Remember the post I wrote last week about the surprise pair of size 9 strappy leather heels that showed up on my doorstep? I couldn’t figure out why (if he was ordering them for me) Dave had miscalculated my feet to be two sizes larger or why (if he was ordering them for himself) he’d miscalculated his feet to be three sizes smaller. Never mind the fact that they don’t match any of his suits at all.

But now it all makes sense. Because I got a call from Discover. It seems my credit card was stolen just before the holidays. Which prompts me to write ….

Dear Despicable, Lowlife, Smells-Like-Bad-Things Larcenist,

The jig is up!

I’m not sure who you are or how you managed to appropriate the numbers on my credit card … but you will get nothing from me and mine this year. The shoes you selected for yourself or some barefooted loved one are now safely in my possession. I have no idea what I’m doing with them yet. I could donate them to a number of friends who will gaudily bejewel and bedazzle them to create spectacular throws for the widely-popular Muses parade held in these parts a few days before Mardi Gras.

I’ve also considered using them as a hammer as the sturdy wooden heel would serve this purpose well. Or I could use one to level my old rickety washing machine. Oooh! Or the wood could help Herve keep his teeth filed down to an acceptable length for a hamster. There are so many possibilities that I just can’t decide. In any event, YOU will not be receiving them … as you were somehow wily enough to steal my credit card and yet too stupid to change the shipping address on your shoe order. Dumb … and might I add … ass.

And, while we’re on the subject of your stupidity …. my friends and I are curious why, if you had the ability to purchase a full spectrum of fashionable shoes across the globe and clearly no morals with which to accessorize them, you would elect to buy a cheap shit pair on clearance for $7.26.

You’re not very good at this life of crime business.

Which also reminds me … your repeated attempts to find an online friend at buddies4you.com as well as your clumsy efforts to purchase tickets via Delta Airlines have left a paper trail right to your front door (meaning your computer, jack ass) and thus your days of online shopping with (aka STEALING) my and the rest of the world’s money are coming to an end.

I hope you had a Merry Christmas as 2013 is likely to start getting a little suckier for you.

Sincerely,

The Rightful Owner of the Discover Card

* * * * * Free to Good Home!!! * * * * * 

If you wear a size 9 ladies shoe and are interested in taking these babies off my hands at no expense to me, please let me know by leaving a comment below. I will also be advertising their availability on both my ODNT and personal Facebook sites. Let me know why you want them and what you plan to do with them and I’ll pick a “winner” very soon.