Last night, I made a huge mistake.
My 13-year-old daughter and I are at the end of a three-month trial subscription to Netflix. It’s been great. We’ve enjoyed more than a dozen movies and counting. And don’t get me started on our Fuller House marathon a few weekends ago. (Please. You love Uncle Jesse as much I do and you know it.)
So, it was with wide-eyed innocence that I selected yet another movie title last night for us to enjoy together. The premise seemed a little dumb but I’ve watched dumber. (Anyone remember Andrew McCarthy’s Mannequin?) Plus it was rated PG … so how bad could it be … right?
I couldn’t find a traditional trailer. Probably because the movie budget didn’t provide for it. Just don’t listen to this critic’s enthusiasm. He was clearly bribed. Or drunk.
Never mind the fact that I find both of the lead actors totally unappealing, the entire movie is about a paunchy old Frenchman romantically entangled with an 18 … I mean 16 … I mean 14-year-old girl. Several references are actually made to her sleeping with him. Oh, and did I mention that THEY ARE FATHER AND DAUGHTER?!!?
(I’ll wait while you get a glass of water to rinse the vomit taste out of your mouth.)
I kept looking for something to tell me I’d misread the movie rating … or a disclaimer about it being released straight to video … or the credits to list infamous director Roman Polanski! But no. This movie was released as a family film in 1994 by none other than Touchstone Pictures, an American film distribution label of Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.
(sound of needle scratching across record)
Katherine Heigl plays a spoiled, fourteen year old girl who lies about her dad being her lover (is there any worse word in the English language?) to win the affections of an older boy. And if THAT isn’t gross enough for you, the movie offers many other stomach-challenging moments. To name only a few …
- Heigl’s entire (14-year-old!) ass hanging out of the worst bathing suit ever created which (because she is 14!) her mother obviously purchased for her.
- And speaking of naked … Gerard Depardieu appears wearing nothing but boxer shorts or swim trunks … WAY too much for my comfort level.
- The long-frizzy-haired, uber-creepy, axe murderer dude we see preying on (14-year-old!) Heigl several times and asking to “take pictures” of her. I think he was actually cast in the movie to make Depardieu seem less disgusting.
- As Heigl spins her unbelievable yarns about her lover/dad, she actually acknowledges that they have to claim to be father and daughter because of all the “stupid laws and stuff.” (“Hello, Walt? Can you hear me? Your corporate empire has created a comic family romp on the subject of statutory rape. Freaky Friday, this is not.”)
- And most of all, let’s not ignore the fact that KATHERINE HEIGL’S CHARACTER IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR … A SOCIOPATH. (Witness my psychology minor at work.) That kid needs so many hours of therapy she might not have time to brush her teeth anymore.
And if none of this mere sampling of ridiculous moments is enough for you, there’s the fact that …. once enlightened that his daughter has made the entire island believe him to be a raging pedophile … DEPARDIEU ACTUALLY GOES ALONG WITH IT … to help his (14-year-old!) daughter hook up with the local dude. The local, 17-year-old dude. The local, 17-year-old dude who was actually turned on by the fact that she was sleeping with an old man.
Ladies and gentleman, this is one hour and twenty-nine minutes that I will never, ever get back. Thanks, Touchstone, for releasing this family-friendly, PG-rated, super gross movie that I could show my 13-year-old daughter. Fortunately for me, she’s smart enough to have laughed and made fun of it right alongside me THE ENTIRE TIME.
We cast our votes on Rotten Tomatoes the second the credits rolled. (Shudder)