Dear Cheese, I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s me …

When we hear phrases like ‘To tell the truth,” “If you want my honest opinion,” or “Frankly, I think,” they’re almost never followed by information we really want to hear, right?

To tell the truth … you really looked better as a brunette.

If you want my honest opinion … those pants make your ass look HUGE!

Frankly, I think … you should give up salsa dancing altogether and go back to being a toll booth collector.

(My apologies to any newly-blonded, large-assed toll booth collectors reading right now.)

And yet, there’s something about honest posts like Monday’s A Day Spent in Bed isn’t Always a Bad Thing that attract attention, like staring down a car accident.  I think it’s reassuring to read that we’re not the only ones eating boxes of cookies alone in the dark for breakfast, squabbling with our significant others and making big ass parenting mistakes every now and then.  It’s good to be reminded that we’re not the only ones screwing up out there. So, please allow me to help you feel good about yourself today by pointing out some of my own shortcomings.

(1) I yell at my kids … way too much.  (And I love those little rats so much.)

(2) I totally take my family and friends for granted. (Sorry, guys. I love you, too.)

(3) I have been known to curse like a sailor. (Surprising, considering how clean-ish I’ve managed to keep this mother bleep! bleep! bleeping! blog.)

(4) I never send thank you notes anymore.  (I know. Gasp!)

(5) I have no idea how to moderate my food intake … and therefore vacillate between eating like a bird or like a pig.

Alright, fine.  So, I’m not perfect.  The list could obviously go on and on.  I don’t use ribbons when I gift wrap. I am long-winded on other people’s voice mails. I eat way too much cheese for just one person. Blah, blah, blah …

But today, I’m just going to take on one tiny thing.  I started my morning with one small step – getting on the damned scale. Women only reveal their weight when it’s exactly where it’s supposed to be, which for me is right about 115. And I was there, even a little under, shortly after my surgery.  Then, the comfort foods started arriving (thanks to my truly wonderful friends), then Christmas, then New Year’s and, well, you get the picture.  So, back to the stupid scale. After I removed everything I could this morning, evacuated my bladder, clipped my nails and exhaled deeply, I stepped on.

123 and a son-of-a-mother-freaking-half.

Eight and half pounds? In a little over a month?? Which doesn’t even count regaining the ones I lost after the surgery??? No wonder my clothes are so pissed off at me. Fine, this will be my small step for now.  And you guys will be the watchdogs.  I will list my weight at the top of every post until I reach my goal.  Not to worry.  The posts won’t be about dieting (Borrrrr-ing!), but the weigh-in will be up there mocking me … and reminding me to PUT … DOWN  … THE CHEESE!

Are you with me?  I need the accountability. And now … I’m off to eat a crappy, healthy dinner.  Later …


9 responses to “Dear Cheese, I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s me …

  1. Oh, I love sharing shortcomings. Healthy competition is good. 😛 I was reminded of one tonight while on the mother bleeping treadmill. I turn up the headphones FULL BLAST when I am on the treadmill. The treadmill is in the playroom above the garage, so the kids are running around playing while I am “running”. Eventually after 2 minutes of play, they start to argue. I can see it. I watch it happening. So I press the volume button to crank up my headphones that are already on full blast. It’s like pressing the little button they give you attached to your epidural during labor. It’s fake. It just appeases you, but pressing it makes you feel better. 😛 I make sure they don’t start to drag each other around the floor by their hair or anything, but sometimes I need a break from hearing their constant chatter, tattling and questions. There, I feel better. Pass the cheese, please.

  2. Are you sure you and I are not the same person and we are involved in some sort of inter-dimensional cross over of reality or something? Kinda like a concurrent dejavu? Items 1-5…check, check, check, check annnnnd check….

    Actually….it’s bizarro world – thats it….

    But I think, from you’re previous posts, you are tiny (well, tiny compared to the 5’9″ishness of me)… ya….bizarro world….another relation from Seinfeld linking to reality…

    Anyway, you forgot another pre-scale related activity….I shave my legs and I swear it takes a pound off….I try to think that it is because the hot shower causes some weight loss (think steam room) and not that I have Wookiee legs….

    Plus I find that weighing myself with a backpack full of books is effective in making myself feel better when seeing that number….its OBVIOUS that these books are 30 pounds and boy, am I strong because I dont even realize how heavy they are!!! The same holds true when holding a small child….

    I’m really not helping with the accountability….I’ll stop now and pop back into Bizarro world…

    • Yes, I should probably have reiterated that I am a sawed-off 5’4″ at best … and I’m probably exaggerating by at least 1/4 of an inch there … so 8 1/2 extra pounds is like attaching a Thanksgiving turkey to my person. Mmmmmm, turkey ….

  3. Cheese: Hey, ODNT. Want to come out and play?
    ODNT: I’m sorry Cheese. Scale says I’m grounded.
    Cheese: What? You’d rather hang out with Scale than me?
    What happens next?
    Will Scale steal away ODNT from the loving caloric embrace of Cheese?
    Will ODNT stay faithful to her old mate Cheese?
    Will Cheese and Scale trot off together to start a Yin/Yang motivational speaker business?
    Will El Guapo ever recover form “Guap Tarts”?

    I’m guessing ODNT will just nick a piece from time to time and start exercising a bit more to justify it.
    And no, Guapo probably won’t…

  4. Um, hi, right with you on 4 out of 5 of those. I don’t swear like a sailor. Much.

    I didn’t send thank-you cards after my 3yo’s birthday and I felt guilty. But man, did it feel good, too…

    PS – my good weight is 111. Are you 5’1″ too???

  5. Oh yes….8 1/2 pounds for me is a common daily fluctuation…..and not to derail your commitment, but cheese (dairy) is actually good for us chicks….good protein and calcium – 3 servings a day! I LOVE those Cracker Barrel singles!

  6. Like the readers before me, I too can relate to all 5 points… Especially the swearing. And am so glad to hear that I am not alone. My weight has always been an issue too, and being the same height as you, I would rather not share that number at this moment. LOL But, reading your blog has given me some motivation, and I hope to actually start to put myself first and lose some weight. As much as it is my eating habits, it’s also the stress that I’ve been under lately. The kind that has me in perpetual “Mom” mode making sure that everyone else is ok, and neglecting me. I’ve said it before, and maybe I should take my own advice, but it’s like when you are on a plane. They tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first, then help others. It’s a metaphor for my life. Luckily for me, my situation is getting a bit better, and I think I may actually be able to put my oxygen mask on soon….

  7. Donna, If you figure out how to do that, please let us all know.

    ODNT-For pete’s sake- Will you please give yourself a break? Don’t you think it’s normal to be on the high side after the past couple months? I’m not saying, hey don’t eat healthy/don’t exercise. Just please don’t stress about the weight and start counting every frickin calorie, OK? You were too skinny IMO before surgery. Waif-like. Honestly. And you know you can count on me at least for that.

    Make the cheese portion a bit smaller. Get out and take a walk. Get some fresh air. Have lunch with me (we don’t have to eat cheese.) Enjoy your friends & family. I don’t give a $%@^ if you never write me another thank you note again, Sailor. (I do agree w/ those that say it’s a lost art btw. But, if I don’t have time to clean my own bathroom, how can I have time to write TYnotes??)

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