Fun Facts about My Surgery Recuperation

If you lay around in bed and eat nothing but comfort food for weeks, you can in fact somehow lose weight.  Why have I been dieting and exercising all these years?

You shouldn’t address Christmas cards while on strong medication.  Or else some of your friends will get multiple holiday greetings and others will get none.

A Mylar balloon, if well cared for, can last well over two weeks in a good home.  I have received no compensation from balloonplanet.com, birthdayinabox.com or any other balloon purveyors for this endorsement.

Try as you might, even if you unsubscribe to every piece of electronic junk mail you receive, that crap will still follow you.  I guess there’s no escaping the Nigerian millionaire who needs my help in transferring his money or, you know, Lillian Vernon.

I’ve got at least twelve outfits that I can work without a bra.  True, some of them are pajamas, but still. Good to know.

When you haven’t worn make-up for weeks, any amount of it will make you feel like a drag queen.  Yes, I used that joke yesterday.  It’s funny ’cause it’s true.  So, I’m using it again, damn it!

I now have a bit of a phobia of high heels … for fear of a painful spill. It’s Mary Jane flats and (shudder) tennis shoes, all the time.  I must shed this fear before holiday parties.

I haven’t cooked a bite of food since November.  Seriously, there has been enough food delivered to my doorstep to feed an army.  Obviously, I have an amazing support system of friends. Oh, but my family is going to be SO disappointed when the dinner choice returns to El Paso taco kit or Hot Pockets.

The red, very alcohol-y body wash they give you as surgical prep also makes a great leg shaving lubricant.  Although its red pigmentation makes it hard to distinguish from blood and thus to determine if you’ve broken the skin with the razor. Which could be problematic, so it’s a good thing that the solution is “alcohol-y.”

The adhesive used on modern day surgical bandages should be used for brick-laying, dental repair or possibly even advanced rocket construction.  It’s been 14 days and I’m still sporting some of this gunk on my back.

That dry shampoo stuff our grandmothers talked about all this time really does work.  Alright, so I already knew that.  This stuff is great.  I’m gross and I’ve been using it for years!

When I first posted my good news (the benign verdict) on Twitter, I lost 6 followers within 60 seconds. I’m guessing the drama has gone out of my story???

The average rating for my post about my benign verdict was four out of five stars, meaning that some of you rated it three or less.  Okay, now you’re just being mean.

When you don’t do anything meaningful with your hands for two weeks, you realize that your nails have never looked more beautiful.  Of course, the second you’re upright again, they split, crack and fall off your fingertips in sad little shards of their former glory.  So, take pictures!

Sleeping begets more sleeping.  Honestly, if you don’t get your ass up eventually, you might as well commit yourself to a lifetime of taking all your meals and visitors in your bed.  Sure, that sounds good now, but I think most of you would eventually get bored. Most.

A purple pillow pet makes for an excellent coughing-and-protecting-your-gut apparatus.  They’re also excellent listeners and well-skilled in the ancient art of feng shui.  My remote control, Chapstick and Kleenex box have never been in greater harmony with the universe.  (Okay, NOW who’s being mean?)

When you’re confined to your bed, you don’t watch TV nearly as much as you’d think.  I would have expected that it’s all I would have done.  And yet, some days the set didn’t even go on. Pathetic. What was I thinking?!!?

Your cat doesn’t care that you’ve just had surgery and will treat you in the same crappy manner as always.  He thinks his ‘tough love’ method will work but I think it’s put a wall up between us that will be hard to break down.

Narcotic pain medication combined with surgery can wreak havoc on your digestive system, making for a very irregular lifestyle. Don’t you think that’s some information I would like to know???