candid camera | OldDogNewTits

First of all, please let me say … Holy Crap, you people have a lot of ideas! I feel great pressure in trying to be clever and pithy (I love that word but it always makes me sound like I have a lisp) around you now that I know how funny YOU are! And I want to thank you for your many, many, many tagline ideas … shared here as as well as on the ODNT Facebook and Twitter pages. I’m so flattered by all the entries and still haven’t quite decided where I’m going to land. Honestly, I’ll probably just grab one of them and toss it to Jenny at TheBloggess.com in the middle of the night. We all need to move on, right?

And speaking of … I was at Walgreen’s recently in search of the best scar prevention aid. Thanks to my selfish and uncooperative lung lining, I now have four incisions … three small and one medium … that I am looking to conceal with some sort of magical elixir that I don’t expect to work. And while I was searching for said snake oil, I came across something pretty bizarre right there in the aisles of my NOT RURAL local drugstore.

Vermont’s Original Bag Balm

It was clearly a skin product, as it was sitting there enjoying the good company of its shelf mates Nivea, Eucerin and even Gold Bond. And although it clearly lists the Dairy Association right there on the front of the tin, I cluelessly picked it up … mistaking its unique packaging for some high-end product that could solve the world’s skin problems.

Until I began reading the other sides of the tin.

“BAG BALM contains lanolin and stays on to provide moisturizing and softening.”

Well, your grammar is poor and you really need a noun in there but so far, so good. Tell me more, mysterious green tin.

“For pets, apply BAG BALM liberally to the affected area.”

What? Well, that’s weird. Milo wouldn’t want me anywhere near him with this stuff.

“For use on cows, thoroughly wash treated teats and udder with separate towels before each milking.”

What the … Oh, my God. What is this stuff? (Resisting urge to hurl at floor, but mesmerized by words on tin)

“To avoid contamination after each milking, bathe the udder with plenty of hot water, strip milk out and dry skin.”

Wait. I get it. I’m on Candid Camera right now, huh?

“Apply BAG BALM freely and massage gently with this proven ointment twice daily.”

Not a chance.

“This product contains no alcohol.”

Yes, but this person would contain it if she was ever crazy enough to try using it.

Its description says it’s for “chapped conditions and superficial abrasions.” It then goes on to say that “after each milking” you (and by that I mean YOU and most certainly not me) must “apply thoroughly and allow coating to remain on surface.” And there’s caution against using it on “deep puncture wounds.”

Yeah, not to worry, BAG BALM. You lost me at thoroughly washing the “treated teats.”