Today’s Weight … 121.8

Okay. That’s nearly three pounds. And I will so take it.

Don’t get it? Check this post.

My face is hot. Like I can literally feel it flushed from within. I think it’s the fact that I’ve been leaking little drips and drabs of how I’m feeling lately and am painfully aware, embarrassed and fearful of the repercussions of such honesty. But why am I freaking out about this now … after five months of boob talk, breast exams, bra size confessions, exposed inner fears about surgery, yada, yada, yada. … Why am I panicking now?

I guess sharing the fact that you grapple with depression … and that you’re in the throes of one of your “episodes” even as we type … is somehow more embarrassing than sharing the fact that you have a small bustline for which you wear a miracle bra (most of the time … gotta keep ’em guessing) or even sharing your damned weight. ??? Geez. I think I just learned something new about myself. My weight is at the top of this screen and I couldn’t care less. But telling you I’m sad lately is KILLING me. (I’m shocked just typing that out.)

Anyway, here’s the deal. I’ve got all kinds of people reading this blog. I went very public from the start as I consider myself to be a pretty candid person. And I’m not worried about my friends. I’m not worried about my anonymous readers. But, admittedly, I am a little (that’s a lie, it’s not just a little) worried about everyone in between. It’s difficult being open about things without feeling stymied by fear of judgment at my own neighborhood playground, grocery store, basketball game or whatever. (Face reddening a little more, stomach tightening) So, I’m going to keep working on reinforcing the inner me so the outer me can do a better job of entertaining you and hopefully making you smile … or even laugh once in a while. I’ve always gotten great satisfaction from bringing someone to the point of laughter.

Oh, and in an attempt at a painfully transparent metaphor for change, Dave and I are putting a fresh coat of paint on things. We’re finally repainting our bedroom and ridding ourselves of its current hideously yellow color of ‘Golden Mushroom.’ We call it ‘The Color that Makes You Angry.’ It’s what white looks like after spending 50 years in direct sunlight. The new color is ‘Violet Shadow.’ It’s calming, cool and even a little beachy. See how pretty.