I just heard about a new link up at a blog called Mama Kat’s Losin’ It. Participants are offered a choice of five different writing prompts. I chose “Ten Things I Don’t Know How to Do.” Coming up with stuff I suck at? Piece of cake. And, being the curious cat that I am, I decided to take a look at the non-accomplishments of some of the other writers for ideas. I expected to see a lot of stuff like Ride a Bike, Drive a Stick Shift and other fundamental life skills. Instead, I read that my fellow entrants couldn’t do things like Fly a Plane, Feed a Manatee or Conduct Analysis of Job Cost & Profitability. (sweating) What??? (more sweating) Holy crap. I don’t know how to do any of those things either.
Of course, since I’m telling time, remembering to feed myself and lacing my own shoes, I guess I’ll consider it a victory. Still, there’s a lot of basic stuff I never mastered. Here’s a sad but honest look at some of my (cough) personal deficiencies.
Ten Things I Don’t Know How To Do (and will never learn)
1. Dive. You will never teach me to leap toward anything leading with my skull. You people are insane.
2. French braid. Much to the chagrin of my young daughter, I can barely manage to give her a decent pony tail. At this point, she’s completely given up on me and branched out on her own. Braids, twists, buns … she’s perfected them all. “Poor mama,” she says, patting my head condescendingly.
3. Line dance. Not now, not ever. Not only do I not know the “moves” to these “dances,” I hate the very idea of them and was the bitchy bride who attempted to ban them from her wedding. Of course, my band and guests overruled me. And when Strokin‘ wafted across the ballroom, they thought they could peer pressure … guilt … encourage me to join them on the dance floor. They did not.
4. Get the fitted sheet on my bed. I try. Lord, how I try. Corner by corner. The first one is simple. The second satisfying as it creates an edge. The third is a little harder but I can see the freshly laundered surface coming together. But the fourth? Not a chance. It’s just too tight for my weakling arms to get into position. And I’m left either (a) calling for reinforcements or (b) putting a pillow over it until someone else gets home.
5. Replace the bottle on a water cooler. Another shout out to my weak arms. But don’t make fun. Have you ever tried it? That sonovabitch is heavy. And I think my story can be best told by watching 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon in action.
I wish I knew how to select only a portion of a YouTube video. Sadly, THAT IS YET ANOTHER THING I CAN’T DO.
So might I ask you to scroll to the 1:22 minute mark to see the clip?
6. Hit a baseball. Same for tennis, softball, lacrosse. Nothing with hand-to-eye coordination, people. And I promise I’m not exaggerating. Remind me to tell you about the time my injury shut down the batting cages someday.
7. Operate a DVR. I mean, I probably COULD if I actually OWNED one, said the proud owner of two VCRs.
8. Change the time on my bedside alarm clock. We have a total of eight clocks in the house and two in our vehicles that need to be adjusted whenever there is a power outage or time change. I’ve mastered all but one. And that one just happens to be the clock to which I spent the most time in close proximity. I just press a series of buttons in random but desperate succession until my mission is accomplished. The whole process usually takes about 5-7 minutes. And I always walk away from the job frustrated and stressed that I might have accidentally set the alarm for some ungodly time in the middle of the night.
9. Cook rice. It seems easy enough. And I’ve driven friends crazy over the years with my questions. I follow the directions to the letter but, inevitably, I always wind up having either to add more water to the bottom-burning concoction or boil out the excessive liquid. Which then creates sticky rice. Perhaps I should seek work as a sushi chef.
10. Perform CPR/Heimlich maneuver. Sure, I attended parenting classes prior to giving birth to my first child. But that was more than a decade ago. And I was eight months pregnant. And the room was hot. And all I could think about was peanut butter. At this point, I think my best memory of the procedures is from a Jeffersons episode where George is forced to perform CPR on a clansman. It was a “very special” episode.
What about YOU?
Do you have any failures you want to share with the class?
OldDogNewTits 
I couldn’t French braid someone’s hair if they offered me $1 million to do it! I have tried so many times but I finally had to give up.
LOVE THIS LIST!! I’m with you on the line dancing…I feel like I’m in a really bad musical. And I am with you on the rice….and I’m half Hispanic. I have had to resort to Minute Rice, thus sealing my fate of being written out of the clan. And French Braiding? I can do something that might pass, if I wet it down first, but trying to do anything with a squiggly child is next to impossible. And forget trying to brush it out later…it’s so knotted there have been times that I’ve been tempted to cut her hair. So no, FAIL on the French Braid too. Are you sure we’re not related?
Thanks. Glad to know I’m not the only spaz left in these areas. Did you link up here? It was a good one. 🙂
Link up…that is one of many things I can’t do. I could share many things I can’t do, but alas, I can’t link up. Love your list!
