Tag Archives: jim gaffigan

Dear Hot Pocket Corporation


Dear Hot Pocket Corporation,

ATTN: Chef Lucien Vendôme of the Nestlé Culinary Center

I’m writing you today to ask a question. As I was shopping in a local grocery store last week, I came across something concerning your products that prompted me to write this letter.

Despite the fact that I’m a big Jim Gaffigan fan (I know you know exactly who he is), my family is a frequent buyer of Hot Pockets. My hands-down favorite is the Four-Cheese Pizza Lean Pocket. Besides being delicious (have I mentioned my crippling obsession with cheese?), they are also extremely convenient for my 14-year-old son to prepare independently when our family schedule gets a little hairy. Basketball clinics, volleyball practice, dance lessons, parent/teacher conferences and preparing for an Honors Geometry test all in one night … well, it’s just crazy, am I right?

Anyway, back to my question. I was shopping the frozen section in the grocery store when I noticed something. As I mentioned above, I’m partial to the Lean Pocket Four-Cheese Pizza variety. Because I get to eat cheese … four kinds …. and still feel like I’m counting my calories and keeping a handle on things. Seriously, Parmesan, Fontina, Mozzarella and Provolone? They’ve always made me very happy. And they’ve always been more than enough.

Until today …

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… when I realized that regular Hot Pockets offer FIVE-Cheese Pizza.

What? (sound of needle scratching across record) What the heck kind of cheese are you adding to this Hot Pocket that suddenly pushes it over the edge of dietary responsibility? And how can we tweak the Lean Pocket recipe to get ME that much-deserved fifth cheese?

In an effort to help you, the Hot Pocket Corporation, accommodate my request, I did a little research before writing this letter. Because I needed to identify this mysterious fifth cheese and determine how we could get it into my Lean Pocket without compromising its weight watching properties.

And, in my quest for this Hot Pocket Holy Grail (do you guys hear coconut shells, too?), I uncovered something rather fascinating. There is NOT actually a fifth cheese. Rather there is a fourth and fifth cheese. Because, for the Five-Cheese Pizza, you still have the Parmesan, Mozzarella and Provolone of the lesser Four-Cheese variety but you’ve removed the Fontina and replaced it with Romano and Cheddar.

Now you’re just messing with us.

So, you know what? Now that I know about the huge selection of fine cheeses available in your factories, I’m going to revise my original request. I am now asking … nay, challenging the Hot Pocket Corporation to create (wait for it) the world’s first SIX-Cheese Pizza Hot Pocket. Or … if you dare … Lean Pocket.

I know you can do it. Let me know what you think. And all I seek as payment for this groundbreaking idea is one free box. Wait, no! Two! TWO FREE BOXES. Yep. That’s my final offer.

Until I hear from you, I will be waiting on pins and needles. And relegated to eating dinner pastry with only four … sad … cheeses.

Sincerely,

Michele Robert Poche

P.S. Please respond. I have readers. Never mind how many. And they want to hear from you, too.

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Jim Gaffigan brightened MY day. Now it’s HIS turn.


First of all, in the event that, for some crazy reason, you aren’t familiar with the fabulous Mr. Gaffigan and his work, please allow me to introduce you.

I’ll wait while you catch your breath before I move on.

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No. seriously. Could you get yourself together? I’ve got stuff to do.

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Fine. You know what? Just laugh quietly while I talk.

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Today was a pretty blah day around here. My daily agenda included laundry, loads of freelance work, extensive bill paying and a funeral. Oh, and did I mention that the weather was positively beastly? So much so that I kept getting these scary ass texts.

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Maybe the weather was summoned to coincide with the big movie premier for Noah.

Well played, Paramount Pictures.

And there I was, hunkering down in my house, trying to ignore the constant buzzing of my phone to tell me the end of the world was near when I saw an email from my friend, Jim Gaffigan. (He’s not really my friend. … I’m being sarcastic. … But I would be his friend if he asked. … Gosh, I hope I didn’t just hurt his feelings if he’s reading right now. I would totally be your friend, Jim.)

Anyway, the email explained that Jim was nominated for best Concert Comic by the American Comedy Awards. But he needs votes. And he emailed ME to ask for help, you guys!

I’m a hard person to make laugh. Because I’m jaded. And judgy. And could beat the pants off anyone in a game of “Make Me Laugh.” But this man slays me. So I immediately voted. Via Twitter. And I was tickled to see how quickly he acknowledged and even favorited my tweet.

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I’m so glad you appreciate my vote, Jim. And now I’m going to take it one step further. Because you liked my tweet. AND because you make me laugh. I’m going to try to get other people to vote for you, too. That’s pretty damned nice of me since we’re not actually friends, don’t you think? (Again, just say the word, Jim, and I’ll stop this whole were-not-really-friends malarkey.)


ATTENTION: EVERYONE READING THIS BLOG POST

A vote for Gaffigan is a vote to laugh again!!!

(Oh, my God. That was awful. Why did I think that would be funny? Poetry, Michele? Poetry is never funny. Well, crap. Now he’s never going to be my friend. … Maybe I should just get to the point.)

Vote for Jim Gaffigan!

Just write a tweet with the hashtag #AmericanComedyAwards and @JimGaffigan in your message by Tuesday, April 1 at 1PM PST.


Okay. I already showed everybody his bacon bit. OMG, BACON BIT! That’s hiLARious. Remember to send that joke to Jim. But wait! I should also remind everyone about one of his most popular and longest running jokes. Good thing we eat like shit around here.

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My daughter said the fact that I’m using TURKEY bacon is just lame.

“I don’t think that’s what he meant, Mom.”

“Whatever, Vivien. Just take the picture.”


Yeah, sure. It’s a weird blog post. I wasn’t paid to write any of it. I just think this dude’s funny and would love to see him win. So go vote.

Show Jim your tweets!

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Darling Dame