Dear September 30th Me,

The post you wrote yesterday was WAY too long. People don’t want to read a damned epistle filled with bullet points. I know you were going for the whole Spinal Tap “This One Goes to Eleven” thing but … oh, my God! Yesterday’s post was over one THOUSAND words. What are you trying to do, yesterday me? Bore us all to death? You had eleven unique and entertaining post ideas that you could have developed into amazing individual posts. You could’ve been fat and happy in ideas for weeks.  But NOOOO!  You just crammed them all into one … long ass … post. That’s just lazy. It’s stupid is what is. Just stupid. Next time, please consider your audience and try to cull it down a bit. You’re better than that.

My two cents,

The October 1st Me

P.S. You ate way too much at your mom’s birthday dinner last night and you know it. Why do you think you’re avoiding the scale today, dumb ass? Next time, instead of eating ALL of them, consider CHOOSING among the Truffle Fries, Lobster & Watermelon Salad and Cheese Plate. Dude, you were a PIG!