A few pounds and some new paint. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

Today’s Weight … 121.8

Okay. That’s nearly three pounds.  And I will so take it.

Don’t get it? Check this post.

My face is hot. Like I can literally feel it flushed from within. I think it’s the fact that I’ve been leaking little drips and drabs of how I’m feeling lately and am painfully aware, embarrassed and fearful of the repercussions of such honesty. But why am I freaking out about this now … after five months of boob talk, breast exams, bra size confessions, exposed inner fears about surgery, yada, yada, yada. … Why am I panicking now?

I guess sharing the fact that you grapple with depression … and that you’re in the throes of one of your “episodes” even as we type … is somehow more embarrassing than sharing the fact that you have a small bustline for which you wear a miracle bra (most of the time … gotta keep ’em guessing) or even sharing your damned weight. ??? Geez.  I think I just learned something new about myself. My weight is at the top of this screen and I couldn’t care less. But telling you I’m sad lately is KILLING me.  (I’m shocked just typing that out.)

Anyway, here’s the deal.  I’ve got all kinds of people reading this blog.  I went very public from the start as I consider myself to be a pretty candid person. And I’m not worried about my friends. I’m not worried about my anonymous readers. But, admittedly, I am a little (that’s a lie, it’s not just a little) worried about everyone in between. It’s difficult being open about things without feeling stymied by fear of judgment at my own neighborhood playground, grocery store, basketball game or whatever. (Face reddening a little more, stomach tightening) So, I’m going to keep working on reinforcing the inner me so the outer me can do a better job of entertaining you and hopefully making you smile … or even laugh once in a while. I’ve always gotten great satisfaction from bringing someone to the point of laughter.

Oh, and in an attempt at a painfully transparent metaphor for change, Dave and I are putting a fresh coat of paint on things. We’re finally repainting our bedroom and ridding ourselves of its current hideously yellow color of ‘Golden Mushroom.’ We call it ‘The Color that Makes You Angry.’ It’s what white looks like after spending 50 years in direct sunlight. The new color is ‘Violet Shadow.’ It’s calming, cool and even a little beachy. See how pretty.

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I can already feel my blood pressure dropping. And I’m just curious … as maybe you’ve thought of something that the rest of us haven’t …

What do you do to lift your spirits?

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8 responses to “A few pounds and some new paint. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

  1. I just breathe deeply, and tell myself it will pass. And I start thinking about my next adventure.
    Then I go through the list of hilarious twitter nicknames I’ve been given.
    No, no sarcasm. Why do you ask?

    Rock on, ODNT!

  2. Good job on the weight!

    For me? Sitting on the couch with my husband and a beer while watching mindless TV always lifts my spirits.

    Keep on plugging, ODNT. 😉

  3. You have had a lot of trama in a very short period of time and are entitled to “having the blues” when you need too. It’s how we work through the tough things that happen to us. A wise therapist told me you have to let yourself cry if you need to, so you can work through whatever trama you have suffered. Stuffing down the feelings will only make the process take longer. You faced a very stressful surgery and thanks heavens a benign lab report, to only lose someone very near and dear to your heart. It will take time for you to put it all into perspective and the “blue days” will become less and less. So if you want to lay in bed and have cookies for breakfast then do it, you deserve it.

  4. This is my first time here. Hi. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I feel for you. It can feel embarrassing, but it is real and a part of life. There is no easy answer as to what to do about such a massive issue, but beyond the doctors and meds and all that, I try to do something creative as a release, like photography. It just gives me something to focus on other than the pain and whatever else I am feeling, when I am able to get off the darn couch.
    Wishing you all the best. Will visit again. I’m sharing about a depression treatment I’m doing and my photography on my blog if you want another distraction.
    Good luck with everything.

  5. I drink……..LOL…..just kidding…..no……yeah…..I drink and eat……well……Im not a big drinker but will unwind with something after a long week…and I eat…too much…and I collect action figures like Crazy Cat Lady and Bag of Freaks…..and I display them where people normally display knick knacks or put them on the christmas tree…….

    ……..I gotta stop drinking…..

  6. Congrats on the weight! (I usually hold my breath when I get on the scale, filling up my lungs with air makes me lighter, right?) Anyway, when I’m down I do one of two things. 1. Veg out on my bed watching TV and surfing the web all day til my little munchkin gets home from school. or 2. Plug on like nothing is wrong,(fake it til you make it) then over compensate for the fact that I feel like I don’t want to do anything. Those are the days that I will be in the kitchen for hours on end letting the Italian mother in me shine. And I find myself flip flopping between both an awful lot lately.

    But I guess what really lifts me up is Sofia’s smile. No matter how down I am, I can look at her and just be so thankful. Every choice I’ve made in life, every up and down has led me to be where I am, and if I can remind myself of that, I am on the right track. I have had tons of shit on my plate for the past few years, and it’s been really hard to see the good in it. So some days I just don’t. Those are my veg out days. Other days I do, and those are my make all of Sofia’s favorite things days. I don’t know if this makes sense, but my point is, for me, just thinking about my little sidekick lifts me up most of the time…
    P.S. Purple is my most favorite color in the world!!

  7. Pam aka Mental Manic

    Yea!! Way to go you “Unsecret” self! Atta gurl!!!

    To cheer me up (not necessarily health ones): sometimes I drink wine but that is a big no-no for me, watch a good reality or cooking competition show, read, eat candy, stop isolating by leaving the house.

    We are having some rare winter sunshine days so I will make myself walk the dogs which I do not enjoy until, after, I am home.

    Again….Good job!

    • Pam aka Mental Manic

      P.S. Congrats on the loss poundage. Paint suggestion: can you paint a large sample spot on wall bdrm or better yet scrap drywall or poster board. Paint sample chips are notorious for looking like a totally different shade once dried on walls for many reasons. Check wall sample in different light conditions and even on different walls if portable.

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