School’s been out less than a week and I’ve already seen two summer movies. As an added bonus, neither one was animated. The truth? I’m actually a bit of a prude about the movies my kids see. Or so I’m told. But make no mistake about it. I don’t plan to change anytime soon.

Of course, since my kids are getting older, their movie choices are getting a little more “mature.” So I was intrigued when I got an email yesterday from Common Sense Media (with Kids-in-Mind, one of my two go-to parenting apps) entitled Kids’ Summer Movie Preview 2014. And I’m sharing it with you here, along with my uncharacteristically-brief-and-sometimes-meaningless-but-always-honest two cents.

Here we go.

2014 Summer Movie Preview

X-Men: Days of Future Past … Is Hugh Jackman in it? If not, I’ll save my money for a Starbucks Mint Green tea.

Maleficent … I totally want to see this one. I think Viv does, too. I’m really looking forward to seeing Mrs. Pitt in the role she was born to play.

Edge of Tomorrow … Tom Cruise, sci-fi, aliens … this movie has the perfect storm of yuck to keep me home in my pajamas.

The Fault in Our Stars … Why in the hell would you cast two actors who play siblings in one movie as young lovers in another movie that immediately follows it at the theater? The trailer even features a half-naked scene of these “siblings” messing around. (Shudder) Thanks, Hollywood. Since Viv is totally into Divergent, she’s now dying to see this likely inappropriate film.

How to Train Your Dragon 2 … The first one was (and I’m searching for the right word here) adequate. But frankly, I’m surprised to see a sequel was made for it. I guess it’s fine for a rainy day.

Think Like a Man Too … In reading the recap, I’m calling it The Hangover Junior. And in case anyone forgets how I feel about that movie, this.

Transformers: Age of Extinction … I didn’t see the first one. So how on EARTH would I possibly follow this movie? I would be totally lost. Guess I’ll have to pass. (sigh)

Earth to Echo … It’s being compared to E.T. which, while likely ambitious, intrigues me. I might have to check this one out. (ODNT Trivia: I secretly saw An Officer & A Gentleman when I said I was going to see E.T. for the second time.)

And So It Goes … Michael Douglas? Diane Keaton? Will someone please explain to me how this is being billed as a kids’ movie? Sure, *I’ll* probably see it. WITH MY MOM!

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes … Talking gorillas conspiring to take over the world? These movies have always nauseated me. As in they literally make me queasy. I’m out.

Jupiter Ascending … Words that displeased me in the description: “The Matrix,” “futuristic,” “sci-fi,” “Channing Tatum,” “genetically engineered,” “alien bounty hunter,” and “queen of the universe.” I don’t know that I’ll even be able to set foot in a movie theater where this movie is playing.

Planes: Fire & Rescue … This movie is a sequel to a movie that stole its identity from another movie. I haven’t even seen it yet and I’m already sick of it.

Hercules … Truly, this is NOT my kind of movie. But … as long as I’m being honest … I should probably confess that I have a bit of a crush on Mr. Dwayne Johnson. He’s just so darn likable. So if the kids ask to see it, well … (blush)

Step Up: All In … This looks like those Bring It On cheerleading movies. Which means NO.

Magic in the Moonlight … While it seems like a terrible idea to let my kids anywhere near something that has to do with Woody Allen, there’s no denying that the man has generated some quality theater. Add that to the fact that I see names like Emma Stone, Colin Firth and Marcia Gay Harden and I’d say it’s a strong maybe. But only for my teenager.

Get On Up … Think Ray. Or Walk the Line. Except it’s James Brown. I don’t really see it as a kids’ movie but I might still take it in. WITH MY DAD!

Guardians of the Galaxy … It’s about “a band of alien misfits.” (blank stare) Next!

Into the Storm … It promises to offer a “realistic-looking natural disaster.” More specifically, a tornado. “Viewers sensitive to catastrophic weather may want to stay away.” I’m a Katrina victim and I still think I want to see it. Guess I’m a freak.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles … Not for all the cheese in France.

The Hundred-Foot Journey … It has promise. Perhaps. It’s directed by Lasse Hallstrom of Chocolat fame. (Love that movie, by the way.) And, like the Johnny Depp film, it’s also very culinary. Apparently, that’s one of Mr. Hallstrom’s propensities.

The Giver … The write-up looks interesting, but complicated. Of course, right when I was about to dismiss it as TOO complicated for my tiny brain, I saw that Taylor Swift was among the cast members. So, seriously, how complicated could it be?

If I Stay … I just saw a trailer for this movie. And it looked interesting, but sad. And way dark. I got a Lovely Bones vibe. I highly doubt I’ll be taking the kids.

When the Game Stands Tall … It’s a “feel-good sports movie” and thus maybe something I can do with my son. Game on, WTGST!

Underdogs … Martial arts? (You can’t see me but I’m just shaking my head right now.)

Jessabelle … This HORROR movie (which takes place in my home state … awesome!) looks totally inappropriate for kids of ANY age. In fact, I’m pretty sure it would scare the shit of out me. Can I say shit in a post about kids’ movies? Well, I just did. Because it’s THAT inappropriate.

Anyway, I hope I helped.

Even if it was only a little.

And now, from Gene Shalit’s magnificent moustache and me …