Yes, that’s right. The annual Lay’s “Do Us A Flavor” potato chip tasting contest is in full swing again. (awkward pause) Wait, seriously? You guys didn’t know? Don’t you ~~watch the nightly news~~ … ~~check the AP wire~~ … follow your Twitter feed? It’s all anybody’s talking about.

Last year’s big winner was “Cheesy Garlic Bread,” a perfectly capable little potato chip. It beat out contenders “Chicken & Waffles” and “Sriracha” to become the newest permanent flavor added to the chip aisle in your local grocery store. And all three flavor creators received some pretty nice financial prizes, by the way.

Now, in 2014, we have not three but FOUR contestants. This is huge, my friends. Huge! And, never ones to be left out, my family has jumped right in to help pick a new winner.

Here is the new slate:

Here are your judges:

My son (Dean)
My daughter (Vivien)
My husband (Dave)
My mother (Phyllis)
My father (Bill)
Myself

And here are our immediate, uncut and completely honest reactions:

Dean: “Awful.”

Vivien: “Ewww.”

Dave: “Tastes like a chip that was left on a plate with some old tiramisu.”

Phyllis: “Yummy … I think.”

Bill: “Not for me. But I’m not a coffee person.”

Me: “Wow. They’re really not my cup of … coffee.” (canned laughter from studio audience that exists in my head)

*

Dean: “Too tangy.”

Vivien: “Tastes like an awkward smoothie.”

Dave: “Tastes like they’ve been sprayed with some kind of weird, fruity perfume.”

Phyllis: “Terrible.”

Bill: “They’re … okay.”

Me: “Umm …. they’re a little odd, but I don’t mind. They’re ‘eatable.’ You know what? Just pass me the bag.”

*

Dean: “Too strong.”

Vivien: “Hot.”

Dave: “Sushi chip.”

Phyllis: “Too salty.”

Bill: “Strange.”

Me: “Not as spicy as I expected. Still, I hate wasabi so this chip never really stood a chance. He’s the underdog.” (insert theme music to Rudy)

*

Dean: “Easily the best.”

Vivien: “Love it.”

Dave: “Really good. This is what a chip is supposed to taste like.”

Phyllis: “Great taste, but too salty.”

Bill: “Good.”

Me: “Typical flavor. It’s a very likable potato chip. But also very predictable. Because who doesn’t like bacon? Come on, Lay’s. Challenge me.”

* * * * * * * * * *

So … what happens next? Well, the world has until October 18, 2014 to vote for its FLAVORITE. … Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Feel free to use that new term liberally, Lay’s Corporation. And send me $10 via PayPal every time you do. Or at least a bag of chips. But none of your freaky flavors. I want the GOOD stuff.

After that date, a winner will emerge to join the ranks of the other time-tested Lay’s flavors on the shelves of destiny.

Because …

Oh, but I am SO submitting a flavor next year ….

My apologies to the competing flavor creators as well as to Lay’s for the negative commentary. Here at ODNT, we promise always to tell the truth. Even though sometimes the truth hurts.

And you want to punch it squarely in its stupid, smug face.