Tag Archives: dry shampoo

Fun Facts about My Surgery Recuperation

If you lay around in bed and eat nothing but comfort food for weeks, you can in fact somehow lose weight.  Why have I been dieting and exercising all these years?

You shouldn’t address Christmas cards while on strong medication.  Or else some of your friends will get multiple holiday greetings and others will get none.

A Mylar balloon, if well cared for, can last well over two weeks in a good home.  I have received no compensation from balloonplanet.com, birthdayinabox.com or any other balloon purveyors for this endorsement.

Try as you might, even if you unsubscribe to every piece of electronic junk mail you receive, that crap will still follow you.  I guess there’s no escaping the Nigerian millionaire who needs my help in transferring his money or, you know, Lillian Vernon.

I’ve got at least twelve outfits that I can work without a bra.  True, some of them are pajamas, but still. Good to know.

When you haven’t worn make-up for weeks, any amount of it will make you feel like a drag queen.  Yes, I used that joke yesterday.  It’s funny ’cause it’s true.  So, I’m using it again, damn it!

I now have a bit of a phobia of high heels … for fear of a painful spill. It’s Mary Jane flats and (shudder) tennis shoes, all the time.  I must shed this fear before holiday parties.

I haven’t cooked a bite of food since November.  Seriously, there has been enough food delivered to my doorstep to feed an army.  Obviously, I have an amazing support system of friends. Oh, but my family is going to be SO disappointed when the dinner choice returns to El Paso taco kit or Hot Pockets.

The red, very alcohol-y body wash they give you as surgical prep also makes a great leg shaving lubricant.  Although its red pigmentation makes it hard to distinguish from blood and thus to determine if you’ve broken the skin with the razor. Which could be problematic, so it’s a good thing that the solution is “alcohol-y.”

The adhesive used on modern day surgical bandages should be used for brick-laying, dental repair or possibly even advanced rocket construction.  It’s been 14 days and I’m still sporting some of this gunk on my back.

That dry shampoo stuff our grandmothers talked about all this time really does work.  Alright, so I already knew that.  This stuff is great.  I’m gross and I’ve been using it for years!

When I first posted my good news (the benign verdict) on Twitter, I lost 6 followers within 60 seconds. I’m guessing the drama has gone out of my story???

The average rating for my post about my benign verdict was four out of five stars, meaning that some of you rated it three or less.  Okay, now you’re just being mean.

When you don’t do anything meaningful with your hands for two weeks, you realize that your nails have never looked more beautiful.  Of course, the second you’re upright again, they split, crack and fall off your fingertips in sad little shards of their former glory.  So, take pictures!

Sleeping begets more sleeping.  Honestly, if you don’t get your ass up eventually, you might as well commit yourself to a lifetime of taking all your meals and visitors in your bed.  Sure, that sounds good now, but I think most of you would eventually get bored. Most.

A purple pillow pet makes for an excellent coughing-and-protecting-your-gut apparatus.  They’re also excellent listeners and well-skilled in the ancient art of feng shui.  My remote control, Chapstick and Kleenex box have never been in greater harmony with the universe.  (Okay, NOW who’s being mean?)

When you’re confined to your bed, you don’t watch TV nearly as much as you’d think.  I would have expected that it’s all I would have done.  And yet, some days the set didn’t even go on. Pathetic. What was I thinking?!!?

Your cat doesn’t care that you’ve just had surgery and will treat you in the same crappy manner as always.  He thinks his ‘tough love’ method will work but I think it’s put a wall up between us that will be hard to break down.

Narcotic pain medication combined with surgery can wreak havoc on your digestive system, making for a very irregular lifestyle. Don’t you think that’s some information I would like to know???


From wearing a bra again to remembering to pay it forward, today was a long day

I left the house again today.  This time with a friend … to meet other friends … at a holiday lunch thing for moms who are fool enough to serve as president of their children’s school’s PTA.  If you’ve been paying attention, that fool was me last year, along with my friend, Ashley.  So, this year, we’re Past Presidents of the organization.  And, yes, it is just as glamorous as it sounds.  Sure, we don’t get to live in the palatial estate the school made available to us last year but we do have the protection of secret service agents for ourselves and our families for the rest of our lives.

I knew I needed to look decent today.  Like a girl anyway.  So, I took a shower and did a dry shampoo of my hair.  (Our grandmothers were right, by the way.  That stuff is awesome.  And another whole blog entry topic.) Then, I got dressed, careful to choose an outfit that wasn’t too uncomfortable … considering I’ve been in pajamas, sweats, yoga-wear or anything that could easily cross over to clothing suitable for a nap at a moment’s notice.  And I should point out that I wore not only a bra but also jewelry and even make-up. Truth be told, I’ve become so unaccustomed to dolling up that, when I was done, I felt a bit like a drag queen.

Ashley was gracious enough to do the driving today.  I don’t think she’s interested in serving as my crash test dummy in the early days of my operating heavy machinery again.  And one of the first things she did was to assure me that I didn’t look like a drag queen but rather just more of my old self again. Here’s hoping that’s a good thing.

It was nice catching up in the car.  Girl time. Something I haven’t had much of outside of my meaningful conversations with Lola, my purple pillow pet, the last few weeks.  The lunch was fine.  I even had a glass of wine. And Ashley and I cut out early as sitting in a chair eating lunch in a public place was starting to tire me out.  What a wuss.

And, as we were driving home, we encountered a homeless man (well, I’m assuming he was homeless) waiting at the bottom of an interstate ramp and holding a sign that said ‘Broke for my Birthday.’  I wondered out loud what he was going to do tomorrow when his sign was outdated.  Then I felt bad because, the way the traffic was routed, we weren’t able to help.  Although I don’t really endorse this kind of giving as I’ve had my hand grabbed when handing over money on one of these occasions.  Truly, it was only because the man was grabbing my hand to look deeply into my eyes and tell me ‘Jesus loves me.’ Still, when a man grabs your hanging-out-of-the-car hand at a red light, you take pause and wonder if rolling down your window was really the best idea.

Anyway, before I’ve completely lost your attention (Wake up, you three!), I just wanted to extend a gentle reminder to everyone to do something extraordinary for someone else this season.  By extraordinary, I don’t mean that it has to be overly magnanimous or anything like that.  I simply mean extra ordinary or out of the ordinary. Something you might not have otherwise done for someone this year.

Maybe it’s just letting someone whose needs are more urgent than yours get in front of you in line.  (Isn’t it amazing when someone recognizes that need for you?) Or maybe you could pay for the car behind you at the toll booth.  You’ll be surprised at the reactions.  Sure, sometimes they’ll speed up beside you and look at you like you’re nuts.  But it’s still a good idea.  Try to identify someone in your life that needs you, whether or not you know them personally, and see what you can do for them. It doesn’t actually have to cost a dime.

So, if you see me complaining about a line somewhere or cutting someone off in traffic, you can feel free to tap me on the shoulder.  I’m not perfect but I’m also making my effort to pay it forward this season. I’ve never felt more indebted to the world.  And I’m hoping to spread some of this good karma around.

“That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.”