posted on May 15, 2014 | 9 comments

It’s time for Ketchup With Us. Hosted by Mel and me on the 1st & 15th each month, the link-up gives you TWO ways to play: (A) Write about ANYTHING for 10 minutes straight without stopping OR (B) Link up an old post. I’m an indecisive pain in the ass so I always do both!

The year was 1980-something. And I was having a sleepover with one of my best friends named … wait, I shouldn’t actually call her by her real name, should I? Well, let’s just call her Bolleen. A few weeks earlier, Bolleen and I had decided we wanted to try to sneak out in the middle of the night after everyone had fallen asleep.

So we spent weeks planning our big escape. Should we use the front door? No, it was too close to my parents’ bedroom. The back door? The side door? No, both of their locks were sticky and we’d surely create too much of a ruckus and wake up my very light-sleeping dad.

Maybe a window. Yes, that’s it. We could sneak out through the big bay window in the breakfast room. But not the one on the left. One of its springs was broken and it made such a loud popping noise every time you opened it that we would’ve woken up my parents, the neighbors and possibly a few families in the next zip code if we attempted it.

Fortunately, the other window was whisper quiet when you slid it open. In the weeks prior, I checked it a few times during the day when no one was around. I just needed to remember to leave it unlocked before we went to bed that night so that the flipping of the lever wouldn’t wake anyone. Never mind the fact that I was leaving us all open to the wrath of any and all escaped axe murderers in the area.

I was on a mission.

Now back to the big night. Bolleen came over for our sleepover and we pretended to go to sleep and waited everyone out until sometime after midnight. Then, we quickly changed from our pajamas into the all-black ensembles we’d preselected for the occasion. Our only references back then were from goofball comedies like Laverne & Shirley.

Now fully clad in black (including dance tights), we snuck out of my room and down the stairs. That whole run was carpeted. No problem. Then, we rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs from the foyer into the den. At that moment, we were about exactly ten feet from my sleeping father. If we could survive this part, we could survive any part of the night.

Done.

We crept through the carpeted den and into the breakfast room over to the unlocked-by-me-earlier-that-afternoon window and took turns stepping through it into the garden just outside. Then, we walked around the back of the house, through the side gate and into the driveway.

We’d done it. Surely, it was at least one in the morning by now. We were outside. All by ourselves.

And we were free!!!!!

(awkward pause) (blink, blink)

Of course, being kids, we hadn’t really thought about anything beyond that point. I don’t think either of us actually expected to get that far. So we both stared at each other for a moment or two. What we were going to do? Where were we going to go? We had no plans. We had no cars. We didn’t even have driver’s licenses.

We were only children after all. So we just sat in the driveway a few minutes to revel in the glory of our “rebellion,” then we climbed back in through the window, changed clothes and went to bed. And no one but Bolleen and me ever even knew about this little story. Until now.

Oops.

In response to MamaKat’s prompt asking for “something you got away with.”

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer from last time is …

Kir

BEHIND THE KETCHUP

Click here to read how this foolishness all began.

KEEP TRACK OF OUR STUPIDITY

Facebook (Michele /Mel)
Twitter (Michele/Mel)
Instagram (Michele/Mel)
Pinterest (Michele/Mel)

SPREAD THE WORD & POST OUR BUTTON … please!

olddognewtits.com

FINALLY … THE LINK-UP!

WE give you a (completely non sequitor) picture to inspire you to KetchupWithUs.

All YOU need to do is link something up.

And, for the love of Taco Bell’s new Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

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Tagged according to mags, blog hop, ketchup with us, laverne and shirley, link up, link up an old post, mamakat, mel, prompt 42, sneaking out of the house as a kid, something you got away with, two women wearing ketchup costumes, woman wearing a ketchup costume, write for ten minutes without stopping, writing prompt

Just Call Me Janet Jackson

Posted on May 9, 2014 | 8 comments

Who? Me.

What? My dress.

Where? Senior Prom.

When? Seriously, stop asking me so many stupid questions.

(obnoxious harp music indicating a flashback)

I still remember finding that dress in the store. I think it was at a likely-defunct little cheesehole called 5-7-9. It was white. It was lacy. And it had the biggest sleeves I had ever seen.

I just had to have it.

So I grabbed two different sizes and went into the dressing room. They both worked, but one was a little tight and the other a little loose. Hmmm. Do I get the big one and risking making mySELF look bigger? Or do I vow to drop a few pounds and buy the smaller one?

Enter teenage dysfunction.

Duh. Crash diet. Plus whenever you can get a smaller size, you should get a smaller size. Right? Of course, right. I just knew I’d made the right choice as I gazed at my profile in the mirror, stomach sucked in tightly.

Flash forward to prom night.

I don’t recall what drastic measures I took to lose weight … or if I even remembered to do so. All I remember is my prom night itself. I put on my beloved white dress and inexplicably pink shoes then styled my hair. Thanks to my trusty hot rollers, it was almost as big as my sleeves. I looked good. (If we were speaking in person right now, you’d be able to hear the sarcasm in my voice.)

