Five Ways to Keep Milo from Eating the Dwarf Hamster (by ODNT, Jr.)

My girl’s really starting to build her case for the stupid dwarf hamster I wrote about earlier this week. I think she’s even started interviewing sitters for when we’re out of town later this summer. And I’m sure her friends’ mothers will be lining up to take our family rodent into their homes for a week!

Now, bear in mind, we have not yet given her an answer. So, in an effort to address one of my biggest concerns, she designed this overtly pro-hamster propaganda and slipped it to me this morning.


She makes a compelling argument but …

The last I checked THIS WAS AMERICA! So, in the interest of democracy and … insuring “domestic tranquility” … and something about the 8th amendment which protects against “cruel and unusual punishment” (against me!), I offer the following rebuttal:

(1) Cover hamster in pizza sauce. Where there’s pizza sauce, there’s usually also cheese … which, as we all know, has a Svengalian hold on me. I cannot be held responsible for my actions where cheese is involved. So, while she may have solved her feline problem, she has ultimately created another. By associating the rodent with cheese, there are no guarantees that her mother, on a particularly dietarily-deprived day, could not also pose a threat to the small delicacy animal. Anyone know how many weight watchers points is in a hamster?

(2) Make hamster look scruffy and not delicious. As far as humans are concerned, this would seem an easy task (unless he’s covered in cheese … or possibly chocolate). As far as Milo is concerned, I can’t imagine that his feline tastes are so discerning that a little unkempt fur or stench of urine would hold him back. After all, I’ve seen him eat a roach.

(3) Close hamster room. Dear God, is she expecting us to dedicate an entire room to this smelly, little cotton ball? I don’t even have my own room. I wonder if I can convince her that a “room” is a rubbermaid container. Duh, with holes in the top. And kept in the toolshed.

(4) Close Milo in a room. Poor, poor, poor Milo. He’s put in his time and paid his dues around here for four years. Sure, we’ve all got a few scars that I treat with Mederma from when he was a kitten. And our furniture surfaces (also known as his landing strips) are all scratched up from his claws. And don’t get me started about the small fortune we pay to the vet for all of this check-ups, shots, flea prevention … where was I going with this one? Fine, whatever. Close him in a room. Duh, with holes in the door. And have it be the toolshed.

(5) Put too much food in Milo’s bowl so that he is always full. I see vomit. Loads and loads of cat vomit. And now I’m picturing the gluttony scene from the movie Seven. Gross. Wait, would this mean Brad Pitt would stop by to solve the mystery? Ooh, I’ve got an even better idea. If we can sub out “Brad Pitt” for “Johnny Depp” and “solve the mystery” for “mop up the cat vomit,” then we’ve got a deal!

I just know this won’t be the last pro-vermin appeal I receive.Β (sigh)


38 responses to “Five Ways to Keep Milo from Eating the Dwarf Hamster (by ODNT, Jr.)

  1. I say you just let Milo eat the thing.

  2. First, you fit a lot of “things” in that tool shed.

    Second, I really like ODNT Jr.’s visuals in her picture (the pizza sauce on the hamsters head is my favorite).

    Third, I can’t stop laughing at your rebuttal. There are too many points to point out that are hilarious and then my reply would seem “rambly” and “crazy cat ladyish”…what did you just mumble? “Too late?”

    Fourth, does she have names picked out? Or is she going to wait to see what the little guy looks like first?

    Fifth, Tuck wants a Bearded Dragon in the WORST WAY. They live up to FOURTEEN YEARS. We threw him off course last year for his birthday, but now that damn birthday is coming around again in a few months (grrr) and so he is starting up again. Do you think they taxidermy Bearded Dragons?

  3. Reason #0 is that the O in Milo is spelled with a paw.
    Personally I wouldn’t have gotten past that πŸ™‚

  4. You could try and convince her that you need to put away funds for her law school tuition?? Fast forward 20 years and envision her in front of the Supreme Court arguing the merits of why all hamsters should be covered in pizza sauce! πŸ™‚

  5. I say stick to your guns! It all starts with that first hamster. Next thing you know, you’ve got a little lizard and a tree frog. Or 2 guinea pigs that give you asthma. Or worse yet the two gerbils that – don’t worry mom they’re both girls – became 20 gerbils in what seemed like a 3 month span.