Great list. I can’t get a set of sheets to dry in the dryer the first time around. The fitted sheets cradle all the rest of the sheets (and anything else in the load) in its elastic, so it always takes me 2-3 times to get everything set and done. Could I do a smaller load? Of course, but that would just be too easy. 🙂
Ellen DeGeneres did a hilarious scene of putting a water bottle on the stand on her long-ago sit-com. It is certainly something best left to professionals. Or husbands.
Diving has always eluded me too… It’s sort of terrifying!
I have to admit the whole doing hair thing I am more than horrible at. I blame it on a 3 year old with a constant moving head (seriously I should put her head in a vice when attempting a simple ponytail), but if I want to be completely honest with myself (which I kinda don’t) I have a hard time even doing my own hair. Up in a ponytail or down are my go to options. If I try to manage any other creation it turn into an oragami project with hair. No good results.
Those are exactly my same two hairstyles. Every day. Today, afflicted with bedhead and in need of a shampoo, I am sporting a (hopefully symmetrical) ponytail. 🙂
Working from home today and rockin’ the ponytail as well. Pretty sure it’s not even close to being straight though.
As I see it, you’re setting a trend. Or bringing an old one back. 🙂
Finally an award for an awesome person. That’s why I nominated you….Awesome and Awe Inspiring…check out the link to collect your award….did I mention that I think you are awesome? http://sightsnbytes.wordpress.com/2013/03/25/the-epically-awesome-award-of-epic-awesomeness/
Aww. You are too sweet. Thanks so much. I’ll go take a look. 🙂
I like the water cooler bottles that actually have the handle on them, makes it slightly easier. Otherwise, I could hear my wrist crack a little every time I had to hug/flip it into the dispenser.
I can cook anything, except rice. I do it ‘pasta-style’ with extra water, which makes it sticky, but that is how I like it. This also explains why I like couscous and quinoa better.
I LOVE that we follow the same “recipe” for rice-making. Question. Do you cover your gooey concoction as it boils/cooks?
I leave the lid off a little bit, so I don’t get the boil-over, but that I also don’t have it evaporate. Serious bush-league cooking level on that.
Wow. We really do DO it the exact same way.
(Stop giggling, BT.)
Drive a car! I know, shocking but I just can’t and don’t even have a driving license!
Hi! Stopping by from Mom Bloggers Club. Great blog!
Have a nice day!
Well, you never have to give anyone a ride or drive carpool. #glassishalffull
I’m with you, fitted sheets are ridiculous. Even worse—fitted mattress covers. Found your blog on HonestMom’s linkup today. 🙂
I can definitely French Braid my own hair, and even in all different styles, but I used to feel HORRIBLE when four little girls I used to take care of would BEG me to do their hair. They had seen all the “cool” things I had done with mine and wanted theirs to look like that. You would think I would have been able to do it, especially since their hair was really long and straight, so easy to work with, but it was like doing it inside out and upside down or something. I just couldn’t get it – I was used to doing it behind me. As for the fitted sheet, I was wright there with you until I figured out if I stuck my foot between the mattress and box spring when I got to that last corner and pulled the mattress up to rest on my knee, that would leave the mattress bent just far enough that I could pull that sheet over it. 🙂 FOLDING the fitted sheets is a whole different story. I know HOW to fold them, I would swear that was exactly what I was doing, yet they NEVER turn out right LOL. [#TALU]
That video was hilarious and those people are so calmly recalling it. I’d be on stage snorting and laughing and looking like a fool. I think if our water thing was that tall I wouldn’t be able to do it either. Your list is hilarious. Stereotypically I should be able to braid but I can’t either. Thank goodness I have a little boy. ~TALU
What a great writing prompt! Don’t worry, despite not being proficient at the items on your list, I think you’re doing alright!
Thanks for linking this up with the TALU!
HA! I love this list! Can I give you a rice tip my mom gave me b/c I burn the beejesus out of rice? Boil it. Put the white rice in a pot of boiling water as if it’s pasta. Boil for 14 minutes. Drain. Voila – no burnt rice. And I just saw someone said this above. Drat, I’m not an original genius.
Oh, if you don’t want it sticky, coat a oven-safe bowl with Pam spray and put the rice in it. Put it in a oven set on “warm” for 14 minutes. It’ll dry out and be all fluffy and lovely.
Thanks for linking up with Honest Voices! xoxooxoxo
Were we separated at birth??? This list definitely hits my top 10 dead on! We won’t even begin to discuss my lack of line dancing abilities! I slink off in shame at all family functions when the music is turned off to conveniently clean, pick up or check on someone kid…LOL And I so feel for my daughter as she gets older – forget a french braid, parting in straight lines is foreign to me.
~TALU~
Michelle
Fun post to read, glad I’m not the only one that can’t french braid, somehow my girls learned to do it without my help. so glad you linked up to TALU!