First, there was my letter to the Bic Corporation.
Then, they replied.
Then, *I* replied to their reply.
Then, there was a little dull-but-necessary correspondence. (What? It can’t ALL be Shakespeare.)
YOU: “OMG! Stop teasing us! What happened next, Michele?!!?”
Ever the rule follower, I packaged up the evidence and hand delivered it to the nearest postal worker.
Me: (approaching a busy, distracted, painfully-bored-with-me postal employee) “Excuse me. Sir? Is it illegal to mail a razor blade?”
Postal Employee: (suddenly not so busy, eyeing me suspiciously over his poorly-tape-repaired reading glasses as he repeated my question back to me incredulously) “Is it illegal to mail a razor blade???”
Me: “Yes.” (not missing a beat and smiling like an idiot) “Is it?”
Postal Employee: “Well,” (he was clearly stalling for time and scanning the room for the nearest exit) “I guess that would depend on the situation.”
Me: “Oh. Well, it’s all wrapped up very securely. And I’m mailing it to the BIC Corporation. As part of a complaint file.”
Postal Employee: (loosening the grip on the matte knife he was holding) “Alright. Well, I guess that sounds okay.” (turning to resume his work)
Me: “Oh! Wait! Did I mention that the blade I’m sending recently exploded into five sharp fragments? I’ll be sending ALL of them.”
Postal Employee: (turning abruptly to face me and backing out of the room with a nervous smile) “Um, you know what? I think we’re going to have to call my manager.”
I guess it’s not every day some jackass wants to mail an exploded razor blade. But hey, at least I was honest about it, right?
Just in case you can’t read my handwriting:
June 15, 2015
ATTN: Daniel (I am still withholding Dan’s last name to protect his privacy. You’re welcome, Dan.), Claim Manager
Enclosed you will find the defective BIC Soleil razor mentioned in my earlier correspondence. Please be aware (and warned!) that the razor blade itself broke apart into 5 individual pieces. (That’s 5 opportunities to cut yourself. Careful, Daniel!) And I’ve also included the plastic handle. So you’ve got 6 parts total – each individually wrapped. Safety first!
Thanks in advance for your help with this matter. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Michele R. Poche