Dear Lowlife-Sleaze-who-sent-me-a-picture-of-his-penis,
I want to thank you very much for interrupting my week with such an unexpected surprise. I get messages via blog comment, email, Twitter and Facebook every day but it’s rare that they’re accompanied with such graphic pornography. I guess it’s my fault for being foolish enough to have the word ‘tits’ in my blog title and fan pages. Ironically, my husband and I came up with the moniker together. It’s a joke, freak show. Don’t you get it? No, you don’t. Because you don’t think with your head, do you? And thus, sadly, dealing with creepy deviants like yourself has become an occupational hazard for me.
Still, I have to ask what exactly you expected to accomplish with this “correspondence.” There was no accompanying message. No solicitation of any kind. I’m guessing you just wanted to share it with me? Like it was a groundbreaking article or an inspirational quote or something. Your photograph could just as easily have been featured on Instagram through some grainy 1970s filter allowing you to blur all but one part of the appendage. For artistic purposes, of course.
Except that it’s porn.
And I should point out that I have no idea if the penis in question is actually yours or if it’s just a random body part belonging to someone somewhere that you wanted to show me. A random penis. A random, nameless, faceless, anonymous and (of course) huge penis.
Yawn.
The thing is … I am not about pornography. My blog name is simply a tongue-in-check reference to the old adage “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Because my website gets its roots in boob job research. Tastefully and (hopefully) humorously. Through it, I’ve made a lot of great business contacts, writer connections and friends. And I really can’t stand it when tools like you try to cheapen the whole experience for me.
So to you and everyone else like you, please keep your penises to yourselves. There’s nobody buying at ODNT. And know that I have already and will continue to report you each and every time I am forced to look at one of your extroverted little protuberances.
Let’s keep the sausage in its casing from now on, shall we?
Michele
Mamakat writing prompt for 2/5/15:
Question:
What were you blogging about in a previous year at this time? What has changed?
Answer:
Creepers sending me porn. And nothing has changed. NOTHING. I still don’t want fifth appendage pictures. But thanks.
OldDogNewTits 
Wow….perverts really have no boundaries!!
It’s probably his getting out so much that keeps him from getting out more.
Ah well
Hope FB takes your complaint seriously.
Oh crap. There goes my Wednesday night.
I’m kidding! Thursday! But… Facebook? So…. you could just fuzz it out and post it with his name on his wall?
Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I keep Mr. Hotspur on retainer around here.
Great idea, Mr. H!
He obviously wanted it to be seen. His name is on it. Actually, what you COULD do is use a much ‘smaller’ picture than the one he used. What’s he going to do, protest that he actually sent you a different one?
Wait, did you say ‘retainer’? I have yet to get paid….. so…. is that, like… on its way?
I love your expression. Not that you got a picture that caused the expression. Hey! Welcome to the Penis Post Club!! You can be Vice President. 🙂
I gladly surrender the gavel to you, Madame President. 🙂
The last sentence is the BEST SENTENCE EVER!!!!! Dirty boys.
Well, someone must have felt quite confident in their “manhood” to send such a photo. The problem is such behavior proves a lack of confidence as one is looking for some sort of reaction. Well, if you ignore it, status quo, but still he gets the excitement of living on the edge. If you take him up on his served up appendage and compliment him, he gets a quick quiver in the willy. If you eviscerate him in blog format, he is sure to be embarrassed but no one else knows who he is but the two of you. Either way, he got some sort of validation to his emotional needs. Good riddance, pervo. Now let us go back to Michele’s regularly scheduled programming.
Wow, that is pretty low and sad. Hope he loses is computer.
I never have and never will understand this male compulsion to photograph and send women photos of their penises. Why? What part of their brain says, “Oooh. I know. I’ll send this chick this pic. She’ll LOVE it!” Um. No. She won’t. We don’t. They’d do better sending us photos of chocolate. But, like the boys who insist on wearing their pants under their asses, we can’t get them to stop can we? Sigh.
Ick!!!!!! Maybe a six-pack but never a penis! 😉 He must be so enamored with his own junk that he thinks anyone would be so lucky to receive a photo. Hope FB bans his ass. I love Hotspur’s suggestion!
What a great response to an ugly experience. You definitely show what class is. Now burn this little wiener to the FB police!
Lol. Why don’t they just disappear or find something productive to do to improve their lives. Really annoying people.
Icky. People are just icky sometimes.
Seriously? I gag. Also, if it were that impressive, why would he not want to claim it with a little signature or something?
that’s just sick. kelley at the road goes ever ever on
EWW! Why any man would think you’d like an unsolicited penis picture is beyond me. WTH?
I wrote a post called ‘Is my son a dick?’ and it has caused me no end of trouble on the Internet. I think we should reclaim our rude words, it’s nice to be able to use them every now and again for a laugh without everyone immediately assuming you are some kind of deviant.
Seriously, some people sure have nerve thinking you want to see their penis just like that. Report, report, report and hopefully FB will actually do something!
Ewww, what is the point? Like you’re going to be all, “oh wow! CALL ME!!!!” lol
That reminds me of the time this man thought it was appropriate to pull out his penis and wave it at me in the car next to me during rush hour traffic. Of course, this was before the internet. Can you just imagine what he’s up to now? (pardon the pun) People are gross.
I guess I should be happy I am not getting pictures of poop then. People are weird – and gross.
Seriously I want to gag! People don’t have better time on their hands! Just gross!!!!!