While straightening up a bit around here at ODNT, I came across an old draft of a post I abandoned last July. I neither have any idea why I started writing it nor, for that matter, why I stopped. But when I read it tonight, it made me laugh. Maybe because I’m just as dumb as I was last summer. Or maybe just ’cause it was a shitty day. Either way, please enjoy my late night ramblings. I assure you that, once you’re done, you’ll be no smarter for having read it.
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1. I shaved my underarm hair into a mohawk. On the right side only. I’m not very hairy so it didn’t even show. But it was itchy.
2. I had double pierced ears and decided that one of my ears needed a third hole. So I did it myself. With a needle and a cube of ice. On a ferry boat.
3. A friend and I wanted to embarrass a boy we knew so we sent in a request to Casey Kasem for Air Supply’s Every Woman in the World to Me. We sent it from him to us. And it was played. Man, were we cool.
4. I tried to sneak into Officer and a Gentleman but accidentally bolted into the wrong R-rated movie and got stuck seeing Scott Baio in Zapped instead. (Fun fact: Also in Zapped? Willie Aames.)
5. I impersonated Shirley Feenie with a friend dressed as Laverne and together we performed their theme song … moves and all … in front of my whole grade school.
6. My campaign slogan for 7th grade Vice President was a bastardization of a Rick Springfield song: “I’ll do everything for you … if you vote for me.” I lost.
7. I got a concussion in high school because I hit my head on the tampon machine in the girl’s bathroom. I am not in my yearbook that year because of this injury.
8. A friend and I heard Lee press-on nails couldn’t catch on fire so we put that theory to the test. While wearing them.
9. I made a sculpture out of meat with a friend and left it anonymously on a teacher’s portable classroom stairs.
10. I impersonated Mick Jagger and lipsynched to Satisfaction with an American flag tied around my neck for roughly three thousand people.
11. The first time I tried shaving, I dried shaved the entirety of my arms and legs with a disposable razor.
12. I once painted all of my fingernails and lips with Liquid Paper.
13. I attempted to convince my mom that I didn’t cheat on my Science test even though she was holding my cheat sheet in her hand. Then I fainted during my closing argument.
14. I saw a scene in Gone with the Wind where Scarlett gargled with perfume so I tried it. Don’t ever try it.
15. I had a shiny pink satin jacket with purple trim that said Roller Disco in raised rock glitter across the back.
16. I had semi-professional recordings made of myself singing Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll, You Needed Me and Sister Golden Hair as a kid.
17. I attended speech therapy for my Cindy Brady lisp.
18. Because of #17, I had something called a “tongue cage” affixed on the inside of my bottom teeth that required neck-gear when I slept.
19. I snuck and slept on the floor of my parents’ room every time I saw a horror movie through the end of high school.
20. I attended sleep-away guitar camp. Two years in a row. And, yes, I have seen American Pie.