So I’m in this “book group.” I use quotation marks because any book group that would allow me as a member probably deserves them. My friends are real readers. All of them. Looking down at me over their Kindles, Nooks and fancy, laminated library cards. The truth is … I struggle to make it through a People magazine. Which I realize is pretty pathetic. But I wasn’t always this way. I was a great reader as a kid. So, if your son or daughter is currently knocking it out of the park, bear in mind that he or she could still become a lazy sloth like me. Dare to dream, my friends.

Anyway … we haven’t actually read a book as a group in a while. I think I petered out somewhere around 50 Shades of Grey. Yes, I did read the first one in that trilogy. And only the first one. (Which should answer your next question.) Now, after a brief hiatus, my girls are back taking in literature again. And they want ME to do it, too. Sigh.

And so the texts began. The threatening, bullying, shaming texts. With scare tactics like “I’m telling your mom, the college English professor, that you won’t read.” Or comparing me to my brainy, English-majored brother. Uncool, guys. Un. Cool.

And then they really hit me below the belt.

So, what are we (ahem …. they) reading?

And it’s four-hundred-and-FIFTEEN pages! All of which I’m supposed to read by Wednesday. THIS Wednesday. And did I also mention that I’m currently reading A Separate Peace with my son for school? It’s a cool 204, by the way. Yep. I can already see it. I’m setting myself up for total disaster. Has anyone here read this book? Tell me why I need to devour it in a matter of days? Think I can do it?

Spoiler: I don’t.