Tag Archives: Barbies

ODNT’s Answer to The 12 Days of Christmas


If this holiday-themed retrospective was on 1970s variety show television, it would have been done as a montage-style flashback. You would have been treated to lavish Bob Mackie-esque costuming, elaborate set changes and interstitial vocal performances by Country & Western guest stars like Dolly Parton and Glen Campbell. There would be Osmond-quality sketch comedy featuring such talents as Rich Little, Don Rickles and Ruth Buzzi. Plus, there would very likely be ice dancing. Unfortunately, you’ve only got me. And my trusty sidekick, the MacBook Pro. But we’ve worked hard for you tonight on this nostalgic walk down memory lane. Won’t you join us as we take a look at some of our many laughs together here at ODNT? (cue the cheesy music please) ….

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a website called ODNT.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four bitchy Barbies, three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me five boob doctors, four bitchy Barbies, three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me six doppelgängers, five boob doctors, four bitchy Barbies, three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven sets of man boobs, six doppelgängers, five boob doctors, four bitchy Barbies, three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eight Katy searches, seven sets of man boobs, six doppelgängers, five boob doctors, four bitchy Barbies, three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me nine boob occasions, eight Katy searches, seven sets of man boobs, six doppelgängers, five boob doctors, four bitchy Barbies, three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten funny trip quotes, nine boob occasions, eight Katy searches, seven sets of man boobs, six doppelgängers, five boob doctors, four bitchy Barbies, three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eleven tweets on mole rats, ten funny trip quotes, nine boob occasions, eight Katy searches, seven sets of man boobs, six doppelgängers, five boob doctors, four bitchy Barbies, three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me twelve* boob job experts, eleven tweets on mole rats, ten funny trip quotes, nine boob occasions, eight Katy searches, seven sets of man boobs, six doppelgängers, five boob doctors, four bitchy Barbies, three daughter posts, two guest writers and a website called ODNT.

* Because I now fancy myself a bit of an expert, too.

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Grown-ups can still totally play with Barbies, right?


Last weekend, I spent my days hanging with my girls at a beachfront property eating, drinking, talking and, of course, shopping. And I don’t even have the shopping gene. (Yes, I know. I’m a disgrace to my gender.) Still, I did pretty well in that I at least got ideas for everybody … especially my daughter, who is the easiest one to shop for in the family. She’s happy with anything we give her. Right now, I have her wanting a naked mole rat. (Yes. I am serious.)  We went in and out of dozens of stores at the nearby outlet mall. Among them was Toys ‘R’ Us which, like the majority of the retailers there, was holding all kinds of major sales. I was strolling through the aisles when I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks – Black Label Barbies. I was a big Barbie girl in my day and these dolls would have hooked me then just as they do now. They were spectacular and, in keeping with tradition, completely inappropriate as role models for young girls.  I think the Black Label Collection is huge but the store where I was shopping had only four models so they’re the ones I’ll be introducing here.
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From left to right: Pavlina, Stavros, Bianca & Tiffany. Following are their bios.


The Brunette (Pavlina)

Being one myself, I immediately identified with her and named her Pavlina. She’s actually from Eastern Europe but we totally conquered the language barrier and just clicked like schoolgirls. She loves American food (especially corn dogs) and eats like a pig, which you’d never guess from looking at her. She’s my most honest friend and would never let me buy a pair of jeans that make my butt look too big or too flat. We’re planning a trip to Atlanta together in the Spring to visit the Coke Museum and learn all about cokes from around the world.


 The Dude (Stavros)

I named him Stavros. He’s actually Pavlina’s BFF … aside from me, of course. He’s originally from Greece and came over to America with Pavlina as part of her foreign exchange program. He doesn’t really have any family so the two of them became very close when they first came to the country. They are not intimately involved and hate it when people ask them if they are. Stavros actually never seems to have any girlfriends around, which Pavlina can’t understand since he’s such a super awesome guy as well as an amazing dance partner.


The Redhead (Bianca)

I named her Bianca. Pavlina and I actually thought she had potential … until we realized what a condescending bitch she could be. She’s got, like, a 250 IQ and thinks she knows everything. She’s always talking down to us and trying to quote famous authors and important people from TV like Jimmy Fallon and Oprah. Once, for our Cinco de Mayo work party, she brought this disgusting dessert goo to share with everyone. She said it was like custard and called it “flan.” We said it should just be called “gross food that is nothing like custard.” And we thought it was very rude for her to bring something that nobody liked.


The Blonde (Tiffany)

I named her Tiffany. Pavlina and I can’t stand her. She’s always getting into everyone’s business and copying our style. If we have to hear her say ‘Been There, Done That’ one more time, I swear we’re just going to scream. She is a Lady Gaga freak (which probably explains her hair) and her Halloween costume was so completely inappropriate. Oh, my God and “No, Tiffany, for the tenth time today, we do not want to check out a Zumba class with you, watch Bridesmaids with you (again!) or go to Applebee’s with you. Not now. Not ever!”

* * * * * * * * * *

My husband laughed a lot but was also a little concerned when he finished reading this post tonight. Sure, my grown-up imagination can still totally hang with its childhood counterpart. Or maybe it’s the large Cajun Eggnog daiquiri talking. Either way, it was fun while it lasted. Oh, and if anyone asks … yes, I’d love one of these guys for Christmas.

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