My Two Newest Body Parts

When the name of your blog is Old Dog New Tits, you get a lot of crazy comments about your physique. But I guess I brought that on myself, didn’t I? Or Dave did. I can’t remember. We came up with the name more than a year ago over drinks. Many of you know why. If not, click here. But, despite my name, “those” aren’t the two new body parts to which I’m referring today.

The last 48 hours have been dedicated to getting things back to normal around here. With power finally restored, we just returned to our home after yet another hurricane evacuation. If you haven’t already read about it, my boy has been awesome. He and I have been working tirelessly to get everything physically back in place … hauling heavy items out of the shed, across the yard, out of my neighbor’s garage, to the curb, etc. (Thanks to my brother for helping with all of that.) We’ve cleaned everything up inside and out, reassembled and rehung heavy items, trimmed trees and bushes, re-installed hoses, righted basketball goals, sprayed down the siding, etc. etc. etc. When the house alarm battery malfunctioned and began beeping … incessantly, I called ADT to come repair it. The service date they gave me was September 19. So you know what? I did it myself. When the water heater pilot needed lighting … I … okay, well, I didn’t do it myself but I went into the attic with my friend to figure it out. (Thanks to Derek for turning it off and Ray for turning it on. Twice.)

I … was … filthy. I sweat my butt off. And, when we finally broke for lunch at nearly 3, I was starving. As in my stomach hurt and I felt weak. For the first time in ages, I wasn’t just eating because it was noon and there was cheese in the fridge. I actually achieved real hunger by working for it, like our forefathers. I mean the forefathers who had garden hoses, wrought iron patio furniture, fire pits and such.

So the first new body part that I grew in the last 48 hours? A Y chromosome. I think I earned it. (What? Did you think I was going to say penis? … Great. Now, penis is going to show up in the ODNT Google search.) It’s actually nice to know I can do a few things for myself if I have to. But, Dave, as soon as you get home, I’m putting my tiara back on and leaving the house for a pedicure. I am totally serious.

By the time night came, I could have passed out on the floor in the hallway. We were all pretty tired. It was our last night of staying up too late and watching TV (because cable was finally back!) when my son came running in my room with a bleeding hand. See if you can follow this weird story. And remember … there is no bad guy here.

My boy, Dean, just happened to be toting the family cat (Milo) out of his sister’s room. As he was closing the door, he caught Milo’s paw in the door frame. And Milo did what any self-respecting cat would do in this situation. He went nuts. In Dean’s arms. Resulting in a rather deep puncture wound in his right hand. Dean said it really hurt so I did what I always do. The old peroxide and band-aid treatment. Which, because his hand tripled in size overnight, I’m guessing was just not enough.

And, after playing around with the possibility of lancing it myself for about 30 seconds, I came to my senses and called the doctor and we went in. He had a staff infection and needed an immediate injectable antibiotic and some oral stuff for later. He wasn’t happy about the shot but I assured him that being able to make a fist without blinding pain was probably more important. Everything was going smoothly until we reached the pharmacy. I won’t bore you with the details but, suffice it to say, it took nearly two hours for me to convince the powers that be that I do have current insurance and that they would be giving my son his medicine … BEFORE HIS HAND EXPLODED.

So the second new body part that I grew in the last 48 hours? A second row of shark teeth. They are razor sharp and will tear you to ribbons if you try to deny my ailing child his medicine.

What a couple of days. I’m probably going to grow a damned beard with all the testosterone flying through my veins. Here’s looking ahead to a very boring week.


17 responses to “My Two Newest Body Parts

  1. What a week!! Poor kiddo. Hope his hand is back to normal quickly…And that you have that boring week that you so well deserve.

  2. Never doubted you could do it all.

    And if you had been forced to shred the pharmacist, there’s not a jury in the world that would convict.

  3. You’ve become a Honey Badger…congrats!

  4. Michele, I feel your pain. I know that I shouldn’t complain, but I was exhausted just pulling everything out of the garage. patio furniture…plants, hoses, umbrellas, tiki torches…I too, was dripping sweat. The back yard awaits being mowed. It’s about a foot long right now. I am dreading going out there. I hope that your boy is o.k. I need a vacation from my hurrication. Wish you would come to our BFHS dinner next Friday at Hard Rock! I added you to the list. I am certain that Isaac will be a hot topic and your stories sound AWESOME!

  5. I can verify that all of this is true — and then some!! Don’t mess with her today !!!

  6. I’m exhausted just reading this. That was impressive! You should get yourself a milkshake…or a Frosty….or a Slurpee…or an Icee…or some Peanut Butter M&M’s. You deserve it!

    P.S. Hauling heavy things out of the *toolshed*, are we? 🙂

  7. Holy smokes! You don’t just deserve a pedicure, you deserve a vacation with a man servant. Hope you get that boring week STAT!

  8. Oh my God. hope he’s ok. Make him rest it if you can. The post is wonderful. Be proud. I know you are.

  9. Thanks.Think I saw Marva Wright on a show recently called “Music Rising”. Great show about Katrina and trying to raise money to replace destroyed musical instruments.
    think you can buy the dvd there. It is great! U2, Arlo,lots of others. Gibson made guitars to sell to raise money.

  10. Nice! I earned the Y chromosome once when Lance was out of town and I fixed the washing machine. It feels great!

  11. So proud of you. Sounds like that’s not all you grew, although I’m pretty sure you had those big, brass ones already. You just got a chance to give them a good polishing.
    I hope Dean is okay. Give him loads of love from his Ragg family. Try to get him to take it easy, and you do the same. Wine and cheese for you. STAT!
    Buckets of only love- no more water!

  12. Oohh – wounds from cats can be nasty. Good thing you went all honey badger and got your son’s meds.

    How are things going down there? My wife and I booked a trip to NOLA for the first week of October (our third visit) and I’m curious how things are progressing after Isaac.

    • New Orleans didn’t take the beating this time. But our outlying suburbs did. So, now it’s OUR turn to help. Most of the city has regained power and is back home. Within a week, things should be pretty normal again. Cross your fingers for no more storms between now and your trip and you should be good to go. 🙂

      • Sounds great! We ALWAYS have our fingers crossed that you guys miss the brunt of the storms. The larger remnants of Isaac finally came through our area Tuesday. We got 2″ of rain in a couple of hours and it was done. Can NOT imagine 2 solid days of that! Much rather see 3 feet of snow!

  13. Nothing brings out the shark teeth like messing with a Mama’s kiddo. Nothing. Hope he’s back to rights soon!

  14. I enjoy your blog and tweeting so much, you make me laugh out loud all the time. I was honored with the Liebster Award today by Happy Little Feet, and so now I get to pass it on to the bloggers I most enjoy. You read my post and then post your own and link back to me. I hope you enjoy doing it as much as I did! Happy Blogging 🙂

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