Dear Lowlife-Sleaze-who-sent-me-a-picture-of-his-penis,
I want to thank you very much for interrupting my week with such an unexpected surprise. I get messages via blog comment, email, Twitter and Facebook every day but it’s rare that they’re accompanied with such graphic pornography. I guess it’s my fault for being foolish enough to have the word ‘tits’ in my blog title and fan pages. Ironically, my husband and I came up with the moniker together. It’s a joke, freak show. Don’t you get it? No, you don’t. Because you don’t think with your head, do you? And thus, sadly, dealing with creepy deviants like yourself has become an occupational hazard for me.
Still, I have to ask what exactly you expected to accomplish with this “correspondence.” There was no accompanying message. No solicitation of any kind. I’m guessing you just wanted to share it with me? Like it was a groundbreaking article or an inspirational quote or something. Your photograph could just as easily have been featured on Instagram through some grainy 1970s filter allowing you to blur all but one part of the appendage. For artistic purposes, of course.
Except that it’s porn.
And I should point out that I have no idea if the penis in question is actually yours or if it’s just a random body part belonging to someone somewhere that you wanted to show me. A random penis. A random, nameless, faceless, anonymous and (of course) huge penis.
Yawn.
The thing is … I am not about pornography. My blog name is simply a tongue-in-check reference to the old adage “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Because my website gets its roots in boob job research. Tastefully and (hopefully) humorously. Through it, I’ve made a lot of great business contacts, writer connections and friends. And I really can’t stand it when tools like you try to cheapen the whole experience for me.
So to you and everyone else like you, please keep your penises to yourselves. There’s nobody buying at ODNT. And know that I have already and will continue to report you each and every time I am forced to look at one of your extroverted little protuberances.
Let’s keep the sausage in its casing from now on, shall we?
Michele
Mamakat writing prompt for 2/5/15:
Question:
What were you blogging about in a previous year at this time? What has changed?
Answer:
Creepers sending me porn. And nothing has changed. NOTHING. I still don’t want fifth appendage pictures. But thanks.
OldDogNewTits 