Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? Get up to speed by first reading these posts:

Dear “Veronica,”

Thanks for writing me back to help resolve my family’s toaster issue. In light of the fact that I am without a receipt for the merchandise in question, I appreciate that you are still offering to help me obtain a new machine. I do, however, have mixed feelings about the request you made in your previous email.

“… please unplug your appliance and cut the electrical cord off where it comes out of the machine and send a picture of the disabled unit to photo@hamiltonbeach.com.”

Wait … seriously? You guys need to see my dead toaster as proof of my loyalty? That’s kind of Mafia-ish, don’t you think?

I tried. Lord, how I tried. BUT I CAN’T KILL A DEFENSELESS TOASTER, HAMILTON BEACH!!!

Perhaps you weren’t sent all of my previous emails where I made it clear that my machine was, indisputably, a very unpredictable fire hazard, but I never said it didn’t work. I just said that, when I use it, I have to hover over it like ~~a sleep-deprived new parent~~ … ~~an airborne traffic reporter~~ … a person who loves her kitchen. Unless I want to summon my local fire department.

That said, I am asking that you please reconsider your request that I euthanize the toaster to prove that I am not committing fraud and scamming you for a new appliance. Frankly, if that were my thing, I’d like to think I’d be smart enough to hunt much bigger game in your jungles. Perhaps a rotisserie oven … or a GrillStation 5 Burner Gas Grill.

The thing is … my family relies heavily on our toaster every day. Especially for breakfast. And 7 to 14 “business days” could easily become even longer. And that’s time that I’d rather have a toaster that I could use, hover over and unplug (I always do, by the way) than have nothing at all. This error is not mine. Why should my kids go without toastables for what we both know will probably be a whole month?

Right? Of course, right.

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So thanks in advance for understanding that, if it’s all the same, I’m not going to amputate my toaster’s cord and be without a toaster (albeit a needy, operationally unstable one) for weeks or even a month. There will be no pictures sent other than the ones in this email. I will, however, be more than happy to send you the troubled machine (at your expense) through the mail once my new one arrives so that you can perform an execution, autopsy or any other necessary forensics.

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Until then, I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing back from you soon.

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Michele Robert Poche

Consumer #1504480

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P.S. Because you are new to this claim, I want to inform you that all of our correspondence is being shared on my humor blog, olddognewtits.com. Even though, as everyone knows, burnt toast is no laughing matter.