Tag Archives: i hate line dancing

Random Fun Facts from My Wedding – TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY!


I drank NOTHING. From my rehearsal dinner to my wedding night, I literally had nothing to drink. I even faked my champagne toast picture. I was so afraid I was going to have to pee in that dress that I completely boycotted liquids for 24 hours.  (Good plan, Michele.)

It was drizzling on my wedding day. Drizzling! Isn’t the whole point of a December wedding cool, dry, humidity-free weather? (Stupid curly hair.)

My dress was new and modeled after a picture I saw in a magazine. My veil was my mother’s made by my grandmother. My garters were made by my aunt. And because it was Christmas, the one I threw was holiday-themed. And my shoes and purse were just some cheap, vintage-looking stuff I found on my own.

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I still have them. And I’d still wear them if I didn’t think they’d disintegrate into powder the first time I put them on.

The band played the wrong song for our first couples dance. It was supposed to be Harry Connick Jr.’s I Could Write a Book. (Ironic, right?) But instead they played Elvis Presley’s Can’t Help Falling in Love. And I was fit to be tied. (What an idiot.)

The band (AGAIN with the poor band) was instructed not to play any line dances. Dave and I don’t like line dancing. But they played Strokin’. My guests loved it. Dave and I did not. Nor did we dance. (Couple of jerks.)

The slice of cake I cut for the traditional photo was so ridiculously thin that we almost didn’t get the shot. (Seriously, was I dieting that day?)

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 I got better on the second one … also known as the one I never even tasted!

The photographer was determined to get the traditional handholding close-up shot with our new rings. Dave and I declined. More than once. The result was worse than any of us could ever have imagined. Between Dave’s nail-biting and my failure to get a wedding day manicure (or even paint my own stupid nails!), the picture was doomed before the button was ever clicked. (And I call myself a girl.)

As we ran out of the reception for our big exit, the last person I saw was my father. He had tears in his eyes. (I get it now, Dad.)

From the horse-drawn carriage ride we took after the reception in the French Quarter, Dave saw an old friend on the street. “Hey. Whatcha been up to, Dave?” called out the old friend. “Nothing really.” Then Dave stopped to think. “Well … except getting married!” he called back. (Nice save, Dave.)

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There we are, leaving the very same hotel we would be returning to later that night. Because you need to make a grand exit, right?

It seemed so uneventful to have everybody throw rice at us in the elevator. 

Of course, one of the coolest things about my wedding day was sitting around in the bar at the hotel in my wedding dress with my parents and other immediate family … after all the festivities were over at the end of the night … just having a drink. Finally!

I can’t believe it’s been TWENTY YEARS.

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Happy Anniversary, Dave.

(Photo #2 was a near casualty of Hurricane Katrina.)

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Here’s what 20 years looks like.

(What? Nobody ever said it would be pretty.)

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Ten Things I Don’t Know How To Do (and will never learn)


I just heard about a new link up at a blog called Mama Kat’s Losin’ It. Participants are offered a choice of five different writing prompts. I chose “Ten Things I Don’t Know How to Do.” Coming up with stuff I suck at?  Piece of cake. And, being the curious cat that I am, I decided to take a look at the non-accomplishments of some of the other writers for ideas. I expected to see a lot of stuff like Ride a Bike, Drive a Stick Shift and other fundamental life skills. Instead, I read that my fellow entrants couldn’t do things like Fly a Plane, Feed a Manatee or Conduct Analysis of Job Cost & Profitability. (sweating) What??? (more sweating) Holy crap. I don’t know how to do any of those things either.

Of course, since I’m telling time, remembering to feed myself and lacing my own shoes, I guess I’ll consider it a victory. Still, there’s a lot of basic stuff I never mastered. Here’s a sad but honest look at some of my (cough) personal deficiencies.

Ten Things I Don’t Know How To Do (and will never learn)

1. Dive. You will never teach me to leap toward anything leading with my skull. You people are insane.

2. French braid. Much to the chagrin of my young daughter, I can barely manage to give her a decent pony tail. At this point, she’s completely given up on me and branched out on her own. Braids, twists, buns … she’s perfected them all. “Poor mama,” she says, patting my head condescendingly.

3. Line dance. Not now, not ever. Not only do I not know the “moves” to these “dances,” I hate the very idea of them and was the bitchy bride who attempted to ban them from her wedding. Of course, my band and guests overruled me. And when Strokin‘ wafted across the ballroom, they thought they could peer pressureguilt … encourage me to join them on the dance floor. They did not.

4. Get the fitted sheet on my bed. I try. Lord, how I try. Corner by corner. The first one is simple. The second satisfying as it creates an edge. The third is a little harder but I can see the freshly laundered surface coming together. But the fourth? Not a chance. It’s just too tight for my weakling arms to get into position. And I’m left either (a) calling for reinforcements or (b) putting a pillow over it until someone else gets home.

5. Replace the bottle on a water cooler. Another shout out to my weak arms. But don’t make fun. Have you ever tried it? That sonovabitch is heavy. And I think my story can be best told by watching 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon in action. 

I wish I knew how to select only a portion of a YouTube video. Sadly, THAT IS YET ANOTHER THING I CAN’T DO.

So might I ask you to scroll to the 1:22 minute mark to see the clip?

6. Hit  a baseball. Same for tennis, softball, lacrosse. Nothing with hand-to-eye coordination, people. And I promise I’m not exaggerating. Remind me to tell you about the time my injury shut down the batting  cages someday.

7. Operate a DVR. I mean, I probably COULD if I actually OWNED one, said the proud owner of two VCRs.

8. Change the time on my bedside alarm clock. We have a total of eight clocks in the house and two in our vehicles that need to be adjusted whenever there is a power outage or time change. I’ve mastered all but one. And that one just happens to be the clock to which I spent the most time in close proximity. I just press a series of buttons in random but desperate succession until my mission is accomplished. The whole process usually takes about 5-7 minutes. And I always walk away from the job frustrated and stressed that  I might have accidentally set the alarm for some ungodly time in the middle of the night.

9. Cook rice. It seems easy enough. And I’ve driven friends crazy over the years with my questions. I follow the directions to the letter but, inevitably, I always wind up having either to add more water to the bottom-burning concoction or boil out the excessive liquid. Which then creates sticky rice. Perhaps I should seek work as a sushi chef.

10. Perform CPR/Heimlich maneuver. Sure, I attended parenting classes prior to giving birth to my first child. But that was more than a decade ago. And I was eight months pregnant. And the room was hot. And all I could think about was peanut butter. At this point, I think my best memory of the procedures is from a Jeffersons episode where George is forced to perform CPR on a clansman. It was a “very special” episode.

What about YOU?

Do you have any failures you want to share with the class?

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