  6. Look at you rebutting.

  7. I say get the girl the hamster. Look at all the great material you’ve gotten from just the idea of it.

    Obviously “Hammy’s” room is the girl’s room. Milo get’s yours.
    If you use lots of gel and mouse on the hamster to spkie the fur that should scare Milo for a hour or two.
    Pizza sauce bad. Ruins the carpet. Go with garlic instead.
    Weight watcher points are 2 if eaten whole 1 if cleaned first. Guilt points off the scale either way.
    Appeal to her inner greed and offer the girl a Corvette when she turns 16 instead. It’s safer in the long run.

    Good luck with your challenge and remember, Hamsters are habitrail forming.

  8. Ok, Michele…you said cheese. Now we need to take a trip to the St. James Cheese Company uptown so we can both ponder leaving our husbands for a wheel of creamy goodness! Lol!

    And, get the girl the hamster. She’s earned it with her lesson in creative writing and how to write an argumentative speech!

    • I have a gift certificate to St. James burning a hole in my purse. LOVE that place. Dave knows he’s been second to cheese for years!

      Oh, and the hamster? (shakes head & sighs) I know, Mindy. I know.

  9. I have no idea why my comment posted twice! Lol! I tried St. James’ cheese last year at the WYES Beer Tasting at UNO. I am shamed to admit that I have never made it there yet. I usually survive on Cracker Barrel cheese & cheese from Sam’s. Ok, now you feel sorry for me or never want to chat again! Lol! Oh! The shame! To live so close & never have gone must truly be a sin in some book written by either you or Jenny Lawson.

  10. Hysterical! I am not going to even tell you what happened with our hamster. There is probably over 50 points for a hamster, according to my WW calculator. I am in stitches over this post!

  11. We had a cat that LOVED tomato sauce, so that would not have been a deterrent for her!

  12. Oh my goodness! These are great! I loved them all. Thanks for sharing your daughter’s creativity!

    Danielle @ Royalegacy

  13. Found something at Claire’s today to solve your hamster issue at home. You’re welcome. As an added bonus they’re only $1.99 & probably won’t reproduce. I say probably since I didn’t think the Zombie Apocalypse would happen either & we’ve heard of 2 instances lately where people have eaten the faces off of other people so you never know. So if you buy two, keep them separated.

  14. Yesterday my whole family was grieving for our dog Sandy that died. She was 14 years old. In an effort to cheer ourselves up, my hubby wanted to go to Brewstock to buy some home brew beer making supplies for himself & I insisted that he bring me to St. James Cheese. I was in Cheese Heaven! Here’s my proof!

    • It really is the Garden of Eden. Next time you go, get a simple cheese board. They come in 3, 5 or 7 quantities. I used to get the 3 as it’s plenty for me … but it looks so much like an appetizer that people tend to eat off your plate. WITHOUT ASKING. So, now I’ve learned to order the 5 cheese board. I’m much less jumpy when others reach over to my food if I know I have enough for myself.

      Yes, I am very protective when it comes to my cheese.

  15. Scriptor Obscura

    She could always get this hamster here (and she could have as many of them as she likes! And they would never die and you’d never need to feed them or do anything with them except play and have fun with them (and even then only if you want to)):

    Heck, you can even get one or two for yourself as well (they’re free)…

    Here is the hamster:

    And you can get others too, including a dog, turtle, fish, heck, even penguins here:


    • I somehow missed this comment … and I LOVE it. Just wanted to let you know I’d be showing it to my girl tomorrow. If it satisfies her and gets me out of the dog hamster house, you and I are going out for drinks soon. πŸ™‚

  16. Fabulous poster and fabulous rebuttal! I will not be getting a cat OR a hamster, that’s how good this is.

    • “Well then, my work here is done!” – said the oddly-confident idiot with a cat lying across her chest while she googles information about socially acceptable rodents.

  17. Hilarious! You were one of the most-clicked at #findingthefunny. We’re featuring you tomorrow, and pinning this post! Thanks for linking up!

  18. Pingback: I Found Funny | Let Me Start By Saying…

  19. Snorting! If a hamster rated his own room around here, I too would have SERIOUS issues! πŸ˜‰

  20. So funny! Sadly our hamster did meet its final fate due to one of our cats — which ended up in our having to replace said hamster with two guinea pigs — bigger and less likely to be eaten πŸ™‚

  21. This was so cute! You know, I could really go for a chocolate-covered hamster right now…

    Thanks for linking this up to #findingthefunny last week!

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