Dear Hot Pocket Corporation,
ATTN: Chef Lucien Vendôme of the Nestlé Culinary Center
I’m writing you today to ask a question. As I was shopping in a local grocery store last week, I came across something concerning your products that prompted me to write this letter.
Despite the fact that I’m a big Jim Gaffigan fan (I know you know exactly who he is), my family is a frequent buyer of Hot Pockets. My hands-down favorite is the Four-Cheese Pizza Lean Pocket. Besides being delicious (have I mentioned my crippling obsession with cheese?), they are also extremely convenient for my 14-year-old son to prepare independently when our family schedule gets a little hairy. Basketball clinics, volleyball practice, dance lessons, parent/teacher conferences and preparing for an Honors Geometry test all in one night … well, it’s just crazy, am I right?
Anyway, back to my question. I was shopping the frozen section in the grocery store when I noticed something. As I mentioned above, I’m partial to the Lean Pocket Four-Cheese Pizza variety. Because I get to eat cheese … four kinds …. and still feel like I’m counting my calories and keeping a handle on things. Seriously, Parmesan, Fontina, Mozzarella and Provolone? They’ve always made me very happy. And they’ve always been more than enough.
Until today …
… when I realized that regular Hot Pockets offer FIVE-Cheese Pizza.
What? (sound of needle scratching across record) What the heck kind of cheese are you adding to this Hot Pocket that suddenly pushes it over the edge of dietary responsibility? And how can we tweak the Lean Pocket recipe to get ME that much-deserved fifth cheese?
In an effort to help you, the Hot Pocket Corporation, accommodate my request, I did a little research before writing this letter. Because I needed to identify this mysterious fifth cheese and determine how we could get it into my Lean Pocket without compromising its weight watching properties.
And, in my quest for this Hot Pocket Holy Grail (do you guys hear coconut shells, too?), I uncovered something rather fascinating. There is NOT actually a fifth cheese. Rather there is a fourth and fifth cheese. Because, for the Five-Cheese Pizza, you still have the Parmesan, Mozzarella and Provolone of the lesser Four-Cheese variety but you’ve removed the Fontina and replaced it with Romano and Cheddar.
Now you’re just messing with us.
So, you know what? Now that I know about the huge selection of fine cheeses available in your factories, I’m going to revise my original request. I am now asking … nay, challenging the Hot Pocket Corporation to create (wait for it) the world’s first SIX-Cheese Pizza Hot Pocket. Or … if you dare … Lean Pocket.
I know you can do it. Let me know what you think. And all I seek as payment for this groundbreaking idea is one free box. Wait, no! Two! TWO FREE BOXES. Yep. That’s my final offer.
Until I hear from you, I will be waiting on pins and needles. And relegated to eating dinner pastry with only four … sad … cheeses.
Michele Robert Poche
P.S. Please respond. I have readers. Never mind how many. And they want to hear from you, too.