A Letter of Farewell to My Old Toilet

Dear Old Toilet,

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you what you’ve meant to our family. It’s true. We inherited you with this house but it seemed like, after no time, we accepted you as one of our own. And honestly, as with most things, isn’t it best really to forget that your toilet ever had a past?

You’ve been a significant part of our home, providing an excellent thinking spot for my husband and my two children. It was a great place for them to catch up on online news, emails, Facebook and reading or even to set a high score in the latest DS game or iPod app. And, while you and I never really shared the same bond as the ones you had with the remaining members of my family, we certainly had our moments, didn’t we? I’ll never forget the Great Stomach Bug of 2009. You were amazing. There for me through all of it, supporting me in a way that no one or thing should ever have to do for another. And don’t even get me started on clogging. You were the man. I think you only stopped up once shortly after we moved in. I still attribute that expensive but memorable incident to the previous owner. For my money, you are free of any responsibility or blame there.

Unfortunately, there comes a time in every toilet’s life when it’s forced to be removed from its owner’s home. It’s nothing personal. Really. I’m sure you’ve noticed all the changes taking place in the bathroom around you. It’s called remodeling. And it’s usually bad news for old toilets, tubs and sinks. In our case, all three of you had to go. You just didn’t fit the decor of the new bathroom. Plus, I’ve really been looking forward to installing a “high boy” for a while now. It’s not just you. The sinks are higher, too. I can’t explain why, but I just think it looks more formal, more regal if you will. As a short person myself, I understand how much this criticism must hurt. And, for that, I am truly sorry.

This past week hasn’t been easy. It has certainly served as a wake up call for all of us, reminding us again and again (sometimes quite urgently) how important a good toilet really is to a family of four. I’m ashamed to say that we all took you for granted. Existing with only one for the week has taught us all to appreciate the gift of a toilet … and we anxiously anticipate the day that we can once again call ourselves a two-toilet household.

As I watched you ride away on the back of the contractor’s truck, I couldn’t help but shed a tear for you, my old friend. You who were there for us through the highs and lows, the ups and down, in (disgusting) sickness and in health. It’s an unfair fact of life for a toilet and I hope with all my heart that you are delivered to a new family’s home where you can continue to provide comfort and relief to all those who are fortunate enough to sit upon your seat.

God speed, my friend, and may your pipes and bowl always remain clean and clear.



* My toilet only called me by my real name. I’m not sure the fact that I write this blog ever came up in conversation between us.


16 responses to “A Letter of Farewell to My Old Toilet

  1. Oh.

    I spit wine out of my nose. I honestly thought that I was the only one that felt a weird kinship to inanimate household items.

    I sure wish I could take you to a movie (your theater for grown folks, not mine…cuz you know…I don’t HAVE one, LOL…) This is great, and I KNOW that..uh…John(?) (*snicker*) understands how you feel. And I’m hoping that all will be well and harmonious with your new friend, uh…John Jr. (?).

  2. Bottoms up! (ba-dum-bum) 😛

  3. I can’t believe you’re just going to flush away a friendship like that. It took a lot of shit from you, and it’s like you are just wiping that away – brushing it off. I hope you’re happy taking the plunge with something new.

  4. Can’t wait to see your lament when you get a new fridge.

  5. You must be flushed with excitement.

  6. You know, I don’t think we appreciate all our toilet does for us. I’ll be sure to give it a wink before the stink next time.

  7. kirbycarespodi

    I know what the toilet is thinking (because I am totally psychic that way): Oh, $hit.

  8. The hygienist at my dentist’s office has a toilet in her hard that she fllls with plants for the summer. Then she takes pictures and puts them right in front of the chair and that’s all i have to look at while she cleans my teeth. In a way, I think it’s really creative. BUt then I think about what it looks like when winter comes. Just d-u-m-b.

  9. You are a nut! Love it! Pinning this right now. Thanks for linking up to #findingthefunny! (Anna – mylifeandkids.com)

  10. Pingback: At last, it’s here! My THIRD blog post about toilets! | OldDogNewTits

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s