My date arrived and we took the obligatory pictures by the fireplace. I told my parents goodbye and headed out the door. On the way to the car, the heel on one of my (still inexplicably) pink shoes caught on something. I started to look down but my date stopped me … in an urgent kind of way. “Whatever you do, don’t … look … down.” He was looking directly at me and he seemed very serious so I obediently maintained my forward gaze.

“What is it?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

“Do you really want to know?” he asked, fiddling with my shoe and tossing something into the bushes.

“I … think so,” I said, not really sure I was making the right choice.

“It was a frog,” he said. “A frog kebab.”

My heel had impaled the little amphibian.

I have no idea what I said here. I’m guessing it was something like “Gross!” Then, he wiped his hands on his pants (or the grass, I don’t remember) and we got into the car to meet everyone else for dinner.

The restaurant was packed with my friends and their dates. I think it was a Chinese place. We had a huge room and were all gathered around a big table. The food and the company were great. We were a page out of the Big Book of Group Prom Dates. Everything was going just as I expected.

Then something catastrophic happened.

Especially to a 17-year-old.

Maybe it was because it was the first time I’d allowed myself solid food in a while. Maybe it was because I (like every other girl there) was a social butterfly getting up and down to talk to everyone. Or maybe it was because I’d actually made the wrong choice a few weeks earlier at 5-7-9.

I could feel it starting to tear, ripping right along the seams in the bodice. The dress was two layers. Lace on top and thin silk-like fabric on the bottom. Silk-like fabric that now had two gaping holes in it that literally exposed my bare midriff. (I was so ahead of my time.)

I panicked. What in the hell was I going to do? After leaning over (very carefully) to confer with a few friends, we decided that the best course of action was for me to borrow another dress from the girl who lived closest to the restaurant. Her house was literally 5 minutes away. Mine was more like 25.

I fought the urge to cry (remember: teenager) and agreed to the plan. I don’t know what excuse we gave to everyone for needing to run to her house or if everyone just secretly knew behind my back. But, in any event, I was outfitted with a new prom dress, still white but minus the gigantic sleeves, within minutes.

But I was not happy.

THIS wasn’t the dress I had carefully selected … and purchased inexplicably pink shoes for … and planned to wear all evening. And thus (confession) I spent some time crying in the bathroom once we arrived at the dance. (It’s a good thing my date and I had been going out a while. He was actually pretty understanding about everything.)

My friends finally convinced me to come out and take the stupid picture. They all took a really fun picture together as a big group. But I refused to participate in that one. Just in case I hated it, I didn’t want everyone else to have their own copy. So I just took one with my date.

And you know what? Looking back, I realize that the second dress I wore that evening was actually WAY cuter than the first one. Go figure.

Please pardon the Kelly Kapowski-wideness of my face.

Oh, and I still have that stupid ripped dress in a box in my attic. It never really got to meet its potential. Maybe one day I’ll use it as a Halloween costume.

Today’s post was brought to you by MamaKat’s writing prompt asking for a story about a wardrobe malfunction.

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Happy Cinco de …. Well, you’ll see

Posted on May 5, 2014 | Leave a comment

I have not one drop of Mexican blood in me. But I have been there four times in my lifetime. And the fact that they put queso (that means cheese, gringos) on everything is just ducky with me. And I do love a good, salty margarita. Oooh, and guacamole. (drool)

So my family will be celebrating Cinco de Milo tonight with a traditional Mexican feast. I’ll be cooking for mi esposo, mis niños, Abuela, Abuelo and, of course, Señor Milo. (Don’t be impressed. I used a translator for ALL of that.)

Of course, we like to customize our celebration. But just a little …

Need some ideas for your fiesta? I just wrote a little article on that very subject with my friend, Mel. Read it here.

Ketchup With Us #BlogHop 41

Posted on May 1, 2014 | 9 comments

It’s time for Ketchup With Us. Hosted by Mel and me on the 1st & 15th each month, the link-up gives you TWO ways to play: (A) Write for ten straight minutes about whatever pops into your head OR (B) Link up an old post. I’m an overachieving pain in the ass so I chose to do both!

I’m doing a weird thing today. I’m hosting my own writing prompt by answering the prompt of another. You guys remember MamaKat, right? Well, she’s asking us to “list 10 things you love about your favorite show.”

TV. (happy sigh) That seems easy enough.

Of course, first I need to pick a show. And with so many favorites over the years ranging from Arrested Development to The X-Files, this decision might prove harder than I thought. Nah. I’m going with Modern Family. Because it airs currently and is likely the show with which most of you will identify. Or, if you haven’t seen it, you’ll take my recommendation and watch it at your very next opportunity. So, without futher ado, here are …

Ten Things I Love About Modern Family:

Cam
Mitch
Jay
Gloria
Manny
Phil
Claire
Hayley
Alex
Luke

(Sorry, Lily. The prompt only asked for 10. Plus, at only six, you haven’t fully grown into your funny yet. But, with these talented thespians surrounding you, I expect big things in your future.)

The show makes me laugh. Consistently. To the extent that I often quote it in mixed company. When people get it, we form an immediate bond. When they don’t, I’m branded a lunatic.

So, don’t go anywhere, Modern Family. I’m not done with you yet.