I’m finishing up another show with my girl. What a great experience it’s been for both of us. Of course, there are always things upon which I could improve. So, like last year, I’ve taken the liberty of keeping a list of helpful hints for the next time she and I take the stage together.

For the record, Viv … I can’t wait.

1. At my age, there’s a very fine line between stage makeup and the drag queen effect. I’m pretty sure I crossed it at least half the nights. Oh, how I fear the performance video. In a I’ve-just-seen-Psycho-and-I-now-need-to-take-a-shower kind of way.

2. And while I’m on the subject of make-up, I wish the gifted engineers who make lip stain would share their secret with the incompetent boobs who make nail polish. Every night when I get home, I need to rub that shi- … (wait! kids from the show might be reading this) stuff off with industrial sandpaper.

3. There are a GREAT many things on the list of foods I can’t eat before a show. Among them so far … jambalaya, shrimp, chowder, lasagna, cannelloni, Mexican food, a shi- (dang it! … the kids) boatload of cheese. Only Tic Tacs agree with me in those valuable hours leading up to a performance. (How have I not lost weight during this show???)

4. If there are moments in the show where you are suddenly expected to freeze in an expressive position so as not to draw attention from a spotlighted soloist, do not freeze with your mouth open while facing downward. Gravity + saliva = your worst enemies.

5. When going to the bathroom during the show in costume, always check when you’re done to see if the back of your skirt is tucked into your scuba suit of undergarments. I cannot stress this enough.

6. And while we’re on THAT subject, a heavy sweater over another sweater over a dress over a leotard … in New Orleans … in June? Well, there’s simply not enough deodorant in the world.

7. Making young people laugh and break character on stage is easier than one would think. (Oops.)

8. Take every opportunity you can to pee. (See #5) You never know when the urge is going to hit and it’s the last thing you need distracting you on stage. And know that even something as benign as a smoothie for dinner can be trouble (per #3) as it will result in a record-setting night for bathroom visitations. My personal best for the 2.5 hour show is 14. I should probably see a doctor about that.

9. Blue suede shoes are a surprisingly uncomfortable and unsupportive choice in footwear. I’m thinking that THIS had something to do with all the flailing Elvis exhibited back in the day. Think about it. Fat Elvis dumped the shoes for a jumpsuit and did you ever see him flail again? No. Because his feet were finally happy. Of course, I think this is when the whole arm windmill thing started. And THAT was probably because his bedazzled pajamas were too tight.

10. It is astonishingly difficult to hang on to a slippery bible while dancing and wearing old lady church gloves. Next time you run into one of these feisty women, I suggest challenging her to a thumb war. And be prepared to have your butt kicked. (Whew, I almost said ass. Then I remembered the kids. Nice save, Michele.)

11. If you leave your phone unattended in a room full or teen/tweens, you can and should expect changed ringtones … new screen savers … and entire photo albums of these.

         

I love these kids. Every one of them. For realz, yo. (Can I pull that off? Too late.)

---

June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!